


Awake My Soul - Under Construction!

by NattieFOURLarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Bottom Harry, Bottom Louis, Doctor Harry, Drug Use, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Ghost Louis, Insecurity, Kinky Harry, M/M, Personal Growth, Rape, Romantic Fluff, Secretly a Virgin, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Top Harry, True Love, Virgin Louis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-09 22:00:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 67,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11677926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NattieFOURLarry/pseuds/NattieFOURLarry
Summary: “Louis, Louis please.Feel me touching you, hear my voice, listen to my heart. I found the person who makes me content, brings me peace…makes me truly happy.You. It’s you, Louis. You make me whole, completely fill me with light and such warmth. You showed me what life is and what it has to offer. I no longer want to live through it alone. I want you…by my side, always.L-Louis, I love you.”





	1. Prologue: Cold

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!
> 
> So not sure why my previous note said this was... fluffy because it's actually really not. Well, the relationship between Lou and H is (and only due to the circumstances they've found themselves in) however this story touches on challenges most people face. It's not just about emotional instability but addictions and we know addictions can alter relationships, destroy families, and make life as a whole seem impossible.  
> But that's why I wrote it. There are ways to overcome it, to work with it, to actually accept there is an addiction and to rely on others for help. You are never alone. There are people who listen, who care, who want to see you thrive. And that is the driving force.  
> Remember your strength.  
> You can do it.  
> ****************
> 
> Before you read, I advise you read the tags THOROUGHLY. There are triggering scenes and I DO NOT want you to feel uncomfortable in any way. I will add a note before the chapter and give fair warning.  
> Thank you and enjoy.

There is a chill in the air that is difficult to ignore.

The doctor and team of nurses cannot seem to look away from the lifeless form lying on the gurney or fathom how they survived the accident. They were certain the boy would succumb to the head trauma and the collapsed lung, or possibly from the brunt force in general. But something happened, a miracle perhaps, or quite possibly an act of an otherworldly being because life was brought back to this boy. And even with their combined efforts, they personally did not save them. It's a mystery to them all. It's baffling. It was-

“Impossible.” The attending murmurs as he scribbles his notes down. “What’s his blood pressure?”

“One-forty over ninety.” The nurse says.

“Okay.” He looks down at the boy. “What was it again?”

“Tractor trailer lost control…crushed the SUV. The driver was killed instantly.”

“I should change this.” A second nurse approaches and begins to unravel the bloodied guaze.

“Okay. What about his family?” The doctor asks.

“We found one sibling. He has an eighteen year old sister who attends a local college. She will be coming as soon as possible.” The first nurse says.

“That’s all?” The attending is writing fervently on his chart. “Any adult?”

“Yes, a very uninterested mother and his manager who wants to keep this kids presence here sort of a secret.”

“Wonderful. He's probably a celebrity of some sort. He'll be gone in the morning I'm sure.” The doctor hands the chart over, refrains from rolling his eyes. “Take him to ICU. They'll monitor him there at least until they're moved.”

“Yes, doctor.” The nurse watches the brown haired man leave. “Is he still unresponsive?”

“Y-yes.” The nurse is wrapping the fresh gauze around the boy's head.

“We have to take him upstairs.”

“I know.”

“The next patient could arrive any minute.”

“Give me a second. I have to secure this.” She tucks the end of the gauze, touches the boy's shoulder. “Okay son. Let's get you moved upstairs. They will take care of you.” 

Upon arrival to the ICU, a team of nurses approach.

“Did you call this in?” A third nurse asks as he's moved to the corner.

“Yes, Dr. Payne did. He is the miracle head trauma patient.”

“Oh that's right. We heard about him. Where is the family?” Another physician approaches and skims the chart. “Liam seriously needs to write clearer…”

“His sister should be coming. Last I heard-”

“Where is he?!” The cry is heard from across the unit. “Where is my brother?!” There is a girl with long blonde hair hurdling towards them flailing her arms about.

“Miss, you must calm yourself!” The doctor instructs. “I understand you’re upset but you need-”

“I can’t! I got a call that my brother was in an accident and they told me he is here now because he’s in a coma…where is he?!” Her face is tear stained and red, her emotion blatant and expected under the circumstances.

“What’s his name, honey?” The nurse is cut off once more.

“Louis. Now where is he?!” The girl looks past the doctor and her mouth drops open, her face blanches, her entire disposition changes into that of utter disbelief. “W-who…Oh my god! That’s…” She nearly faints. “That's not...no! H-him…that's not...nope...no!”

“Oh no! It’s okay!” The doctor rushes to the girl’s side, takes her hand, rubs circles on her back. She reviews the chart once more for verification. “Yes, this is him.” She whispers.

“What happened?! We were just t-talking!” She cries. “We were supposed to go to Napa Valley this weekend!”

“Here... come with me.” The physician attempts to lead the girl away from her brother. “Let’s go for a walk.”

“No! I need to be by his side when he wakes up! He may...he might...he has to see my face.” She rubs at her cheeks. “P-please.”

“He is in a coma sweetie. It can be a long time…” The doctor states solemnly. “I’ll explain more once your other relatives arrive.”

“Our mother won’t come…she’s too busy screwing the pool boy at her mansion in the Maldives!! And his stupid Manager will make sure no one is allowed to visit either.” She sobs. “No one will come.”

“Oh…um…well-”

“Is he dying?” The girl chokes out. 

“No! He is…he can’t breathe on his own right now...but we are almost certain he’ll improve over time. Here come sit next to him.”

“B-but…he looks…” She gulps. “So pale.” 

“He is sleeping.” The doctor takes the girl’s hand. “Come and sit down.”

“I’m scared.” 

“I don’t blame you. This situation was unexpected but he is in great hands. I can assure you.”

“Okay.” She sits next to the bed and takes her brother's limp hand. “Oh my God.” She sobs out.

“You're so cold.”

“Do you want a tissue?”

“NO!! I want my brother back!” The girl yells. She grips his hand harder and cries into the sheets. “He doesn’t deserve this!! Please wake him up!”

“I c-can’t. He fell unconscious on his own.”

“Why!! What happened?!”

“He hit his head when the truck struck his vehicle.”

“T-truck?”

“Yes…a truck lost control and skidded into him. We thought he wasn’t going to make it…”

“Not my Louis. No! That’s not possible!” The girl continues to sob hysterically. “He will be fine!”

“We will do what we can to ensure that, yes.” The physician sounds cold but this is standard verbiage.

“All of you doctors are the same. Feeding us with nonsense to make us feel better when in reality we are suffering…grieving! Please just leave me alone.” The girl pushes the doctor away, turns her attention towards her brother. “It’s okay, Lou. I’m staying right here-” The heart monitor begins to beep erratically. “What’s that?!” A team of nurses rush over and push the girl aside.

“His blood pressure is plummeting!” One yells.

“We’re losing him!”

“No! No! No!” The girl is clutching onto her hair and pulling at the strands to take the pain away.

“He’s not breathing!”

“His heart stopped!”

“Get the paddles!”

The girl is seeing triple. The very life is being sucked away from her brother’s frail body, the once obnoxious, cheeky, boisterous boy is now lifeless, small, pathetic, and nothing like the person she grew up with. The kid who has since become a household name, a fixation to nearly everteenager is...dying?

“SAVE HIM!!” She screams. “Please!!” All goes eerily silent.


	2. Do not ask about the owner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I divert my attention to my naked toes, wiggle them against the carpeting I know I should feel but I don't...I don't!!! I don't feel anything!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey
> 
> ***Warning***  
> This chapter contains a "self-harm" scene. Please proceed with caution.
> 
> Thank you

  
He’s standing outside the ten story complex with his leasing agent after finding the _for rent_ listing on the internet. According to the ad it’s the perfect place, has views of the Golden Gate Bridge, a large kitchen, private terrace, and a price tag that nearly made him choke on the gum he is chewing. This was the first (and only) unit he found that met his rather short list of must haves, two very important items he refuses to compromise with: he must be no more than twenty minutes from work and just far enough from his mother so it's an inconvenience for her to drop in _inconveniently_ .

It's not even a want.

It's a need.

Especially the ladder. _.._

_Especially ._

He gives the building a once over, nods in satisfaction and turns his attention towards the agent who has been rambling about the amenities since they arrived. It’s irritating, it's useless, it's an absolute waste of time because he does not intend on utilizing any of it or spending much time outside of the condo unless he's going to work. So really...it's unnecessary.

_Dude, did you come up for air!?_

“...there is a twenty four hour concierge service, a lounge area, indoor and outdoor pool, garage, a gym-”

“Wonderful.” He interjects. “Can we see it now?” He crosses his arms over his chest, chews harshly at the gum. “I have work in a few hours and time is of the essence.” He looks at his watch indicating as such.

“Uh…sure.” The agent looks deflated. Truthfully, if he had a heart, he’d feel bad for the guy but he lacks any sort of empathy so... _not today, asshole_. “Let’s go.”

They head inside and it is quite lovely.

Every inch of wall is white marble, flawless, and impeccably clean, its modern edges and muted colors making for a great first impression. _Perfect for a one nighter_. Even the concierge is dressed to the nines and smiling a well-practiced grin the owner no doubt forced upon him. It’s almost…too fake, rehearsed, convincing. _Must be some clientele they house here._

“So as I was saying, you have a concierge and guard all day every day. If you need anything, call down to the front desk and they can assist you. Also if you bring a guest, they must sign in.”

“Wait, why?” He questions. Now let’s be real here…he’s twenty seven, newly graduated from medical school, handsome (if he’s being honest), looking to fuck around (literally), and that log will make him look like some male hooker. _Or easy…very easy…too easy…or whatever_. What if someone takes the time to notice how many different men come in and out?! He isn’t running a whore house out of the place, but he isn’t exactly looking for a steady relationship at the moment either. _Lovely_.

“Security purposes. It’s not my rules.” The agent presses the call button when they reach the elevator. “If you ask me, it’s a little extreme, but that’s per the landlord’s instructions…SO! Back to those amenities!” He rolls his eyes and tunes out the maddening blonde with the cute ass.

They reach the floor and head down the hallway that is just as elegant as the entrance. He is starting to think this building is a little too upscale for him and his particular tastes. _Will I fit in? What if the neighbor overhears? I can be a little loud...sort of loose. Slightly licentious at times._

“Here we go!” The agent turns the key and _Woah_ . All the modern touches he adores are laid out before him and accompanied with the windows and the view of the bridge? This exceeds his expectations and then some. “Nice, isn’t it?” The man waggles his eyebrows. “Told you there was a view of the bridge!”

“Yuh…I’m actually surprised.” He takes in the space before him.

“Come on let’s look around.” They walk down the corridor into an open concept living space. “Kitchen has quartz countertops, shaker style cabinets, slate grey appliances, custom backsplash. Can’t really go wrong here.”

“Holy shit.” He walks into the living room, admires the furniture and too large a television mounted on the wall. “Who the hell owns this place?”

“I am not at liberty to say who actually.”

“Whatever. What else is there to see?”

“Ah, yes! Follow me.” They continue through the condo down a small hallway leading them past a half bath. “Perfect for when you have guests.”

“Sure.” If you care for that sort of thing. They proceed to the last door. “Alright…?”

“And now...the pièce de résistance!” The agent swings it open and reveals the master bedroom and another gorgeous view of the city and bridge. _Okay, fine. I totally want to bring someone here…like tonight._ “So lovely!” The blonde croons.

“Is this a king sized matress?” He notes the vertical rungs on the headboard. _Mmmm…._

“Oh yes! King-sized and brand new!” _Good_ . “There is a walk-in closet and en-suite just through that door. Again, the quartz is continued into the bathroom. The tile is-” The agent is doing it again…and quite frankly, he wants to sign the damn paper and get someone in here stat. _I'm sporting a semi. Let's get this over with._

“Great. Where do I sign?” He shoves his hands into his pockets.

“Uh…what?”

“Do you want the commission or not? Where do I sign? I want it.”

“I see. Okay well, I need to go through a list of rules since you’re subleasing.”

“Whatever I need to do.” He says, glances at the agent. _Maybe he wants to get naked?_ He inspects the guy's rear, admires their assets and firm thighs. _Mmm... he'd top I'm sure. Or maybe he likes to ride long and hard._

“Follow me. The paperwork is in the kitchen.” He's roused from his daydream.

“Oh. Sure.” They walk back into the living room.

“Let me get those forms…” The agent digs through a drawer and procures a stack of documents. “I know it’s a lot, but…considering the circumstances, we need this all filled out and completed.”

“What if I pay you to do it for me?” He asks with a little too much sass, runs his tongue along his bottom lip in an enticing manner. _I’m flirting with you, you shit, now follow my lead. Let me test that strength of yours._

“Uhm…well see…I cannot do that.” The agent’s cheeks flush.

“Why not?” He approaches the man like he’s some helpless animal being preyed upon, his target easily attainable. _It’s exhilarating to watch him squirm_ .

“These are legal binding contracts. It must be filled out and signed by you.” The agent slaps the paperwork down on the counter and puts his hands on his hips. “That is also per the landlord’s instructions.”

“What if I said, I couldn’t give two fucks about the landlord?” They’re practically nose to nose, crotch to crotch. _Come here. Let me touch those thighs._

"Then you can't sublease the condo.” The agent is literally shaking in his boots. “Sir, you’re quite close to me.”

“Sir?” He reaches a hand out and grazes the other man’s jawline. “Do you like calling me Sir?” His voice is like silk, sensual, sultry.

“Uhm…I am trying to be formal.”

“Fuck formality. Loosen up.” Both hands have since made their way to the agent’s firm waist. He has pretty blue eyes but the hair is dyed. _I wonder what his natural shade is_ .

“Now, as I was saying…” He is blatantly staring at the man’s mouth and suddenly has an urge to kiss him, swipe his mouth clean with his tongue, bite his neck. _I want to mark that skin of yours._ He starts to lean forward ready to strike. Go for it.

“Mmm…” He inches further-

“I...I have a fiancée!” The man blurts and he releases the agent instantly. He backs away slowly, grabs the stack of documents, and discreetly adjusts himself as he takes a seat at the counter.

_Ouch._

“Do you have a pen?” He chokes out.

Within the hour the condo is his. Well, sort of his. The terms of the contract are clear:  
1) Do not move anything.  
2) Do not remodel in any way.  
3) Pay rent on time.  
4) Do not ask about the owner.

“Easy enough.” He finally puts the pen down and wrings his stiff fingers.

“Okay, Mr. Styles. Here is the key.” The agent drops it into his palm.

“It’s Doctor Styles. Thank you.” He quickly stands up and heads to the door with the blonde in toe.

“Of course! My apologies, Doctor. I hope you enjoy your stay!”

“Oh how long is the lease?”

“It all depends on when he…” The agent looks away. “We’ll give you notice when that time comes.”

“That’s a little vague, don’t you think?”

“There are extenuating circumstances with this contract…that’s why it’s cheaper.”

“ _Cheaper_ ? You call five thousand a month cheap? Jesus who am I doing business with exactly?”

“As I’ve stated earlier, sir, I am not at the liberty to say who you’re renting from. That is something you must learn to deal with.”

“You’re infuriating.” He sort of pushes the agent out into the hallway and watches the door slam in his face. “Prick.” He walks back into the condo feeling relief, a little horny, and a whole lot of shame from the dejection. “Fuck.” He grips his curls. “Fuck I need to take care of this.” And he heads to the bathroom for a good rub down.

.

.

.

.  
  
He’s in the locker room changing into scrubs when his coworker, well fine his supervisor, walks in. Dr. Payne isn’t your average physician, he is a complete shit head. The guy is so uptight and snarky all the time that Harry dreams of drop kicking him in the balls on a frequent basis. He may have recently graduated but he’s good at what he does, could vouch that he never cheated his way through medical school, and studied his ass off to make the top ten of his class. So why Liam insists on giving him shit all the time, he will never understand. Harry just wants to learn and excel at his job, make a name for himself, move up and away from this hospital and become...something more. So much more.

“Look who it is? Mr. Sassy himself!” Liam's tone is patronizing, condescending. “And on time too!”

“Save it.” He grunts and busies himself with his shoe laces.

“I'll try but it's hard to resist.” The smirk plastered on this dude's face is unapologetic and purposeful. _He wants to hurt me._

“What am I doing today, boss?” He asks rather than shove the fucker into the row of lockers. Supervisor or not, this is unwarranted behavior. _I can wrap your body around a tree ass-fife so I suggest you back the fuck off._

“ICU.” Liam orders. “Don’t mess up or I'll let the chief know you're sneaking in extra breaks to smoke.” He swiftly leaves the room. _Or to kiss a few asses. Literally_. _  
_ “Cock sucker.” He spits as he gathers his stethoscope, pens, and coat. “He can’t take this from me...none of it.” He attempts to salvage his mood and shake off the exchange. “I'll prove you _all_ wrong.” He bites his bottom lip. “I'll prove it to the _world._ ” He slams the locker closed, composes his shrinking ego, and breaths through the hysteria roiling underneath his skin. “Especially you…” He seethes. “Especially _you_.” He grips his curls and makes his way to the ICU.

Upon arrival he's immediately bombarded by a team of nurses, two very large security guards, a man dressed in a crisp navy-blue suit, and a young girl sobbing into her hands trailing closely behind. He wants to question what is going on but is momentarily distracted by the gurney passing through the double doors by non-medical staff. _What the actual fuck though?_ A small man is lying amongst the sheets, his body frail, and complexion pasty white. He’d like to see more of the person but the oxygen mask obscures most of his sunken cheeks. _Oh._ The heart monitor begins to beat erratically too. _Is he stable? Why is he-_

“Doctor!” He turns towards the voice.

“Hi Barb.” He greets the one nurse he actually tolerates. “What's going on?” He gestures towards the commotion.

 _“_ They’re taking this patient to the private suite on the top floor. He was meant to remain in ICU for at least another week but his manager insisted they move him.”

“A-alright?” His confusion is evident.

“You have to sign the release paperwork.” She shoves a clipboard in his face.

“I haven’t read his chart I have no idea-”

“They’re insisting.”

“Who is they? I can’t just sign anything! I know nothing about the patient.” He finds the small body, the hand, the-... _oh._

“It’s from his management team. They want him on a different floor.”

“That’s _wonderful_. We don't take orders from a management team or whoever they are. I cannot and _will not_ sign anything.” He pushes the clipboard away and turns his attention to the group. “Excuse me. You cannot remove that patient from ICU.” His voice is stern, adamant.

“We have every right to switch his room. The public cannot find out he is here.” The man in the suit argues.

“And who exactly are _you_?” Harry crosses his arms. _Great way to start my shift…just peachy fucking keen._

“Simon.” He extends his perfectly manicured hands. “Cowell.” He peers down and refuses to shake it.

“Mr. Simon Cowell.” He looks back towards the man. “I cannot sign the release paperwork on that patient-” He points to the bed “-until I am one hundred percent certain he is capable of leaving the ICU. I am responsible for this gentleman’s life and it will sit better with me knowing I took the proper precautions prior to moving him. In lemans terms, I want to avoid a lawsuit.”

“Well, _Doctor…_ ” The manager squints his eyes towards Harry’s coat. “ _Styles_ , I am _this gentleman’s_ manager and require him to be placed in a more secluded part of the hospital until further notice. He is in a coma and the state of his health must not leave the four walls of the building. Do you understand the consequences if the tabloids were to get their filthy hands on this information?”

“Yeah he’ll get five minutes of fame then go back to being an average Joe like the rest of us idiots.” Harry quips. “Now, if you’d let my staff-”

“Where is your boss? I refuse to be spoken to like I am some insolent child. I have a business to run and this boy needs to be protected.”

“What are you-” He feels his rage burning in his gut. _You fucking scum bag._

 _“_ Hi _._ Yes we will sign these papers. We have a team that will be able to look after him.” Harry cringes at the voice. Dr. Campbell is his fellow colleague and means no harm, but she is dead wrong in this case. “Here you go. Now take him to the twenty-fourth floor. I will be sure to have a nurse waiting for him.” She smiles.

“Thank you! Finally some respect.” Simon turns on his heel and follows after the gurney that is now at the elevators. Harry takes one last look at the body lying limply in the middle of the bed. _Who_ _is that?_

“What the hell!” Danielle starts, grips his forearm.

“What did I do now?” Harry questions as they return to ICU.

“Do you have any idea who that was?” She stops him.

“No. And I don’t care to find out.” He roughly pulls his arm from her grasp and walks away. “I have a staff to run.”

And that would be how his afternoon went.

.

.

.

.  
_Meet me by the side entrance. I've got a surprise for you._

He sends the text and awaits the reply.

_A surprise? Are you commando?  Ready for a quicky in the bathroom?_

He smirks, types his response.

_Boxer briefs actually and they're constricting my cock. Care to remove them?_

“Harry!”

“Ah fuck.” He sends one last text.

_Meet me._

_Rub me._

_Lay me._

_I'm ready._

.

.

.

.

After his shift, Harry is practically running from the hospital with the sexy anesthesiologist he’s been texting with all evening. They met by the side entrance, kissed for a good half hour before they were satisfied, and are now looking for something more... _involved_ . He can feel his excitement grow as the man squeezes his hand,  purposely grazes their legs together as they walk to their respective cars. Their mutual attraction is stifling, their needs painstakingly obvious, their horniness choking the air from his lungs. _I need you_.

“Quit dragging your feet.” He groans.

He’s wanted this man from the moment he saw him, wanted to suck the guy off in the bathroom, hump him in the locker room knowing his _boss_ was right next door, anything he could manage really. He didn't care, he wanted it, he wanted the pleasure.

 

Harry is not by any means innocent. His brazenness has gotten him into trouble once or twice (or three times if he counts the college professor he fucked, or okay that fucked him, until he saw stars) and lost most of his friends because of it. Now that he thinks of it, he has no friends...or anyone close for that matter. It's what he's accustomed to...the revolving door, the quick lays and even quicker nights out on the town. He'll be _just fine_ as long as his emotions are in check.  
They reach his car.

_If I'm able to._

“My place?” The man leans into his larger frame, grips his forearms.

“No, mine.” Harry wants to break in that mattress and taste every inch of the man.

“How? You live at home. No offense but I’d rather not have your mother see me naked.”

“I have my own place now.” He reassures as he wraps his arms around the brunette and pulls him closer to his awaiting lips.

“Is that so?” Harry nods a yes. The man pushes him against the luxury vehicle and presses himself flush against him.

“Uh-huh and I want your tongue between my ass cheeks. Have been dreaming of it for weeks…dreaming of you for even longer.” He bats his eyes, bites his lip. “I can't wait.”  
“Must be my handsome face.”

“Or your incredibly plump ass. I may just burst right here...rubbing up against you.”

“We wouldn’t want to waste a perfectly erect cock…so let’s go.”

“Good.” He reluctantly releases the man. “Follow me.”

.

.

.

.  
Within minutes they’re in the condo falling over one another with their lips interlocked and hands fondling every inch they are able to reach. They're uncoordinated as they undress, sloppy with their kissing, and groping at the other's heated skin with unabashed fingers.

“You’re impeccable.” His partner pants. “God you look even hotter than I imagined.” The man pushes Harry against the edge of the quartz counter.

“I’d look even hotter with you between my legs.” He admits, disregards the sting in his lower back. “And your cock buried balls deep in my ass.” He wants Zayn to fuck him into next week or maybe into the following _month_ . “I want you so deep….” He grazes the smaller man’s scruffy cheek, admires the sharpness of his jaw and the beauty before him. “...so deep that I can feel you in my throat.” He cannot help watch the way the man’s chest rises and falls with every inhale he takes, how wild his eyes are and the desire they hold. Zayn has been around, probably screwed most of the men (and women) on staff at the hospital, including the medical students but Harry couldn’t care less. The man has skill and he wants to lay witness to it. _And maybe join the rotation._

They resume their kissing, fondling, and searching, stumble backwards towards the end of the hall.

“What are you doing?” Zayn goes for his neck but Harry slaps his hand down..

“Follow me.”

“I want your lips on me.” The man pleads as they make their way to the bedroom. “Oh wow. This is-”

“Perfect setting. Now put your dick in my ass.” Harry sits on the bed and pulls the brunette on top of him wanting to feel every inch of his nakedness against his chest.

“Keep talking like that and I’ll stick it down your throat to shut your rambling mouth.”

“Any orifice...just fucking pick one. I’m ready.” He says.

“What if I wanna do both?”

“Then do both.” Harry’s arousal is through the roof right now, his cock so hard he can feel the blood rushing underneath his skin. “I. Do. Not. Give. A. Shit.” He enunciates each word attempting to get his point across. He lies back onto the pillows, spreads his legs, gropes himself as an invitation. “Don’t…” He pumps himself. “Don't make me do this on my own.”

“Holy fuck that's hot.”  Zayn crawls up his torso and sits on his chest and traps his arms. “How do you like it?” The brunette asks as he starts to stroke himself. Harry’s eyes widen at the sight, the desire to run his tongue along the underside and pleasure the living shit out of him clouding his thoughts. “Well?” Zayn grabs his chin rousing Harry from his reverie. “Look at me.”

“Long and hard.” 

“Good. Now fuckin take it.”

The man literally shoves his cock into Harry’s awaiting mouth, nearly chokes him as the tip hits the back of his throat, and gags at the intrusion. It was unexpected and harsh, unfeeling and a fucking God send.

And every thrust that follows is just as hard, rough, and lacking any affection. It’s raw, audacious oral fucking and the intensity is only growing. Each pump is relentless and deeper than the last, the lack of oxygen both frightening and such a turn on he can feel the pre-cum drip down the side of his own cock. It's making him hornier...if that were possible.

He has a sudden urge to be tied up and left completely to this man’s mercy, his very soul dominated, his sense of self stripped away. He hates that he can easily push the man off to take in oxygen, to be able to breathe freely, to allow his _weakness_ to take over. But what’s the fun in that? So he keeps his hands clenched in the sheets savoring the feel of the brunette’s cock sliding in and out of his mouth. _Just take it._

Zayn continues to fuck his mouth, refuses to break their eye contact, uses his hips to thrust. His face does not reveal any sign of mercy, care, or fondness. It’s simply business and no affection, all work and no play. Harry starts to wonder if this is how he’ll cum...if he will actually allow the man to blow his load down his throat or if he’ll pull out and release on his chest or face. Anything would suffice really. _Ugh, touch me or something_.

His partner ceases his movements then, witnesses the tears pool in his eyes. _Shit! Don't lose it._

 _“_ Little boy is crying now?” Zayn pushes in a half inch further. “Can’t take my cock, eh?” His hands are wrapped around the silk sheets, his fingers becoming numb from the tight fists. “Are you really all talk? You look like a whiney bitch but I thought you’d be great in bed.” He inches in again _. I can’t breathe…don’t think about it. Be strong_ . “Do you like how I taste?” He nods slightly because really Zayn tastes like fuckin candy. “And you want me buried inside you?” He nods again as a solitary tear escapes his eye. “Crying!? Are you crying? Don’t be a prissy little bitch.” _Okay I’m turning blue…definitely_ . Harry feels lightheaded, a little weak, a little... _frightened._ This is all fun and games but goddamn it he doesn’t want to die right now, not to mention his jaw is on fire and stretched to the max. He can even feel his lips splitting.

He moves his hands to Zayn’s hips to shove him off but the brunette is deadweight. He then tries to push up to free himself from the trap he managed to find himself in but fails again. _I can't...breathe! I can't-_

“You are all talk!” Zayn starts to move his hips again, frees Harry’s airway, releases the endorphins. “You're a damn wuss!” The man continues to demean him. _Holy fuck I feel incredible_ . “You can't even…” His hips jolt forward as a surge of pleasure erupts in his core. _Choke me!_ He screams. _Gag me. Do it...more!_ “Oh no no…not so fast, boy.” He thrusts harder and harder still, the pleasuring now becoming slightly painful, the stinging in his jaw turning into a dull ache. Harry scrunches his eyes closed but feels a hard slap on his cheek immediately forcing him to open them. “Here I’m thinking you’re some freak in the sack but you turn out to be a little school girl.” _Okay, but choke me again._ Harry refocuses, allows Zayn to pump into his mouth, pushes his discomfort aside _._ “Can't...even...take _it_ !!” The brunette begins to pant, grunt, _whine._ “Can't even...handle me!” He hallows his cheeks then to prove this asshole wrong. _Fuck you. I'll make you scream._ “You...you can't take me!!” He pulls with his lips, swipes his tongue along the tip, hums his appreciation. “Fuck!!” His partner releases unexpectedly, chokes him with the sticky substance. “Fuck…” He wants to spit it up suddenly, empty his stomach of the jizz...wash his mouth clean. Be free.

Zayn pulls out and straddles his hips, stares down at him.

“Your gag reflexes are like…golden.” He pinches Harry’s nipple. “Can’t wait to do that again.”

"I...I bet.” He touches his throat, swallows. “Do you get off on nearly asphyxiating your partner?” _Which come to think of it..._

 _“_ Possibly _._ You were starting to get a little purple.”

“Even better.” Harry rolls his eyes. “Alright well-” A cell phone chimes.

“Fuck. I have to go.” Zayn stands up. “That’s my cue.”

“Wait, what?!” He looks down at his cock. “I thought-”

“I got the call from the hospital. I’m needed for surgery.”

“Now?! It’s 4am!”

“Yah! There was a transplant donor and they need me. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Uhm, well…let me think.” Harry lays on the sarcasm, taps his chapped lip. “You fucked my mouth, got off, and you are now leaving me with my cock red and waiting.” He points down to himself. “Seriously?”

“Oh well.” The man shrugs and leaves the bedroom without another word. Before he can think, Harry jumps off the mattress to trail after the him and practically throws him against the wall the moment he is within reach

“I don’t think so. You’re not leaving here until I am completely satisfied.” He grunts. Maybe he is being a little unforgiving, maybe his horniness is making him act like this… _Maybe I am just a callous prick_. “Get on your knees.” He takes hold of Zayn’s hair and pushes him down to the floor.

“You kinky fuck.”

“Suck.” And with that, the man blows Harry right in the hallway. Zayn’s mouth is magic, his tongue pure bliss, every swipe and pull bringing him so close to the edge he can taste it. “Faster!” He instructs as he takes hold of the man’s head and guides him. He refuses to be left blue balled and wanton, or begging on all fours. _Although I wouldn't mind being sprawled out face down on a mattress_. And with that thought and just the right amount of pressure, Harry cums down Zayn’s throat with a guttural moan. It's shameless. He's conspicuous and tasteless. _I'm a damn pig._ “Take that.” He pulses his hips once more before pulling out. “Now you may go.” He hastily steps aside and walks to the kitchen to set up the coffee pot.

“Golly! Thanks, mister!”

“Fuck off and get your ass back to the hospital before I decide to chain you to the bed.”

“Yeah good luck with that.” He clicks on the pot.

“Is that a challenge?” He measures the water, pours it into the filter.

“Maybe...but not tonight. This kid has been waiting on a new heart for months.”

“Oh...okay.” He sighs. _Patients over patience._

“Well, I’ll see you at work tomorrow?” Zayn asks as he fastens his wrinkled jeans.

“Yup.” Harry frowns. “Tomorrow.”

.

.

.

.  
Harry is officially moved into the condo.

He doesn't have much to begin with however this is his fresh start, his new beginning, his new lease on life and he can't wait to feel the freedom. There are boundless options before him, so many opportunities for him to try and challenge himself with, so _much_ he has not seen and done! _The world is at my fingertips! And it's mine for the taking!_

So why is he in bed with his hand down his pants? If he's looking for a change, shouldn't he be...out _making_ said changes? What good does jerking off do? What will he accomplish? Why on his first day off in what felt like weeks does Harry insist on pleasuring himself and watching the clouds roll by?

He purposely rented this fucking place to impress men, to get laid more than _once a month_ , to fucking savor the space and silence he never had at home. He's the perfect age to be living life to the fullest, not lazily stroking himself in his bedroom. _I have to go out._ He decides after a good ten minutes. He'll dress to impress, meet some fancy stock broker at the local bar, bed his ass, and kick him out once he's satisfied. _It'll be easy. I'll maybe even put on a show._ _Done deal._

He grips his shaft tighter to get this over with, to cease his incessant thoughts, to keep his mind on the _matter in hand_ . He came home with the boner after Zayn flirted with him in the locker room, enticed him with a mere finger between his ass cheeks and a set of lips that sucked delicately at his neck. _UGH!!_ Harry was so ready to meet the asshole in the bathroom but he chinced out, made some shit excuse that he was _too hungry_ and actually had to use his break to eat. _Fucker_. And now he's stuck here handling the aftermath.

His arm is tired and the constant pumping is not doing anything to progress his orgasm. He’s wanted to stop so many times but going to bed horny will leave him too frustrated and the thought makes him shudder.

 _Come on!!_ He groans, throws his head back into the pillow at the unjustness. _Go...go!!_ He wraps his free hand around his neck, chokes himself, squeezes his throat to maybe get the blood flowing.

“F-fuck...fuck…” He has a firm grip on himself, strokes faster and _faster_ , whines into the air as the flurrying sparks in his lower abdomen. He's... almost there... _almost_ ! He tightens his fingers to encourage his orgasm further, to at least make this worth it since he was left blue balled. And he feels so good…so light…his head is in the clouds, the tingling is now coming alive and burning from within. He scrunches his eyes closed from the sensations, struggles to intake air. _This is going to be so good…so…fucking GOOD._ He focuses on his fingers, his body, his arousal...his fucking need to _cum!_  
And he’s there.

He releases a moan of pleasure, cries out to the ceiling, and to whoever cares to listen. He just feels too good...too free.

“Fuck yes.” He sighs and drops his hands to the bed. “I'm finally...okay.” He takes two deep breaths, catches a foreign scent in the cross breeze. “Mmm what's that?” He hasn’t noticed it in the past but it smelled good…fresh…as if the person was just in the room. It makes him feel weightless, completely calm, at ease, so relaxed he isn’t quite sure how to react. How could a simple smell elicit such an intense feeling? Such warmth? _Am I going crazy?_ _Maybe it’s the lack of oxygen. I should get a handle on that._

He quickly stands and heads to the bathroom to wash his hands.

Later he'll go shopping, buy a new shirt and go _out,_ work on his flirting game and possibly pick up a lucky guy. He's off tonight, he can't waste it being pent up in his new home. And he can't rely on Zayn. He's got plans of his own and Harry is convinced he isn't part of them so he'll take control and watch _him_ beg on all fours.

_I've got this._

He heads back to bed and slinks underneath the covers.

“Ah this feels fantastic.” He sighs and turns towards the window. “I'll sleep…and-” The smell is back then. “Huh?” It’s stronger too, potent to his senses, more prominent and _familiar_ . Harry breathes it in to memorize it, to remember the way it made him feel so comforted. His heart enjoys it. Later on he’ll find the source. “Yeah...later…later I'll find you.” He closes his eyes and succumbs to sleep.

.

.

.

.  
_The condo feels different. Everything is in its place but for some reason…something is off._ _  
_ _I am in the living room facing the window looking towards the bridge and pink sunset. What the fuck happened? I know I was out…doing what exactly? What happened? How did I get here? Where is everyone? My phone hasn’t rung in…hours…days?_ Everything is a blur…Maybe if I have a glass of water I can focus.

 _I walk towards the kitchen and note a mug on the counter top with drips of coffee pooling at the base. It's leaving a nasty looking ring  on the quartz._ What the fuck?! Who left this!!

 _I run to the sink to grab a rag_ . I don’t even drink coffee!! _I am about to pick up the sponge when I hear a noise coming from the bedroom. I stop dead in my tracks with my hand suspended in mid-air and mouth propped open in fear._ What the hell?!

 _I hear it again and this time it's louder and more urgent, pained even._ Do they need help!?

 _I make my way towards the bedroom but a random jacket thrown across the back of a barstool catches my eye._ What the fuck is going on? _I’ve never seen this garment in my life. I am not a fashion guru, but this is totally not something I’d wear! I’m more of a…wait what kind of dresser am I? I cannot seem to grasp anything, time, place, what I was doing, who I am?_

What am I!?

 _The noise comes again and this time it sounds muffled, as if the person’s mouth is covered, as if they're being_ forced _into something._

 _I immediately bring my attention back to the bedroom, the place the sound is originating from._ Am I in the right condo? _I stand flush against the wall and slide down the hallway towards the partially closed door. I see shadows casted against the far wall and can confirm there are two bodies in there…doing what?_

 _  
_ “Jesus fuck...you’re a masterpiece.” Okay that was a dude saying someone looks good. But why are you in my ROOM!!! The other person moans…a moan of ultimate pleasure. Okay???? So, we can conclude the following…someone…or multiple people broke into my home, drank coffee, took off their coat, and decided to have sex in my bed. WHY MINE!!! They'll soil the sheets for sure!

 _I am almost at the door when it swings open revealing a rather tall man with dark brown hair, a stupid grin, long torso, and holy shit he’s naked…and incredibly well endowed. I freeze in place knowing I’ve been caught…well actually…he was caught having sex in my place! But I don't exist apparently because he walks right by me without even a glance._ _  
_ _“I forgot something in my jacket. Don’t move! Ha…oh wait you can’t.” The man jests. I look around him and see…another person lying on the mattress. His arms are suspended above his curly head, his legs are spread wide, his abdomen is moving frantically as if he's trying to catch his breath._

What the fuck…?

_“Are you okay? Sir? Are you-”_

_I feel an odd sensation then, like the wind is forced from my body and the other man appears in front of me._ Oh my god? _Am I invisible? I must be dreaming._

 _“Forgot this.” He holds something up but I can’t see what it is. “Just in case you’re naughtier than normal.” This man’s voice is annoying…I wanna slap him._  
_The man crawls over the other guy and I can’t help but walk in to inspect. The room is a complete mess…clothes are strewn about, coffee mugs are littering every surface, my decorative pillows are in heaps on the floor, bottles of lube…How many does one person need?! I sort of forget what’s actually happening until I hear a gagging noise followed by a gasp. What!? I turn around towards the bed and that gross guy is CHOKING the curly haired man!!_ _  
_

_"HEY!!! STOP!” I shout. “You're hurting him!” I run towards the mattress to pull the guy off but my hand passes through his shoulder. I try again and AGAIN_. Oh my god. _The tall dude brushes his shoulder as if he felt something but ignores it to continue where he left off._

_Gag._

_Choke._

_Sputter._

_Cough._

_Gag._

_MOAN._

_“Oh my God!!”_

_The sounds coming from the body lying face down is scary and borderline frantic. The urge to help is surging through me, guiding me to this... person but I can’t actually touch anything!!! I tip toe towards them, watch the gross guy lift the_ _man off the mattress by his slim torso. And the sight is so horrifying, I can't even watch!_

_“HOLY SHIT!!!” I cover my eyes unable to believe what I just saw, what this man is being subjected to. I walk backwards into the wall, knock over a decorative picture frame as the scene plays out before me._

_"What the fuck was that? Harry I think you have ghosts.”_

I knocked that down!?

_I look at my feet and-_

_"WHERE ARE MY SHOES?!” I scream. I glance back at the wild eyed person and run from the room._ What the fuck is going on? _Why can’t I touch anything? Why am I not waking up from this nightmare?! I run to the front door to grab my cell…but I didn’t HAVE my phone!! What is happening!?_  
_I slide down the wall into a fetus position, feel the strength in my knees give way, find my brain spinning in circles and it's just too much. I have to get my bearings…I don’t understand…I was just...out? Was I out? Where was I?!_

_WHY CAN’T I REMEMBER?_

_._

_._

_._

_._

Harry is in heaven.

This is their usual routine, a mutual yet unspoken agreement, an unattached relationship they both can benefit from. He gets tied up, choked, and fucked to the ends of the earth while Nick, the man he stumbled upon that one night in the bar, enjoys the dominance and manhandling. It’s a happy medium and Harry doesn’t mind in the least as long as he gets his five minutes with Zayn on the side. It's beauteous. He's satiated. He's probably being used but... _I don't give a fuck._

And right now?

His face is smashed against the pillows, his hands secured and bound to the headboard, his mind currently on another planet as these multitude of sensations consume him. He's submitted, completely succumbing to this random person he met, utterly transfixed on the hand pushing and pulling the foreign object into and out of his ass. It’s impossibly long, abnormally thick, and penetrating him further then he's ever been before. It's stretching him to the max, unraveling his relatively tough exterior, forcing him to beg and whine into the bedding as if his life depended on it.And at this moment it does. His very being is begging to be released, to finally reach his climax, to fucking cum all over the pristine sheets and cry out his pleasure.

But the cock ring is preventing it. He's being pulled under and coming so close to orgasming, feels the tingling in his legs and torso, is about to experience the rush! But not a chance. It's back to square one, back to the build up and suspense, the push and pull...the groping, the...the choking of the collar. _FUCK_.

It's ugly.

It's cruel.

It's unfair.

It's making his body come alive!

_Dont. Stop._

He hears a faraway voice in the background as Nick pulls on the collar and pushes the dildo further, hears their concerns, their desire to help. But he puts it behind him, blames the lack of oxygen, refocuses on his body that's swelling with need. _Don't lose focus. Find your peak-_ but the unexpected crash forces him to turn his head. He knows he shouldn’t…since the instructions were quite clear...to keep his face down and not move but the noise…he cannot ignore it. Broken glass? How?

“What the fuck was that? Harry I think you have ghosts.” Nick says from above him. “Hey! What did I say about moving your damn head you imprudent being?” The man takes a fistful of his hair and tugs. “You know I hate hurting you so just follow the rules.” He witnesses a figure running down the hall next. _What the hell!? Am I that fucked up right now?_

“How did that happen?” He questions but is immediately spanked between his legs. He yelps, scrunches his eyes to fight off the surge of pleasure erupting in his core. _F-fuck. That's…_

Push.

Pull.

Push...push... push !!

He whimpers into the air, trembles from head to toe, cringes at the sting pulsing in his abdomen. The orgasm is flurrying again, reminding him he has yet to cum once since they started and...and he really has to! But...the mess. How did that happen? What's going on? His eyes fly open.

“Stop for a second.” He squeaks. But he's slapped harshly between his legs as a warning, groped harshly, forced to submit. “W-wait!!” He pleads, pulls on the bindings. Another tug. “RED. Goddamn it, red.” He chokes and Nick moves off of him in one swift motion.

"What?” The man grunts.

“Seriously? _What_? Did you not see a person running down the hall? And what knocked that frame off the wall?” He moves his arms but the binds around his wrists prevent him.

“Take these off.” He struggles to get comfortable. _Now I'm back to Earth._

“I want to have my way with you first.” Nick moves to sit on top of him again.

“Not now you horny fuck. Did you not hear me scream red!?” He gets slapped a third time between his legs, pulls harshly at the cuffs. “HEY! Do you not understand a word I just said!? Now let me go!!” Yeah he wants to get fucked but right now he has to figure this out, figure out who that person was. How did they get in here? Did he scare them away? Were they trying to help?

Nick leans over him, slips the dildo free, and unlocks the cuffs. Harry pushes the man off as his anger surfaces. How could Nick do that? Safety words are set in place for a reason.

“What the fuck is wrong with you!” He rubs at his wrists, gently removes the ring.

“Calm down, alright?”

“NO! You have to stop the second I say.” Nick starts to giggle. “This isn’t funny you fucker.” Harry unbuckles the collar around his neck and throws it onto the bed. “And you fastened that too tight.” He stands up and stumbles over to the debris littering the floor. “That’s weird…I’ve never hit into it…Did you accidentally graze this when you came back in?”  
“Nope.” Nick’s giggle is progressing.

“Why are you laughing?” He hates the fury burning within him and the tightness in his chest. “If you’re going to act like this, get out.” The man bites at his lip to suppress the noise but fails miserably.

“I was not near the wall so it wasn’t me…maybe it was the ghost.” He then bursts into a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

“That’s it. Get the fuck out.” Harry snaps and slowly stands back up. _Shit, he let me have it today_ . “I’ll call _you_ .” He touches his lower back.

“I like when I gag you…keeps your mouth shut and mind focused.” Nick tugs Harry’s hair before leaving the room with his clothes bundled in his arms.

“Don’t touch me you swine.” He slips on a new pair of boxers and heads out into the kitchen.

“I know you can’t last more than three days. I’ll be expecting your call, sweet cheeks.” Nick taunts as he puts his coat on and adjusts his slacks.

“Don’t count on it.” Harry replies even though the man is right. He knows he’ll get lonely so what’s the point denying it? He enjoys the thrill too much, the escape from reality, the...the pain that so easily masks... everything else. He approaches Nick then without fault, cups his face, and moves in for a sloppy kiss. He can’t help himself as he drives his tongue into their mouth, sucks at their bottom lip, and pushes himself into them. _I need this. I need to forget. I need to focus._ But Nick pushes him away.

“You kicked me out remember?”

“Yeah, so go.” Harry kisses him once more, lingers just long enough before Nick leaves. “I need to find a hobby…” He groans and heads back to the kitchen for coffee. _I’m running out of cups._ He thinks as he spots the loan mug on the counter. “Maybe I'll-” The scent!! “Where is that coming from?” He looks out into the living room, finds nothing but… “There has to be a source.” He runs a hand through his curls. “What could it be? Why is it here now?” The air is perfumed with the smell, filling his nostrils with such sweetness. He has to find it. “But how-” There is a knock at the door. “Who could that be?” He walks over, completely disregards his lack of clothing and opens it. “What-” He's shoved back into the condo, hits into the wall. “O-oh fuck!” He throws his arms out, ducks his head, feels these hands encircling his waist.

“I have to finish.” _Nick_ purrs in his ear.

“Finish what! You scared the shit out of me.” He pushes the man away.

"Come here.” Nick attempts to be smooth.

“No. I said to leave…so you shouldn’t be here until I call you. Remember? Three days.” He holds up his hand.

“Stop being a bitch and get over here.” Harry backs away from him refusing.

“No! You fucked up the safety words.” He turns away and grips his curls.

“Let me fuck you.”

“No means NO!” He insists even though his cock is standing at attention. “I'm not in the mood anymore.”

“You sure about that?” Nick points to his crotch.

“Fuck you.” He's back in the kitchen in hopes of catching  the scent again but it's gone. “So weird.” He mumbles. “Don't you have some where to be?” He asks.

“Yeah buried inside of you.” Nick pins him between the counter and his chest. “Just admit you want me, then I'll leave.” He speaks directly into Harry's ear, pulses his hips, grazes his back with his fingers.

“I…” He scrunches his eyes closed, shivers at the thought of getting fucked on the counter. _Yeah_ . _Let me feel it for days_ . But the...person. He has to- _Forget. You have to forget._ “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.” _Lying? I am lying. I don't want you._ “Go for it.” Why?

“That's what I thought.” Nick turns him around, pushes him flat against the quartz and into position. He's momentarily disoriented from the action, certain he hit his head but soon it's all coming back to him, soon he is filled to the max with this guy's cock and it's so... _difficult_ to turn away!

“God... don't…don't hold back!!” His hips are pressed against the cabinet, his stomach slapping against the unforgiving surface as Nick slams into him. It's okay... it's nothing thrilling... it's an easy lay for him Harry is certain. _So I might as well make the best of it._ He refocuses on the moment, takes a deep breath and…the scent. _It's back!!_

He looks up towards the living room and finds the figure standing by the sofa. At first he thinks it’s their reflection in the window…but the person is much smaller, too small to be Nick. They look confused, indifferent, and so handsome. But not threatening…just lost. _Why am I not afraid of you? Why are you here?_ He continues to stare at those wary eyes and downturned mouth. _You’re...you are-_

“Harry, I won’t last.” Nick disrupts his moment with the ghost. _Oh yeah I’m getting fucked_ . He refocuses on the man behind him and attempts to find where he is in the orgasm department…but he's limp. So limp for once and not turned on.

“N-Nick.” He says as his hips hit the cabinet. “S-stop.” He chokes out, braces his arms on the counter. “P-please I-” He looks up again and the shadow is still there. Their eyes are cobalt blue and so pretty, so warming, so intriguing. _Who are you?_ “N-Nick!!! I'm not-” Nick moans behind him then, releases directly into his sore ass _,_ clutches onto his waist as he comes down _. Fucker forgot the condom again_ . Nick lies flush against him, presses their bodies close in an awkward embrace. _Eh...not...no._

“Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. I can…” He reaches around to touch Harry’s cock. “Well shit. Don’t I feel awful now. Did you go?” Um this guy is oblivious.

“I was distracted.” He is staring at the figure.

“By what?” Nick pulls out and reaches for a paper towel. He starts to clean himself then Harry.

“Uh…the person standing in the living room?” He points at them in disbelief. _You're...you are real?_

“I definitely secured the collar too tight. Next time, it’ll be a notch lower.” He does one last check of Harry’s ass, pulls up his boxers with a snap and throws the paper away. “Gotta run…See you tomorrow.”

“Bye?”

The ghost is there as clear as day.

.

.

.

.  
_Who is this man? Why is he in my condo? Why is he able to see me and that other guy can't? What makes him different? Why do I feel like there is something in my throat!?_

_I divert my attention to my naked toes, wiggle them against the carpeting I know I should feel but I don't...I don't!!! I don't feel anything!_

_But...but what about-_ _  
_ _I look frantically around the room then to take in my surroundings because I must be in the wrong condo…that’s it. This is my neighbors place…silly me…No. The furniture though! It's mine! I remember this stuff! So then where are the…where are my PICTURES?! I stumble around the room searching for anything familiar, grip at my fingers in fear._

 _“Oh my God...oh my God...oh my God.” I repeat as I move. “N-nothing...nothing is... making sense!”_ _  
_ _“Who…who are you?” I pause. The voice is deep, beautiful, so warming, and placating to my worry...it almost makes me feel normal. But...but wait I just witnessed him in an intimate act and he is so calm? How? He's not embarrassed? He's not ashamed? Am I not real!?_

_“Oh God.” I cry and continue my search for pictures, something, something that reminds me!!_

_“I can see you.” Why can’t I see me?! “Why are you here?” The guy rounds the counter, reveals his long, perfectly tanned legs, and firm torso._ Oh my, you’re... you're quite the sight. I can see why that gross dude wanted to _\- I slap my face to get back on track. What am I thinking!?_

_“F-focus...focus!!” I finish the living room but the man is blocking my path to the bedroom! And honestly I don't-_

_“I heard you before you know…trying to help.” I turn to him, watch his fingers run through his curly hair._ Wow you're...you are...

_“I...I was…” My eyesight is blurred suddenly, my head impossibly heavy, my limbs dead weight! I clutch onto my neck, feel the sensation of air being forced into my lungs, feel...feel something in my throat! “I...I...uh...I-” I can't speak! I can't move! I can...I can feel the...what's in my hand!! “Uh...uh…” I'm scratching at my hands, rubbing at my throat, struggling to form a coherent thought! And it's just not working!_

_“Are you okay?”_ The man!! _I turn to him and he's still standing there watching my obvious struggle. But it's not enough! I'm too far gone...too- “W-WAIT!!”_

 _I collapse._  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Harry runs to the middle of the living room where the boy was. _Where are you?_ He searches the space, places his hand out to feel for a cold spot. But there's nothing. It's empty. It's just him and the four walls. He grips his curls, sighs in discontent, and-

_The scent!! It's here!_

And it's concentrated, more potent to his senses, so sweet and just his undoing. He is obsessed with it, can't seem to get enough of it or wipe his mind clear of it. He wants to smell the unique fragrance again and...again. _I want to bottle it up, keep it with me forever._ But why though? WHY does a _ghost_ have that effect on him? How is that even possible? _Why is it my luck?_

He plops down on the sofa in defeat, yelps from the sting in his lower back, and curses himself for allowing Nick to plunge the largest plastic _dick_ he's ever scene into his ass.

“Ugh, fuckin Nick.” He grunts. “Just had to give into him... fucking impress the guy with a small cock and no brain.” He sits in silence, runs his fingers along the indentation the handcuffs made on his wrist, blames that stupid man for...nothing. It was his fault-

“Why are you here?!” He whips his head up towards the voice and the stranger is back!

“What?” He feels insecure suddenly. “I live here.”

“That’s INSANE because _I_ live here. This is MY house.” The boy isn't the same. He's angered, his face is pasty white, his eyes black pits. _Where's... the blue?_

“Um…no see I sublease this condo…have been for almost two months.” He stands up to introduce himself. “My name-”

“I don’t CARE who you are. Get out!!” The boy points a finger at him and his anger flares in his gut.

“No.” Harry deadpans.

“YES! Or I'll...I'll force you to leave!!” The spirit is fading in and out, his voice mutated and filled with venom. “ _Get out!!”_ He shouts and without much warning, they run towards him with incredible speed. It's too quick for him to react or to breath even before the ghost hurdles into him. He's sent flying back, collapses into the coffee table, and tumbles to the ground in a painful heap.

“O-owe…” He whispers. “Wh-what the fuck?” His abdomen is tingling, his heart is jarring in his chest, his _skin_ is burning. “Oh God what the fuck was that?” He lifts his head, winces at the vertigo. “Ugh…” He holds his head in his hands, takes deep breaths to reorient his thoughts. “He...he was…” His eyes well with tears out of no where. “Wh-why?” He scrunches them closed as a sickening feeling twists at his stomach. “Ah...what the... why!?” He encircles his arms around his torso, struggles to stifle his whimpers. He's hurting, he's feeling...the pain his- “What's happening!?” He struggles to stand, crawls to the couch, cringes at the throbbing in his head. “H-how...how?” He opens his eyes and he's in his childhood bedroom with his mother standing over him. “No…” He sobs. “I thought-”

_It's your fault!_

_I Hate you!_

“N-no. No.” He covers his head. “You're not...here you're not!”

_Daddy left because of you!_

“No he didn't!” He shouts back. “He left...he left because you...you-”

********* A self harm scene is next.**

********* Please proceed with caution.**

_Ugly faggot. Fucking die already!_

“I didn't do...anything!” He's outwardly sobbing, inconsolable, shattered from head to toe. “I'm…” He’s reliving it…the abuse, the hate, the screams. _Fuck. Not now. Not again. Never again_ . Her voice is resonating in his skull…the coldness haunting him, burying him deeper into the agony. _What is that boy? What is he doing? Why is he doing this?!_

_It was your fault!!_

“I didn't-”

_You were never meant to be born!_

“I wasn't...I had no control-” He sobs.

_Your fault...YOUR fault!_

“It _was_ me!!” His voice is just audible. “I…I…did it.” He squeaks out, surrenders to the shouting he's never become accustomed to. His mother continues to scream, points the blame, crushes his adolescent heart into bits, and allows his childish dreams to crumble. “It was my fault.” The grief is overwhelming. He is seeing stars…he has to end it. He has-

_Die, you poor excuse of a child!_

“It’s time…” He uncovers his head, allows his tears to fall, stumbles to the kitchen. “I need...need something... something to…” Sharp. It needs to be sharp. It needs to be thick. It needs to get the job done. “Don't... don't be a pussy. Don't wuss out!! Not like before.” He reaches the knife block, grips a handle, and pulls the weapon free. “It's... it's...good?” He finds his reflection in the blade, lays witness to his red eyes and flushed cheeks. “I hate you.” He sobs. “I _hate_ you so much. You'll never change. You'll always be pretty on the outside and a disgusting, putrid mess on the inside.”

 _Useless_.

_I hate you._

_Your fault._

_Dirty child._

“SHUT UP!!” He screams into the empty room as tears stream down his cheeks. He hasn’t felt this weak in years. All of his teen angst is consuming him whole, beating him down bit by bit. His chest is tight, his limbs are like lead, his head is heavy with anguish, and life devoid of contentment. “I hate you, M-mom.” He sobs out as he places the sharp blade to his skin. “But...but I did it. Me. I ruined...it all. I _did_ !!” He sniffles, rests the knife against the inside of his wrist next to the handcuff marking. “I did...I…” The blade is cold, his heart even colder, his _blood_ the coldest and it's... it's- “The only relief...it's the only way.” He sniffles.

_Do it. Fucking do it!!_

“I...I will...I am. Finally.” He focuses on the knife, mutes his mother's incessant voice. “It's... it'll be…” _I'll be free._ He grips the handle, feels his hand shake from fear. “Fucking _pussy._ ” He bites his lip, runs the blade through his delicate skin, watches the blood pool and run off his wrist to the floor. “Oh... oh it's...I...I did it?” He drops the knife, stares at the damage, finds clarity in the fog some how. “How did...what did I do!?” His mother's voice is gone, he is back in the condo, he is…bleeding profusely! “Fuck...fuck?!” He applies pressure to the marred flesh, skirts around the blade and runs to the en-suite for a bandage. “Oh God…oh fuck what was I thinking!? What did I do!” He reaches for the cabinets, trails blood all over the counter and sink. “Where is...I don't...I need to...find something.” His lips are quivering. “What did I do? Why? What was I thinking?” He cries harder. “I can't...I need help.” He smashes his wrist to his stomach and finds his cellphone on the dresser. He can't call nine-one-one or he'll be forced to seek a counselor and that is the _last thing_ he needs to have on his record. Who does he have?  _No one. I have_ … _No one_.

So he dials the last person he was texting.

“Hello?”

“I...I did... something bad. R-really bad.” He's struggling to speak through his chattering teeth.

“Harry? What's wrong?”

“I need you! I need...I have...I took a bad...fall. I need-”

“Did you call nine-one-one?”

“No!! Liam will...will force me…” He shakes his head. “I need _you_.” He accentuates.

“Look, I'm just getting out-”

“I don't want sex. I don't-” He sighs. “I have a...a _cut_ and it's deep... really... really deep and I need you to-”

“Harry if this is some joke-”

“I'm bleeding.” His sobs into the receiver. “It's…” He looks down and his torso is covered with blood. “It's seeping into the sheets.” He's lightheaded. “I can't s-sit up.” He falls over onto the mattress.

“Oh fuck. Alright, I'll...come.”

“I...I can't... please come?”

“I am just... unlock the door. I'll be over soon.”

“O-okay.” He murmurs. “Th-thanks.” But the line is dead.

.

.

.

.

“Holy shit!!” Zayn finds him in the half bath lying next to the toilet. It's evident he got sick. “Are you okay? Talk to me!” He cradles Harry's head, checks for a pulse. “Dude...why is there so much blood?”

"I…I um…need you to suture this…please.” He holds his marred wrist out, nuzzles into his savior's neck.

"What did you do?!” His...fuck buddy inspects the wound, notes the location. “Are you...do you cut? Do you have suicidal thoughts?”

“The ghost made me do it.” He manages.

"W-what…?”

“No I am not. I just had a...an accident.”

“If you say so.” Zayn procures surgical thread and a needle from his bag. “Why don't you sit on the toilet seat?”

“I'm...I may...okay.” He nods and tries to move his legs one at a time, faulters, attempts again with no luck. “I can't.” He chokes. “I can't... I'm too weak. I'm _weak_.”

“That's okay...it's fine... you're...very pale. But you're good. You're okay.” He's stitched up there on the bathroom floor, cleaned of the blood and somehow brought to bed. “Are you okay?”

“Yes…” He admits shamefully. “I need to sleep I think.”

“I agree. Do you want me to stay?” _They never stay._

“No.” He sighs into the pillow. “No I've burdened you enough for one evening.”

“One evening? Dude you burden me every chance you have!” Zayn nudges his arm.

“Sorry.” He closes his eyes. “Thank you.” He mumbles.

“You're welcome. Happy I could...be of service.” The man stands up.

“I'll service you when I am able to.”

“That's not necessary.”

“But you did...me a huge favor and I should give you at least a quicky in the... bathroom. You know the one on the first floor no one knows about?”

“Harry, stop you don't owe me anything. But you do owe it to yourself. You should talk to someone-”

“No.” He groans and rolls over.

“But it may help you.”

“ _No_.” His tone is adamant.

“Fine but if you're not at work tomorrow I swear to God.”

“I'll be there. It's all I have.” He hides his tears. “And don't tell anyone. Please.”

“I won't.”

“Never. Like... forget this entire night happened.”

“I think you need to convince yourself of that.”

“I am. We can both forget. And then we'll be fuck buddies again.”

“I think I gave you too much morphine.”

“M-maybe.” He feels the tug. “Zayn, thank you.”  
.

.

.

.  
“He opened his eyes! Look!”

“No he did not. Now will you please sit down? You're disturbing the peace.”

“Whose _peace_ you old _hag_!?”

“Mine and would you be so kind as to keep the childish name calling to a minimum?”

“No, you pervert! I'll continue my name calling because you deserve it especially with the way you treat my brother!”

“Your brother is treated like a king. The kid has no appreciation-”

“You treat him like an object!! He hasn't had a real break in _years_ and here you are dressed in your fancy suits and overpriced shoes... being _useless_!!”

“Okay, guard please remove the child?”

“What!? I'm _family_!! Only I should be allowed in here!!”

“But I'm paying for the room.” He murmurs.

“Um... Louis’ success is paying for the room not _you_ . Louis is the face, the talent, the _very person_ his fans love and adore! Not you...you scum bag!” She points to her brother's body. “And when he wakes up, he'll see it too!”


	3. The Green Dragon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I...I don't...I don't know. I guess when I'm not being...guided I get flustered...I lose my clarity. I feel like…  
> Like when outside the walls of the condo or when... when I'm not with you I don't exist.”

_More mugs._

_I swear I am going to take this guy and throw him across the room if he forgets one more fucking mug on the coffee table. All I wish to do is to clean them and do something to my poor condo that’s certainly seen better days. Its current_ occupant _is just ignoring the mess and it’s starting to drive me nuts! How can he live like this!? Doesn’t he take pride in his home? Here I am dying to dust the shelves and vacuum the entryway rug and the dude is too busy with his bedroom antics. Which by the way...He really needs to fill his time with a hobby or something more constructive._ Maybe hardcore sex IS his hobby though? Maybe it's how he stays in shape? Maybe- _But that’s really a thought for another day…right now I have to figure out my situation before I start to understand that infuriating douche._

_And where do I begin honestly? I disappear out of the blue and reappear in my living room. I have no shoes, no phone, no wallet…it’s just my shirt, jeans, and no recollection as to what happened before I showed up here a few... hours ago? Days? Months?_

_How much time has passed?_

_I walk around the space and take it all in. Every piece of furniture is in its proper place as it should be. I know where every cup, plate, magazine, remote control, and book is…but where are my sneakers? Pictures? Clothes? Something that was once mine? I run to the filthy bedroom, ignore the mess, and stand before the closed closet door without a clue as to how I'll open it._

_“God damnit. What do I do now? Wait for..._ the man with insane legs _to come home and open it!? I mean... he's usually naked or in just a pair of boxers and-”_ _I’m a ghost. I should be able to walk through walls just like how that Gross Guy walked through me! So I place my hand out towards the wood. “Alright... alright I've got this.” I take a deep...wait I don't have to breathe and slowly watch it disappear through the door._ _“OH MY GOD.” I pull it back and inspect for any damage, feel for any tingling sensations, or redness. “It’s fine…it didn’t hurt…So weird.” I put my hand through it once again to test it out and sure enough I’m intact. It felt normal as if I were strolling down the street and not walking directly into a wall which I can imagine would be rather painful._ I'm just like Harry Potter! I just need to find platform nine and three quarters… _“Maybe I should get a Gryffindor costume and- Ugh!! Stay on track stupid!” I look straight at the door, pray for the best and take my first step. “Ah...okay it's dark.” I take one more and I'm inside. “Woah.” I inspect the rows of perfectly spaced shirts and pants. “I can't see-” A light turns on then that momentarily blinds me. “What!?” I shriek and turn towards the door but it's closed. “What...the fuck? Motion sensor? Duh…” I look at the clothes again and it's probably the most flamboyant aray of blouses and slacks I've probably ever seen or will ever see for that matter. “Jesus. Couldn't tell this guy had any taste in clothing besides his birthday suit.” I try my best to inspect each article, note the material, the softness, the colors._ Wow that one would really accentuate his eyes. _I think as I look carefully at the blouse._ Is that a dragon!? _“Dude you need to get out more and like... actually- what am I doing?  Who the fuck cares HOW this douche dresses! I need to find something of mine!!” I walk_ through _the clothes and towards the very back of the closet and there's nothing...it's only his sneakers, sandles, and...very pretty boots. “But nothing of mine...I wouldn't wear this stuff. At least I don't think I would...ugh... this is all too confusing.”_

 _I head back to the bedroom in defeat. “Okay...let me retrace my footsteps…” I bite at my lip, feel no pinch or discomfort. “Great.” And attempt to remember something prior to hearing that_ man _screaming bloody murder. “How did I end up inside the condo? Where were my keys? How come I was barefoot and...why-”_

_The front door opens and-_

_“SHIT! He’s back!!” I want to hide or disappear or walk through the wall because I am afraid to face him._

_I think I inadvertently hurt him the last time we saw one another and I have no idea how he’ll react when he sees me._ What if he’s really angry and throws holy water at me? Or places garlic throughout the condo and I can't move around!? Will he trap me here forever and then...then he'll force me to watch him screw another guy!?

 _But what if he's actually a nice person? What if underneath that harsh exterior is someone kind? Someone with a heart? Someone actually looking for attention? Someone using_ sex _as a means to get close to someone without actually_ _saying it? What if it's just a front?_

_“What if he is... hurting?” I deflate at that thought. “He could be suffering and no one would know!! I mean...what am I thinking? He stole my house! He isn't nice he's-”_

_I hear him in the kitchen moving about, hear the radio playing and his husky voice projecting down the hall._

_“Oh...damn.” I have the chills suddenly. “Wow he can sing too? So great the man is nearly perfect.” I peak around the corner towards the living room and find his shadow casted on the floor. He's still singing along to the music too so he's distracted. “Good stay there.” I mumble and tip toe down the hallway._

_And what do I say to the man when I see him? Do I like... apologize? Or maybe say hello? What about a joke? I can tell him a killer knock-knock joke!_

_“...when I feel it coming up I just throw it all away, get another two shots-”_

_“...cause it doesn't matter anyway.” I murmur thoughtlessly. “Mmm…” I stop at the kitchen wall, crane my neck around the corner and there he is putting away groceries. He looks like such a douche in those board shorts, tank, and backwards cap. I mean who the hell dresses like that!? Who in there right mind would consider leaving the house in those colors!? Pink and yellow? Seriously? Is the guy looking to get screwed in the middle of the street?_ Ugh and I'm stuck with you. _I groan._

_“Oh, yum kale.” He mumbles to himself then continues to hum to the music. Lord he's a health freak too?!_

_“Alright I have to do this…” He turns towards me and I nearly faulter._ Okay...okay I can't _. He's really nice looking and those curls...the hat can't contain them. And I believe...he was at the gym._ That could explain the attire. _But enough ogling! I really need to speak to the douche, make amends, try to salvage any sort of relationship because what if I'm stuck here!?_

Do it!!!

_I clear my throat and he freezes in place. Literally. He's like a statue. His face pales, his eyes widen in fear, his fingers stiffen around the bag of carrots in his hand._

_“I wanted-” I start._

_“Stay AWAY!” He screams. I hold my hands up in mock surrender and walk backwards._

_“I wanted to say-” I try._

_“No! Just go away. You don’t live here!” He glances my way and recoils._

_“I’m sorry! I didn't-”_

_“NO NO NO!!” He throws the bag of carrots towards my head._

_“Woah!!” I duck out of the way, hide behind the wall._

_“Ghosts are not real…ghosts do not exist…you’re not real…you’re only in my head…you’ll disappear…” I slowly retreat down the hall towards the half bath._ Well…now where do I go?! _“You do NOT EXIST!!”_

 _But I do…and I’m not sure_ how _this is even possible._

_._

_._

_._

_._

_A few whatever's later (hours, days, weeks, years, millennials) I don't fucking know anymore, I decide it's time to speak to the douche again. Why? I don't know...I haven't figured that part out yet but for some reason I have to. It's an itch I can't scratch I suppose and that dude is the rash and... Ugh!!! I don't want to speak to him!!!_

_“Why...why did I get stuck with him!?” I groan. Out of the millions of people in this city I get stuck with_ that guy.

 _“Bye, sweet cheeks.” I hear Gross Guy._ That's my cue. _I exit the half bath and see them in the hallway._

_“I hate that name.” Curly headed douche says. (Hey I don't have a name so I'm working with what I got!)_

_“Alright how about sexy ass?”_

_“Ugh…how about you call me by my first name. Whatever. Bye.” The door slams closed. “I can’t with him.” I hear his feet pattering on the wood along with a faint sigh. “Fuck…my back.” He whimpers._ Huh? _I'm shocked only his back hurts because their evening was quite the adventure. First they started watching a movie, then they decided the film was boring so they thought it would be fun to strip their clothing off using only their teeth, AND THEN they began to furiously make out on my beautiful couch (it was not those cute little kisses you see couples do in public, it was more like those sloppy tongue kisses that make you want to gag and plug your ears to block out the noise. It was awful...just awful and I am scarred for life!_ Make a mental note, never kiss like that). _Eventually they moved to the bedroom to continue this little sex-a-thon they have going on. I wanted to follow them and see because my curiosity always trumps my better judgement but I didn’t want to witness the curly haired douche getting smacked and abused for pleasure, or be tied down like he was some pet or some... weakling. He's so much stronger than that. At least physically..._

 _The noises they were making were beyond erotic, borderline animalistic and it was actually disgusting me. I even felt sick a few times from it. And there was no place for me to go…to run to…to muffle the sound of_ my roommate's _screams which now I am certain were not all pleasure induced. He definitely felt something more and he was simply masking it, or trying to at least. Gross Guy is sort of oblivious and is probably too dumb to realize his partner is in...pain._ Emotional pain. _So yeah...they continued on and on...and on!!!_

_And ugh!!!_

_I can function again._

_“Fuck.” I hear his voice and I'm stirred from my thoughts._

_“Oh…” Alright here it goes._

_I pad down the hallway until I reach the kitchen._ Okay, just say something…be friendly, warm, inviting. _I crane my neck around the corner and see him facing the counter. He’s watching the pot drip the brown liquid into the glass carafe possibly out of boredom…possibly for therapeutic reasons._ God knows… _But he's lost in thought, revealing his discomfort, showing his... anguish._ Oh…

_Well maybe I can change that! So I round the corner._

_“Please-” He reacts on impulse, heaves a mug at my face, and retreats to the living room. I am so stunned I cannot move, think, or speak. I am trying to just apologize to him and he throws a cup at me! A CUP!! “What the hell!”_

_“GO AWAY!!!” I walk to the living room and he is buried under a blanket._

_“But…please listen!”_

_“NO! NO! NO!” He starts to sing nonsensical words._

_“Come on! Just listen!!!” As I raise my voice, he does the same…it’s like I am dealing with a goddamn child. “UGH, forget you!!!!”_

_“LA LA LA LAAAA!!!!”_

_._

_._

_._

_._

_Him and Gross Guy are in the shower._

_Together._

_Moaning._

_Screaming._

_Slapping the other._

_Making sucking noises._

_Doing whatever it is that they do._

_And I can't even confirm. I'm so disgusted. I want to vomit. I want to rip out my ears._

Tonight's out I suppose.

_._

_._

_._

_._

_This is ridiculous!!_

_How are we supposed to live in harmony if he doesn't allow me the opportunity to speak to him? He's always either out of the house for...who knows how long or messing around with Gross Guy who I think is named Nick because God knows_ my roommate _(that's what he is!) calls out to him frequently when they're trapped behind MY bedroom door._

_And it's all I want to do really...is to apologize for whatever I did to him and maybe I want to understand him, find out what he's trying to hide, maybe be his make shift therapist if necessary. I'll listen, I'll give him that much! I swear! He isn't a bad person I know it...I have a feeling._

_So I round the corner with more bravado, decided I'll just come out with my line and pray he gives me the time of day._

_“I COME IN PEACE!!!!” I yell. He backs into the cabinet with wide eyes and a mess of curls atop his head. He's petrified. “Please don’t throw anything. I really want to talk.” He flattens himself against the counter. “I…”_

_“What do you want?” He asks wearily._

_“To talk.”_

_“W-why can’t you leave and piss off someone else so I can live my life?”_

_“I don’t_ have _anyone else to piss off!”_

_“That isn’t my problem.” He's shivering, gripping his bandaged wrist._

_“Don’t be afraid of me. I will not hurt you. I swear.”_

_“I d-don’t care. Please leave.” He bites his plump bottom lip._

_“I have nowhere else to go.” He shakes his head._

_“I don’t care!! Get out of…” His fear melts away suddenly, his entire disposition changes. He releases his wrist too. “…It’s you.” He stares in disbelief._

_“W-what?” I look around the room. “What’s me?”_

_“You?” He asks in confusion._

_“Um…yes me. I’m here. I think. Although I'm not too certain because I just sort of showed up and now I can't remember a thing-”_

_“Maybe you’re not…” He turns on the coffee pot, grips harshly at his curls. “Couldn't be...he was...he was evil.” I hear him mumble. “He ran into me...made me-” He reaches for the sponge and cleans off the island. “He had black pits for eyes...now they're so blue and so...”_

_“What are you talking about?” I approach him. “Did you not hear me?” I walk closer. “Hey!”_

_“What do you want?!” He hurriedly swipes at his face. “Just leave me alone.”_

_“Are you crying?”_

_“Something is in my eye…now GO before I throw something else at you.”_

_“Hey you’re the one who will have to clean it up. Not me. And no offense? I can’t get hurt so that whole throwing a mug thing was useless.”_

_“You’re a pain in the ass.”_

_“I just want to say I’m sorry.”_

_“Whatever.” He heads to the living room with the sponge and wipes down the glass._

_“Oh finally you're cleaning the table. Coffee mugs leave a nasty ring on the glass. You should use Windex-” I start._

_“I know how to clean thank you.” He brings the empty cups to the sink, dumps them in without care._

_“Well you don’t do it often so I figured I’d give a few pointers.”_

_“I don’t NEED your help.” The man washes the mugs out and places them into the dishwasher…on the bottom rack._

_“Um, glasses should go on top.” I instruct. The man let’s out a groan and places the cups on the top then._

_“There? Fucking_ happy _?” He slams the door closed and takes the Windex out._

_“Never spray directly on the surface…spray the-”_

_“Are you fucking Martha Stewart or something? Shut up!”_

_“Actually no, I'm not. I’m-” I stop because…I don’t know? That's embarrassing._

_“Well? Who are you then? Since you’re so sure about everything else.” He grunts._

_“I…I um…” I wring my hands._ Why can’t I…

_“Cat got your tongue?” He continues. He sprays the glass and wipes down the table completely disregarding my instructions._

_“I thought you_ liked _being bossed around! Looks like you can’t even follow simple instructions like keep your face buried in the mattress!” I yell at him._

_“Fuck you.” He spits out. He swipes at his eyes again._

_“No THANKS actually. I’d hate to be sloppy seconds…or thirds or fourths. God knows-”_

_“Who I sleep with is_ my _business!” He hastily walks back to the kitchen and throws the paper towel out._

 _“No! See it is my business. You've invaded my personal space, forced me to lay witness to your bitchy whining, and disgusting hobbies! Tell me, do you always let the men you screw treat you like utter trash!?” He isn't turning around or responding. In fact his shoulders are shaking._ Uh oh... Did I go too far?

_“Please just leave me alone?” His voice is barely above a whisper. “Fucking leave here and never come back?”_

_“I CAN’T!! I’m stuck here.”_

_“How?! You’re a ghost, no? Can’t you teleport to a private island or some shit!?” He turns around with a red face and swollen eyes._ Oh no.

_“I don’t KNOW. I don’t even know who I am!” I throw my hands in the air in frustration. I am just a mess…_

_“Go look in a mirror then!”_ Oh shit…duh _. I run to the bathroom hoping that maybe…just a look will jog my memory…help me remember anything. I stand in front of the sink and…_ I’m not there? _I attempt to touch the glass to confirm this is actually happening but I don’t have a reflection._ Do I really exist? _“Well?” I look to my left and see the curly haired douche there leaning against the door frame._

_“I…I don’t have a reflection.” I choke out. I stare back towards the mirror._

_“Oh well you’re not much to look at anyway.” He drops his arms and walks away._

_“What…?” I follow him. “I’m not ugly!!!”_

_“How would you know?” He finishes wiping down the counter tops._

_“Because…I just know…” I watch his back and admire the way his muscles move beneath the t-shirt, gawk at the broadness of his shoulders, the strength he must poses in those arms._ So…he’s got a great body…no big deal. I've already confirmed that _ages_ ago. _He stands to his full height and well fuck._ Yup. Big deal _._

_“Nah. You look like a kid.”_

_“I’m not a kid!! I’m…well… I don’t know.”_

_“See?” He picks up the carafe of coffee. “Want some? Oh wait…you cannot recall if you_ like _coffee, right?” He's too sarcastic for my liking._

 _“No, that I can confirm…I hated coffee.”_ Well that came out of nowhere. How did I know that?

_“It’s a start.”_

_“You drink too much.”_

_“I have my reasons.”_

_“Do you not sleep well?”_

_“I’m a light sleeper actually. Always was.” He stops a moment. “I do work twelve hour shifts so that could also be a factor.”_

_“Wow! Seriously? What do you do?” I become intrigued suddenly (or maybe I am too tired of entertaining myself so I pretend to care?)._ Or maybe...I do? Ugh...

_“This is so strange…I’m talking to a ghost…anyway, I’m a physician.”_

_“A…doctor!? YOU!!!?? HA!!!!” I point at him, slap at my thigh. “Haaaa!!! Some joke!”_

_“Don't fucking point at me.” He grunts._

_“Yeah right.” I recover from my laughter._

_“Um…well you’re the memory challenged ghost. Think what you want.” He takes out sugar and milk._

_“You’re...you couldn't be... you couldn't... you're seriously a doctor?” I ask._

_“Yes.” He seethes. I see the bandaged wrist._

_“What’s that then?” I point. “Cut yourself on the job?”_

_“Accident.” He hesitates. “Actually I can blame you for it.”_

_“Wait, me?”_ Shit I did hurt him…but how?

_“A few weeks ago you…ran through me? And it somehow incited all of these bad memories. Wait, what the fuck am I doing? Am I confiding in an apparition? I really need to get out more.” He prepares his coffee. “At first I thought you were a friendly shadow person or ghost. That’s why I wasn’t afraid but after you ran into me…or through me I should say, I had no idea what your intentions were.”_

_“Is that why you threw a cup at my head?”_

_“Yes. I didn’t know what else to do and I’m not religious so…I was out of options really. Had to react on impulse.”_

_“So you threw vegetables instead of a Cross?”_

_“Shut up.”_

_“But why did I run at you?”_

_“I don’t know. I really don’t want to talk about it, alright? It was a moment of weakness. I’m fine now.”_

_“Are you?” I probe. “I want to know what I did so I am mindful and won’t do it again.”_

_“Drop it!”_

_“I have to make sure I don’t hurt you!! I honestly don’t know how I did it.”_

_“Look, kid…”_

_“Don’t say KID.”_

_“Well I don’t know what_ else _to call you!” I dig deep, very, very deep into my subconscious to unveil anything…_ who am I? _“What’s wrong?” I look up at him._

_“N-nothing. Just trying to remember?”_

_“You can make something up if you’d like.” He suggests._ He’s really cute _…._ and those eyes are striking.

_“I uhm…” I feel it. I look into the man’s green irises and it’s there…I remember my name. “Louis.”_

_“Louis? Out of all the names…” He crosses his arms over his chest._

_“No! That’s it…that was my name.”_ How did I do that?

_“Oh alright. Well that’s good.”_

_“What’s yours?” I ask._

_“The last time I tried to introduce myself you hurt me.”_

_“Oh come on or else I'll call you Curly Haired Douche.”_

_“That's original.” He deadpans._

_“It describes you perfectly.”_

_“I'm not really a douche. I'm more of an asshole.”_

_“Okay so Curly Haired Asshole.”_

_“Now I know I need to get out more...you've seen my ass more than my face.” He sighs._

_“Huh?”_

_“Never mind…” He shakes his head, grips his sweated fringe._

“ _Oh okay…” I shift my weight._

_“How are you standing on the ground and not falling through?” He looks at my bare feet._

_“I don’t…know. I don't know how any of this makes sense. I'm so confused. But I managed to remember my name!”_

_“True. And we confirmed you don't like coffee.” He carefully takes a sip of the hot beverage._

_“That too! Sheesh, I couldn’t remember anything! Now look at me.”_

_“Harry.” I do a double take._

_“Wait, what?”_

_“That’s my name.”_

_“OH! You know I think I remember hearing it…but obviously it escaped me…alright cool. So Harry the doctor with the curly haired asshole. Nice.”_

_“Louis the_ friendly, _yet also very annoying and meddlesome ghost.”_

 _“Tis I.” A small smile plays at his lips but he hides it behind the mug._ Wow.

_“I’m going to sit outside.” He states._

_“Alright.” I look down at my cuffed jeans._

_“You should come too since you have no one else to annoy.”_

_“Okay.” I shrug._

_“That's if you want to. I don't want to force you...into anything.”_

_“No I do. I need a change of scenery.”_

_“Do you think you can?” We walk towards the sliding doors._

_“I seem to have free reign inside the condo so I’m_ hoping _I can go outside.”_

 _“Free reign? So does that mean you went through my shit?” He asks as he opens the door and I casually walk_ through _the glass. “Okay that’s weird.”_

_“Dude, you’re the one speaking to a ghost.”_

_“Don’t remind me.” He sits down on a lounger, takes in the views. “I'm hoping you didn't look through my drawers... then you'd be really frightened.”_

_“I only_ peeked _in your closet to see if any of my stuff was there. But it wasn’t…you have a lot of interesting shirts by the way.”_

_“I wear scrubs all the time. I need variety.”_

_“What's in the drawers?” I ask out of curiosity._

_“You don't want to know.”_

_“Try me.”_

_“I'd...rather not discuss the contents of my personal life. If I am able to keep some things hidden I will.”_

_“Alright. If you insist.” I attempt to sit down on one of the chairs._

_“Afraid you’ll fall through?”_

_“Uh...yeah.”_

_“Well you made it out here so maybe you’re not confined to the condo. We can try leaving the building later if you’d like.”_

_“Do you actually wanna spend time with me?” I stick my butt out and carefully lower myself onto the chair…_ YES!!

 _“Uhm…” He looks over the city below lost in thought. “I don’t have much going on. So why not? Well! Unless you have someone else you plan on visiting? Don’t let me stop you.” I take him in…like_ really _take him in and…he isn’t a bad person._

_“Nah, I like annoying you.”_

_“Settled then. We’ll try and leave the condo later.”_

_“Where is that guy of yours?” I ask randomly. Harry seems to tense up at that._

_“He isn’t ‘my guy’ he’s just a…well…how old are you again?”_

_“Fuck buddy?” I ask innocently enough. He takes a rather large gulp of coffee as another smile tugs at his lips._ You look radiant when you smile.

_“You could say that.” His attention is fixated on the landscape._

_“A very_ intense _fuck buddy. You’re into some weird shit. BUT HEY! We all have our kink.” He bursts into laughter and I swear my heart started to sing._ He's so... very... absolutely… _“So pretty.”_

_“What?” He recovers._

_“UH the view is so pretty!” I look away from him, feel heat flood my cheeks._ Keep it together!

 _“Yeah it is. I like to sit out here when I can.” I can feel his eyes on me then, can sense their intensity, their scrutiny. He's reading me or at least trying to. And I can't find the strength to return the gesture in fear of what I'll find myself._ He has secrets. Many secrets. What if I uncover them before he's ready?

 _“Where will we go later?”_ I'll probably hurt him more.

 _“Don’t know…anywhere you want. I’m off tonight so we can take our time.”_ Or I'll hurt myself with the truth.

 _“Sounds fun!”_ But it doesn't matter.

 _“It does.” I finally gaze towards him and sure enough he’s staring. “What’s wrong?” How am I remembering random snippets all of a sudden? Is it because I am engaging in conversation and that’s jogging my memory? Is_  Harry _inadvertently helping me?_

_“I’m so confused, is all.”_

_“You’ll figure it out.”_

_“I hope so. I hate not knowing who I am.”_

_“I know the feeling.” He whispers. “But I can help you.”_

_“You can?”_

_“I'll try to.” His tone is weak, unsure even. “Dunno how affective I'll be but hey-” He shrugs. “-it's better than nothing.”_

_“Th-thank you then.”_

_“No Louis, thank you.”_

_._

_._

_._

_._

They’ve been at the front door for twenty minutes.

Harry wants to shove him into the hallway and get this over with! It’s just a threshold, one step, a no brainer really and here the kid is cowering right inside the condo.

“Louis, just walk. You won’t explode into pixie dust.”

“How do you know?!” He’s standing back from the door with a face masked in fear. Harry thinks he looks adorable…in a childish way of course, younger brother cute, absolutely. _He’s a kid._

“I don't but if you don’t try you’ll never know.”

“I’LL DIE!!!” He yells. His eyes are so incredibly bright and so blue. _I can't stop watching you._

“You’re a ghost. You’re already dead.” He bites his lip, mentally slaps himself. “Fuck...that...I didn't mean that!” Louis looks horrified, angered even. “I’m _sorry_. I didn’t mean to say those words or...or insinuate that you did pass...I...I never... I've never spoken to a ghost before and ugh...” He pinches his thigh, takes a deep breath. “Look I’m awful at this…” He gestures between the two of them.

“Awful at what? Speaking to people?” The boy snaps. “Doesn’t a doctor have to you know… _talk to people_?”

“No! Awful at just being a friend…making friends… _maintaining_ a friendship.” He runs a hand through his hair in exasperation, tugs slightly. “At work I'm professional.” Louis snorts. “Fuck you. I _am_ professional and I take it seriously like...very seriously. It's my livelyhood. My passion.” He nods. “And everyone loves me for the most part especially the children.”

“Children?” Louis is watching him closely. _You won't like what you'll find underneath. Trust me._

“I like them. They make me feel human.” He shrugs.

“You are as far as I'm aware.”

“No they...they don't judge me.” He admits. “They don't see me for...for you _know_.” He diverts his gaze, stares at the patterned wall.

“What's there to judge? At first sight you're perfect. How could anyone instantly judge you?”

“Y-you wouldn't understand.” He whispers.

“How do you know?”

“It's nothing. I don't want to get into it.” _Please don't pry... please._ Louis is silent for a moment.

“Well, I can help _you_ with the whole friendship thing. How does that sound?” The kid says and his heart melts, stutters even at the offer.

“Good.” He nods. “So why don't you come out?” He is standing in the hallway. “You’re so lucky I can’t touch you. I’d drag you by your toenails.”

“That is _NOT_ nice!” The boy takes one more step. “Okay…here it goes. If I burst into flames you'll have to sweep up my remains okay? Then spread them out all over the condo so I can haunt you for life.”

“But then I'll vacuum them up and throw you away so that's not the best place for them. How about I dump them in the garbage down the block?” He smirks. “So you can't haunt me?”

“Oh shush!!! Let me concentrate.” Louis says.

“Fine...fine.” Harry watches him take that last step. “OH MY GOD!!!!” He yells, flails his arm in the air.

“WHAT!!!!” Louis cries, practically jumps five feet in the air from fear. He begins to hysterically laugh at the boy's expense. “What!!”

“You had to see your face!!” He clutches his stomach to stave off the laughter, swipes his eyes. “Wow that was hilarious.” He chuckles, recovers quickly when he finds Louis’ downturned lips. “I’m sorry. I had to do it.” He smirks. “You totally walked into that one.”

“Your neighbor is staring at you.” Louis gestures down the hall towards a woman who is indeed watching.

“Oh…” He shrugs nonchalantly and waves. “Hello!” He smiles cheekily. “I guess I am the only person who can see you…I wonder why.”

“Yeah poor me.” The kid is now standing next to him. “So let’s go I want to see the sun.”

“Sure. Let's go explore.”

.

.

.

.

It's the perfect afternoon for a walk. 

 _The company isn't too terrible either considering the circumstances_. He glances over at Louis.  _yeah, you're not a threat to me._ He's a boy, a lost boy who is just here to annoy him and get under his skin. But why though? What resurrected his soul? Why is Harry the only one who can see him? He isn't special. He's a hot fucking mess and to force someone into his existence is hell. _It's unfortunate that Louis was chosen._ It must be his connection to the condo. It has to be because he's never seen Louis before in his life. _Maybe it's in the air or maybe... I was fated to help him some how_. Who knows? It's a mystery.

_I'll figure it out. I hope._

“Holy shit!!!” Louis says rather enthusiastically.

“What?” He whispers.

“I loved that place.” The boy points.

“What place?” Harry stares at the various storefronts.

“B. Patisserie. The Kouign Amann _(pronounced queen a-mahn)_ is to die for.”

“A who?”

“It’s a pastry. Flakey, buttery…so so yummy.” Louis eyes Harry from head to toe. “I am convinced you’ve never eaten a pastry in your life.”

“I had no idea this placed existed and I grew up here.”

“Oh? Is that so?” People are starting to stare though. _Great they'll think I'm crazier than I already am._ “Ha we better leave.” Louis walks in the direction of the bridge and to their intended destination. “Everyone is starting to notice.” Harry rolls his eyes and continues down the street.

.

.

.

.

“You grew up here?”

“Uh…yeah.” They’re sitting on the bay watching the sun set. This would be romantic if…A) Harry was into that sort of thing and B) Louis was not an apparition. “My mother lives in an apartment with my sister.”

_Useless child._

_Waste of space._

_I hate you._

He shivers.

“Oh why don’t you live with them?” Louis asks. He’s sitting crossed legged with his fingers grazing the sand.

_Eat shit._

_You're at fault._

_You stole my money._

“I’d rather not talk about it.” He swallows past the lump in his throat.

“What do you want to talk about then?”

“You said you remembered the bakery. How did you?” He asks.

“You’re right…you know I didn’t even realize. It just sort of slipped.”

“I wanted to say something but people were starting to stare at me.”

“You’re not hard to miss.”

“It’s the height I know.” He confirms.

“No…it’s not only that.” Harry looks over at the boy.

“Huh? I’m not wearing anything flashy.” He is donning his usual ‘day off’ wear, a t-shirt and shorts.

“Dude, really? How dense are you?” Louis rolls his eyes and looks towards the bridge.

“No enlighten me. You can’t make a comment like that and _not_ tell me.”

“I’m embarrassed to so no.”

“Of what? You’re a ghost.”

“Okay and? I still have feelings. I’m not completely _dead_ on the inside you know.”

“I understand that…you’ve voiced your opinions about me so I know you possess plenty of those.”

“You know I didn’t mean any harm. You just…didn’t clean the coffee stains on the table the right way and it drove me nuts.”

“Were you a neat freak?”

“…Maybe? How anal could one get when it comes to _how_ you clean off glass?”

“True…but is it…helping in any way?” Harry cannot keep his eyes away from him. That scent has officially taken up residency in his nose and he never wants it to go away. He’s memorized it…the feat only taking minutes, seconds, milliseconds. _He’s a boy_ . Louis seems to be staring out at the bridge and the mountains beyond. “Earth to Lou?” The kid’s head whips around towards him and he's momentarily caught off guard. _Oh my God. S-So pretty_. “Sorry. I won’t use nick-names anymore.” He flushes in shame.

“No! Lou…people used to call me that!” His eyes are incredibly blue and practically glowing in this lighting. It’s difficult not to stare. “…what? Is there dirt on my face? Have you allowed me to walk around with like broccoli in my teeth this entire time? Because then it's war.”

“No.” He snorts. “No your teeth are perfect.”

“And white?”

“And white considering you probably haven't brushed them in who knows how long.”

“Well, I can't eat or anything so…” He takes in Louis’ irises some more.

“Do you know what color eyes you have?” Harry asks.

“…No.” The kid looks down at his hands. _Damn…look at me._ “I was hoping you’d tell me.”

“You really don’t remember?”

“I’m a blank slate…well…almost.”

“But you knew the condo! I don’t understand.”

“Look, what is happening to me? I can’t tell you because I myself have _no idea_.”

“Are you afraid?”

“Yeah...I am...very afraid. I woke up with no memory…and I thought I lost my home. Well I did…lose it because none of my things are in there. I thought maybe I’d find a picture or a sneaker…a scarf. I don’t know something to confirm it’s mine. I know where everything is…just…”

“It’s still yours. I’m just occupying it for now.” Harry has an idea. “Hey! I can ask the agent.”

“Who?”

“The agent that rented the place to me! I think he knew…he got all flustered and shit when I asked about the owner.” _Rule number four, don't ask about the owner._

“Okay! That’ll be great!!” Louis looks at Harry again and he can breathe. _Thank you._

“Blue. They’re blue.”

“What’s blue?”

“Your eyes, silly. They’re incredibly blue…and brilliant and really intriguing...Fuck I didn’t mean-” _Shut up!_

“No, no it’s okay. I like your eyes too.” Louis compliments.

“Cool.” No one has ever complimented his eyes before. It's a first.

_Nice ass._

_Wrap those legs around me._

_I want to trail my tongue down your stomach._

He tugs at his hair in aggravation.

“Why do you do that?” Louis asks. “It looks painful.”

“Do what?”

“Pull your hair? Don’t…you’ll go bald faster.” The boy smirks. “Because you’re _such an old man_.”

“I am NOT old. And I am not going bald.”

“Don’t be so positive about that…I know a receding hairline when I see one.”

“Seriously?! You should have seen my hair in college. It was past my shoulders.”

“And? Where’d it go?”

“Had to cut it for work. Maybe once I have a few more years on I’ll grow it.”

“Mmmhmm…I’d like to see a photo.”

“I don’t have any at the condo and I am most certainly not going to my mom’s to get one.” He rushes out.

“Alright calm down there, chief.”

“Sorry I just hate talking about her.”

_Die._

_Die._

_DIE._

He shudders.

“It’s okay. I'm not asking for specifics.” Louis is still trying to touch the sand. “I don’t get it…my butt can touch it…but my finger can’t…”

“Maybe if you concentrated harder?”

“Alright…let me…” He points his index finger towards the sand and waits. “Any day now.” Harry takes this opportunity to watch, to focus, to memorize, to...dream. _His jaw could cut-glass_ . _And that mouth? What I’d give to have it wrapped around my-_ “Damn! I can’t do it!”

“Huh?” He's shaken from his horrid thoughts about _a boy_. “Oh! It was your first try. Don’t give up yet.”

“I know…it’s annoying. I want to be able to feel the grains on my fingertip. Or feel the air brush my cheeks or the softness of your hair…AAAHHH okay sorry.” Louis stands abruptly as Harry remains paralyzed in place. “It’s almost dark. Gotta head home!” He starts to walk away.

“Wait!” Harry follows close behind.

“I didn’t mean to say that. It’s just that you _do_ have very nice hair and it’s really not a surprise you get so much attention!”

“So you think I’m handsome.” Harry is going to have fun with this one.

“I didn’t _say_ handsome!”

“But that’s what you’re implying by saying I have soft hair and get a lot of attention.”

“Uh…well what I am trying to say is-” The boy is obviously flustered. “You see…there are some people who have... _the_ _look_ you know?” They continue to walk towards home.

“Yeah?” He goes along with the kid. “What look is that?”

“Let me finish!” Louis wrings his hands, turns away. “And then there are other people who you know, only have _a look_ and those two are totally on the opposite sides of the spectrum.”

“How so?” He stifles a laugh. “The look and a look? What's the difference?”

“What's the difference!? There's a _huge_ difference!” Louis gestures with his hands. “There's instant attraction and then developed attraction.” His chest tightens.

“Oh?” He's losing his bravado. _How are my eyes?_

“Yeah. _A look_ is shallow, superficial, diminishes with age. _The look_ is what matters. It's what is on the inside.” Harry stops walking. “And you-...what's wrong?”

“What are you saying?” This kid's banter is confusing him, killing his ego if he ever had one to begin with.

“You're more than your appearance, chief. You have a lot to share.” He shifts his weight. “People notice it, find your potential, look past the face and soft hair. They understand.” Louis looks him square in the eye. “They see you.”

.

.

.

.

_“Honey, I'm home!” I hear Harry._

_“Oh shove it with the pet name crap.” I'm watching Wheel of Fortune. “Oh!!! Bankrupt!! Too bad.”_

_“How was your day?” He sits next to me, rubs at his eyes._

_“Meh. It was okay I suppose. I can't change the channel so I've been watching soap operas all afternoon.” I look over at him and his eyes are glazed over. “Guess you had a difficult shift?”_

_“Yeah. I had a patient die and uh...sucks.” He tugs his hair._  

_“From what?” He sighs._

_“Car accident.”_

_“That sounds terrible.” I disregard the show. “What-”_

_“Some drunken fuck hit her. She was killed instantly and the driver...well he just bumped his head.” He seethes. “She was walking home from her job and...and…” He covers his face, remains silent, sniffles once...twice._

_“Chief?”_

_“Want coffee?” He stands up and heads to the kitchen._

_“I can't...I don't-”_

_“Sorry. I forgot.” He turns the pot on. “I forget you're... you're not…”_

_“Human?” I sulk._

_“I guess so.” He yawns. “I don't know anymore.” He drops his head in his hands. “Ya know what? I'm just turning in. I need to sleep this off.” He frowns._

_“I'm here to listen if need be.” I approach him._

_“I know. Thanks.” He rubs his eyes again. “Do you want me to change the channel before I go to bed?”_

_“Um...this is fine. I don't remember what I liked anyway.”_

_“Okay.” He says. “Oh and I texted the agent. Hopefully he'll get back to me soon.”_

_“Sure.” I nod._

_“G'night, Lou.”_

_“Night.” I watch him retreat down the hall._

_._

_._

_._

_._

_A little while later I hear shouting coming from his...my room._

_“Harry?” But he's alone...why is there-_

_Another shout!_

_“What's wrong!?” I run down the hallway and stop at the door…._ silence _. There's nothing now. “That's weird...maybe it was next door?” I hear him groan, sigh, and...snore. “Okay…?”_

_._

_._

_._

_._

He's watching the coffee machine drip.

“What's on the agenda for today?” Louis says from behind him.

“Um…”

“Besides watching coffee drip because it's seriously worse than watching paint dry. Trust me. It's awful.”

“How do you know?” He snorts.

“The neighbor. They were painting yesterday.”

“You went into your neighbor's condo!?” He turns around and the kid is there all bright eyed and adorable. _As a kid. He's... he's cute._ “What if they were screwing around?”

“Harry. I live with _you_ remember? Mr. Curly Haired Asshole? Mr. I whine so loud the people in the next building could hear me? Mr. Tie me up and fuck me-”

“Okay…. _okay_!! I get it.” He smirks. “So good you explored and didn't explode into pixie dust!” The coffee pot beeps.

“Well yeah but I got a little confused.” The kid's tone is grim.

“How so?” He prepares his drink. “Why did you get confused?”

“I...I don't...I don't know.” The sadness is there. “I guess when I'm not being...guided I get flustered...I lose my clarity.” Harry turns towards him, leans over the counter, reaches out only to- _I want to touch you._ Louis’ eyes are downcast.

“It's okay. It was your first time by yourself. You'll manage. You'll see. Don't give up okay?”

“I feel like…” Louis sniffles.

“Are you crying? Please don't. It was your first time! Don't-”

“...Like when I'm outside the walls of the condo or when... when I'm not with you I don't exist.” He stands up straight, feels sweat form on his brow.

“How-” His phone rings then. “Hold that thought…Hello?” He answers, continues to stare at Louis.

“Hi sweet cheeks. Cancel all of your plans for tonight because I am taking you out.”

“...you are?” His stomach clenches. _Lou just dropped a bombshell and now im leaving him? What do I-_

“Hello?”

“Yeah sure. Where are we going?” He blurts.

“It’s a surprise.” _Fuck!!_

“I hate surprises.” He groans.

“Dress sexy.” He rolls his eyes.

“Now I really hate surprises.”

“That’s an order…bye.” An order? _I don’t want to roll play all night or pretend to be his bitch…it’s exhausting._

“Who was that?” _I wish…_

“Nick wants to take me out tonight.” _I could take you out… but for dinner or a movie...or maybe to a fancy lounge. Or maybe...just for a walk. No sex. No games. Nothing past kissing and gentle fondling._

“Oh…I see.” _That would be...that's what I want._

“Yeah…” _With you._ “Since you know you can leave the condo maybe you can venture out again.

“No.” Louis shakes his head. “No I'm too afraid.”

“It was your first try. You're seriously going to give up already? What happened to trying, huh?”

“It's not that...Oh…I get it. You want the place to yourself so you and that guy can… _you know.”_ Louis waggles his eyebrows.

“You’ve witnessed too much already so what difference would it make? Plus I am not in the mood for that right now.” He admits. _I'm not. You make me...feel normal._

“Yeah _right now…_ the way I see it is, that man makes you turn into a puddle of mush.”

“What…?” Harry snorts. “I’m not getting into that with a kid.”

“Look man, I am no child. If you wanted to know I am _not_ a virgin either…I REMEMBERED SOMETHING ELSE!!!” Louis begins fist pumping and dancing in a circle.

“Yeah the most important detail, huh? You’re not a virgin. Good for you, Lou.” He chuckles.

“Duuuuude…that’s HUGE _._ Thank god you know? That would suck.”

“I suppose. Innocence is bliss if you ask me.” He says.

.

.

.

Harry is sifting through the closet trying to pick out the _right_ blouse. Nick said to dress sexy, whatever the fuck that is. Does he mean…like formal sexy or barely there sexy?

“Which one?” He holds out two shirts towards an uninterested Louis.

“Floral? Like really Chief?”

“What, you don’t like it?” He frowns.

“It’s not sexy.” The boy makes air quotes with his dainty fingers. He stands up and heads to the closet. “I've got the perfect one.” He eyes each garment and lands on a silky black number. “This one.” He points.

“What one?” Harry walks over to inspect. “Oh…yeah I forgot about this.” He pulls the shirt off the hanger. “How did you find it so quickly?”

“I had a head start.” Louis grins.

“You did? When?”

“I was looking for my stuff and I remember seeing this and thinking... thinking...I…” Louis blushes. “Never mind.” He turns away. “Is that a…green dragon?”

“Yeah…This is perfect though. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome…hopefully _Nick_ thinks it’s sexy enough.” He heads back to the bed. “When is the man of the hour getting here?”

“He said…” There’s a knock at the door. “Oh crap. Is that him?” Harry looks at the time. “Eight on the dot. Fuck.” _I guess the guard knows him now...ew._ He answers the door and sure enough...

“Okay, that’s not what I had in mind.” Nick looks ridiculously good. His hair is perfect…clothing…on point.

“Hi to you too.” Harry lets him in.

“Hi.” Nick kisses his lips. “Please tell me you’re not going out like that?”

“I’m not…sorry I got distracted. Let me shower quick and I’ll be out in a few.”

“Mind if I join you?”

“In…the shower? No you shit. You’ll wanna suck me off or something. We’re already late.”

“Well you’re making us _later_ might as well take advantage.”

“Whatever. Watch T.V. or something. I'll be done soon.” Harry walks back to the bedroom and closes the door behind him.

Louis is still on the bed dangling his feet over the mattress.

“Want to be _alone_?” The boy asks. “I know I’m probably adorable but you can’t touch this.” He points to himself.

“Ha you’re cute.”

“Am I?! You said I wasn't!!”

“I was being a Curly Haired Asshole remember?”

“Yes...yes you still are too.”

“Possibly. But not really towards you.” He admits.

“Slow down there chief. Don't get ahead of yourself.” He chuckles.

“Okay. As long as I'm headed in the right direction.”

“You are. I think.”

“Good.” He nods. “Alright, I need to shower…so like…go outside or something.”

“I’ve already seen you naked...more times than I've seen you dressed. Who cares?”

“I _know_ but it's weird just stripping right here with you watching.”

“Dude! Come on. I've _seen_ your bare ass, unfortunately watched you get slapped and screwed. Nothing surprises me anymore.” His cheeks redden.

“Um…”

“And let me tell you, you make the most interesting noises I’ve EVER heard.” He starts to mock Harry. “OOOOooOoooo that feels SOOO gooooood. oOooOoOoOOOOO... _fuck me harder!!_ ”

“At least I’m getting some!” He watches Louis pucker his lips and wrap his hands around himself to mimic a hug. “I’ll be sure to get fucked on every surface of this condo so you’ll remember seeing my _bare_ ass everytime you see it.” He winks and heads into the en suite.

“As long as you Windex it afterwards!!” He chuckles and closes the door.

_Ha! Silly kid…_

_But seriously._

_Don't forget about me._

That's sort of a plea.

A little while later Harry is ready and kicking himself for agreeing to going out.

He took his time, washed his hair, curled it, filed his nails and painted them a shiny black, ironed the blouse, polished his boots...and _ugh_ _now Nick will believe I did this for him._

He should have waited, played a game of solitaire, made the bed, folded his laundry... done _anything_ besides look even more insane than he already does!

_I'm such an asshole._

“I'm ready.” He announces when he finally decides to leave his room. He's insecure, too _prett_ y, too uncomfortable and it's-

Louis finds him first, takes him in from head to toe, gapes at the insanity before him. But it's not in a degrading manner or lecherous. It's more of astonishment. _I know Lou...I look ridiculous. The painted nails were the tipping point I think._

“Wow.”

“That's more like it.” Nick approaches from the kitchen, cups his ass, and kisses his lips. “And these jeans…” _His date_ inspects the denim, hums his appreciation.

“I hope they meet your expectations.” Harry mumbles shamefully.

“They do. You look fucking incredible. I mean the shirt is outrageous but you're a masterpiece.”

“You've said that before.” He's bored of the compliments and pushes out of the embrace. _How are my eyes?_ He finds Louis seated on the couch with his mouth open.

“It's true. You're the hottest guy-”

“Go get the car.” His tone is faraway, uninterested. “I’ll meet you out front.” He is fixated on the kid.

“Oh sure.” Nick slaps his ass and hastily leaves the apartment.

“Prick.” He adjusts his shirt, curses underneath his breath, flips him off for added affect. “Hey.” He approaches Louis then, sits next to him on the couch.

“Hi.” Louis waves.

“You’re catching flies.” He points out.

“What?” The kid is transfixed, speechless.

“Your mouth is wide open. Are you alright?” He smirks, reaches a hand out. _Touch...touch._

“Ummm…” He eyes Harry a moment. “Yeah. You look great. You missed a few buttons but it looks good and the green dragon really makes your eyes pop.” He practically melts.

“Thanks…for not you know…” He shrugs. _Noticing my ass._ “I... should...I won’t be gone long.” He confirms.

“It’s okay you know. You’re allowed to stay out.”

“I know but…I sort of don’t want to…” Harry reluctantly stands and heads to the door.

“Why?”

“I hate surprises.” _And being someone's bitch._ He grabs his keys, wallet, and phone and shoves them into his jeans’ pocket. _I don’t want to go…I want to be with you._

“You must have hated your birthday then.” His breath hitches. _I never celebrated_.

“Mmm…” He mumbles.

“Question.” Louis runs to his side.

“Yeah?”

“Where do you put your balls?” He points to Harry’s crotch.

“Jesus Christ…See you later.” He huffs and leaves the condo. _Kid probably never heard of tucking._

He's fucked.

.

.

.

.

The night is terrible.

Nick brought Harry to a gay club downtown and it’s grungy, filled with unsavory patrons, and this isn't... 

“I don’t want to go in there.” They’re outside valeting Nick’s Maserati. _I don't want this._

“Why not?” He places his hand at the small of Harry’s back, leads him inside.

“I wanted to go for dinner or see a movie…Not go to some club. I hate dancing.”

“Or _can’t_ dance?” His date corrects.

“Both. I’d rather not embarrass myself.” They walk in and the music is just…too loud. Harry covers his ears instantly. “I’m DONE!” He yells and walks back out onto the street. _Is this why he wanted me ‘sexy’? To shake my ass for him?_ _What the fuck is that?!_

“Don’t be like that!”

“Be like what? What do you want me to do in there, huh?”

“Um…dance with me? Have a few drinks…have fun?”

“That’s not fun!”

“Then what is fun? Getting fucked every which way?”

“I also like going for walks and fine-dining.”

“No way, we’re doing what I want to do tonight.” Nick takes Harry’s hand and forces him back inside. _I hate my life right now_ …

.

.

.

.

_I followed them._

_Of course I followed them!!! How could I not? I have to keep watch on Harry and make sure Nick doesn’t do anything stupid. I mean, he brought them here, to some gross looking club, and really? This is how he TREATS my roomie?_

_I walk right past the bouncer and spot the two of them at the bar. I have to stick to the larger groups of people just in case because after all, Harry can see me (and he keeps me focused. Reminds me I'm not lost or confused.). Any who, they're now taking shots...three each to be precise and...what's Nick doing!? He's leaning all over Harry, grabbing his ass, running his hands up and down the front of his legs... pulling him close... kissing him... touching... kissing... groping._ Oh… _I turn away in disgust._ That's not what I would do…I'd be more gentle. Maybe offer a peck on the lips, a hand squeeze, or a hug...yeah…

_But who cares about me right? I'm just a ghost._

_Whatever._

_The music is blaring in my ears, the sub woofer is pulsating in my skull, the hoards of_ bodies _is overwhelming! It's awful and so distracting...ugh!_ Get me out of here!! _And Harry looks fucking miserable too. He may be... playing the part but this isn't his scene. Absolutely not. He's nothing like the man Nick wants him to be._

Nothing.

But he's everything I-

 _Suddenly Nick drags an unwilling Harry to the dance floor and disappears from view._ Uh oh… _I sneak around this couple who are playing a very intense game of tonsil hockey and search for a clear, yet concealed, location to inspect._ Where are you ..where are...Oh! There...

 _Harry looks displaced as he attempts to move his hips and arms in sync to the beat. It’s actually funny to watch and I can’t help but laugh at him flail around. He can be so cool sometimes, so put together…but right now his awkwardness is making me hysterical._ You dope! At least try!

 _Nick harshly grabs him from behind then, grinds right into him,_ touches _him inappropriately. He is feeling every inch of Harry’s abdomen and upper thighs, pressing them flush against one another to guide and instruct, acting in a too sexual manner._ That’s far too intimate for a place like this…no? Like don't you do that at home? _Harry tries to pull away but Nick’s hold is too strong._

_“What the fuck!” I can easily read the look of discomfort on my roomie's face and all I want to do is punch Gross Guy in the face! “You asshole... don't-”_

_An idea pops in my head then._

_I make my way over to them, crawl through legs, sneak behind groups of bodies._ I feel like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible!! _I start to hum the movie's theme song, twirl around unsuspecting men, move in stealth mode!_

_“Ah!! I should be a Ninja!” I continue to make my way over. "Dun...uh!! Dun-na-na...dun dun dun-uh!" I sing. "I'm coming for you Gross Guy. I'm warming up my fingers!!"_

_I creep my way towards Nick and stand directly behind him._ He felt my hand go through him at my place, maybe I can do it again! _So_ _I start to graze his shoulders as a form of distraction, trail my fingers over his biceps, make him SQUIRM! It's instant too, Gross Guy starts to jerk them uncontrollably and GOD is it funny!!_ He looks like he is doing the hokey pokey! _I do it again just to piss him off and for my own personal amusement._

_“What the fuck!” He turns around, stares right through me, and faces forward again._

_“What’s wrong?” I hear my roomie ask._

_“Nothing, I think someone hit me or something…now here follow my hips. See? It’s not so bad.”_

_“I’m awful at this.” They’re practically screaming over the music._ This will NOT do. _I start to tickle Nick's lower back and arms._ Let him go...let him GO!!!

 _“AH! Who is doing that?!” Nick turns around again and I can see the back of my friend’s head._ Crap, close call! _I duck away and stand behind a group of people to continue my observation and see if my plan worked._

_“That did absolutely nothing. Good job.” I groan. “If anything it's worse now!” Harry's still lost, still stumbling about, still wearing a scowl on his face. "Fucking Nick...I swear I'll get him next time." I grunt._

_So I continue to watch and observe, take in the men dancing, and disregard the blaring music._

_"When will it end...?" I look at my roomie and... "Oh..." I shudder._

_Harry looks to be more relaxed from the alcohol and really letting himself go. Oh, well who knew he had such skill…those hips can certainly gyrate and move expertly with the music._ He looks…good, maybe too good. _I think other people are starting to notice him too!_ Is he pretending there is a pole in front of him?! _I thought he hated it? So why on earth is he acting like a ten cent hooker?!_

_They're facing each other now, grinding some more, touching inappropriately, and moving with the music. Harry's hands are cupping Gross Guy's ass to pull him closer, he's making these weird kissy faces with this lips and batting his eyes as if he has something stuck in them. It's ridiculous and such a turn off_

_“Harry...come on man…” I feel deflated. “This isn't... is this you? Is that the man behind the closed bedroom door?” I sigh. “Who have I been spending my days with then? Is that what you're like with friends?” My shoulders slump. “Damn.” I turn away in defeat. “I thought you were someone else.” But I guess I was wrong. I walk towards the entrance, take one last look over at them and they're... kissing, making_ out _, playing a really intense game of tonsil hockey. “Ugh…” I leave the gross club having no interest in their antics anymore. “Guess Harry doesn't need my help.” He can make_ friends _just fine without my useless advice I'm sure._

_My chest starts to tighten, my hands are sweating, my...my heart is beating uncontrollably in my chest and it's...what is this? What am I feeling? Why is every sensation foreign to me? Was I never human to begin with? Am I just a lost spirit? Why is my stomach twisting and turning?_

_I think of the way Harry looked at Nick, remember his body language when they kissed, focus on the way his hands cupped Gross Guy's cheeks, and moaned against his lips. It was…_

_I rub at my arms as if I could feel a chill._

It was...I wish...I wanted-

_I shake my head._

_I dismiss Harry, the weird feelings racing through my body, and the world around me. It's no use thinking about it further because I'll only feel stupid in the end._ It is stupid.

_I head to the car to wait…to wait in the trunk and pray for this damn night to be over…to wait for my turn to come…_

_Wait to be human again._

_._

_._

_._

_._

They’re at Nick’s place making out in the kitchen because Louis is at home waiting for him.

There.

He admits it.

He admits that he will be incapable of focusing with Louis in the other room overhearing his outrageous noises and masked anguish. And he _must_ remain in the moment, lose himself in the pain, replace the memories he had with something pleasurable. _I have to! I need...I need it_ . _Even if it's temporary._

Anything will do. Any reprieve.

So he latches onto Nick, pulls him closer, ravishes the man with his fingers and allows the alcohol to take the reigns. He pulls them towards the bedroom, kisses...and sucks...and thrust himself into the man...begs with his touches.

And pleads.

And pushes!

“I need to get you drunk more often.” They hit the bed.

“And have me dance like a stripper.” He slurs against his date's mouth. “You _like_ seeing me loose and wanton...and fucking sloppy.” He smashes their mouths together, bites Nick's bottom lip. “You...you like to see me...like this.” He pulls Nick on top of him, drops his arms back on the mattress, eyes the man through his lashes. “Admit it.”

“I do, especially tied up.”

“So do it. Play with me.” He licks his lips. “Make me beg for it.”

“Fuck…I'm going to bust a nut right here.” He unbottons Harry's shirt and jeans, strips the man within seconds. “Raise your arms.” Harry watches him rummage through the nightstand.

“Yes...yes please.” Harry implores, pulses his hips in anticipation. “Please...subdue me. Bound me.” He whines. “Make...make me forget.” _Oh! Fuck._

“Forget what?” Nick has the cuffs in his hand.

_Little shit._

_You broke my bottle!_

_I hate you._

“My horrendous dancing skills.” He manages, forces a giggle.

“The entire club was watching you, sweet cheeks. You're not as awful as you think.” He's bound to the headboard. _Yes...fuck...yes...forget...escape...find the way out!_

“I have two left feet.” He watches Nick strip. “Go slower.” He demands.

“Who's in charge here?” Nick throws the clothing to the ground, hops onto the bed and sits astride his legs.

“Me.” He deadpans. “I'm in charge and if I say...the _safety word_ you have to _stop_ !” He pulls on the cuffs, winces when the metal grazes his self inflicted wound. _Make me forget. Make me forget. Please. Just...just do something_.

“What's that then?” His date rubs his thumb along Harry's bottom lip, rocks his hips.

“Chief.”

“Uh...that's interesting.”

“Don't _forget_ it.” He's serious. “Don't.”

“Alright. Alright. I won't.” Nick leans over, captures his lips, presses him further into the mattress. He whines in response, relaxes his limbs, and allows the man to take over.

.

.

.

.

 _“My heart, your heart sit tight like book ends, pages between us written with no end…” I'm sitting on the sidewalk across from Gross Guy's apartment waiting, feeling my mind glaze over. “Don’t wanna wait til it's gone. You make me strong.” And waiting and...the coherency is...slowly- “Cause when I'm not with you I'm weaker. Is that so wrong?” And waiting some more._  I'm losing touch. _“So baby hold onto my heart.” A car speeds by, a horn blares, a person shouts. “I’m sorry if I say I need you, I don't care I'm not scared of love.” Another car. “Is it so wrong? That you make me strong?” I puff out my cheeks, twiddle my thumbs. “Alright...so…” I look up towards the luxury building, ignore the wooziness in my stomach. “So um…” I find one window in particular with the light on._ It's there. He's there. "My _building is prettier.” I sigh._

But he's…

He's the prettiest.

_“I'm sorry if I say I need you. I don't care I'm not scared of love. But when I'm not with you I'm weaker. Is it so wrong? Is it so wrong ...that you make me strong.”_

.

.

.

.

The stinging between his legs is incredible, purposeful, and a fucking God send. It's clouding his judgement, concealing the memories he has buried deep within himself, scrubbing at the stains he is unable to reach. _Cleanse my mind...wash away her unbridled rage... please!_ This is what he needed...this is what a civil conversation cannot... provide him. He needs the _action_ to distract his thoughts, the touches to reassure him, the connection to share his misery with even though his partner isn't aware.

 _You're more important than...I'm willing to ever admit_.

“H-harder!” He pants. “G-go...go harder!”  He can't contain his desire or his need _or_ his cries! In fact he can't even think! He's releasing it all, whining aloud, pulling at the cuffs circling his wrists the further his partner pushes into him. He has to see stars, he has to feel the desire consume him whole.

“F-fuck...I-” His date is driving their hips forward, knocking their thighs together, penetrating... _deeper and…“God_ you're insatiable!” Nick grips his legs, hooks them over his shoulders, and continues his movements.

“Oh!! Oh that's…” _So deep!!_ He cinches his eyes shut but he's smacked across the face and startled into full alertness.

“Don’t you dare close your eyes!” His partner grunts from above him. “I want you to watch me fucking into you. Watch me penetrate this tight ass of yours. Watch me pleasure the living shit out of you.” The man growls into the small space separating them.

He grips the headboard and watches Nick move against him. _This isn't right though_. Harry's staring at this man, watching the sweat drip down his cheek and the veins protruding from his temple, feels the pressure between his legs build...and build...and inch further towards his orgasm. He can taste it. He can feel the ecstacy burning in his gut, he is waiting for the explosion!

But he's losing focus anyway.

There's something pulling him away, something sobering him quicker than he intended. _I'm not_ \- He doesn't feel the alcohol anymore. He doesn't feel much of anything. _Stare. Watch Nick. Watch his cock plunging into your ass. Watch... watch... watch!!_

_Don't let her win. Don't...you can't! It'll... it'll be bad. It'll be the worst! I'll never... I'll never find my way out!_

What's his option after this? What will he do!? How will he manage!? _Cutting? But no!!_

Another spank comes unexpectedly.

This time he feels it at the junction of his thighs. _Okay that I felt._

“F-fuck!! Fuck fuck!” He stutters as the pleasure-pain radiates in his core. “God...yes... please-” He deliberately closes his eyes, awaits the hand that'll be his savior, willingly urges Nick to use his strength and dominance to redirect his _fucking_ brain. _Feel. Feel...come on!_

The palm hits him on his crotch and he knows…

_This won't save me anymore._

This ignorant way of overcoming his past is losing it's effectiveness and potency. It worked for a time, it was what he believed would maintain his composure when in public and when facing a difficult challenge. But it's not. The hand spanking him into submission is not the answer. _None of this is_. His screams, his horniness, his need to be controlled and manhandled…

No...no it won't.

_I need someone pure._

_Someone who isn't tainted._

_Someone real._

_Someone with a heart._

_Someone who is able to listen and...not be judgemental._

He tries to refocus on Nick, feels the stinging from both the slapping and the cock buried in his ass, remembers just how normal he felt when he was...when he was with-

 _Louis_.

He can't help it then.

The boy is there.

Harry is immersed in the scent he's memorized, he's watching these beautiful blue eyes crinkle as the boy smiles, he's longing...no, craving to touch that unblemished skin, to...to kiss those lips and ravish...and...and-

“Oh _fuck_ .” He's back on the bed with his hands bound above him. _I want to speak to you. Get to know you. Understand you._ “God...I...I can't-” He's further along then he expected, so _close_ ! “ _Nick!!”_ He shouts, thrusts his hips forward, whimpers at the flurrying in his stomach. “Oh _fuck...fuck.._.don't stop!!” He shouts at the man.

“I _won't_!” Nick's sweating profusely, working himself to exhaustion, fucking into him and he's seeing the universe. He's been unveiled, he's been set free... he's-

“God!!” He releases onto his tummy and chest, falls back onto the sweated sheets without a care, settles down from the high. _Louis. This is...you did this._

“You’re a fucking masterpiece!” Nick growls. “Fucking... beautiful.” His partner is pounding into his unprepared ass in search of his own release and it's so unappealing. He's grossed out actually, turned off... And fuck those compliments. That certainly won't win him over. _“Ah_ !!!” The man climaxes directly into him, utters nonsensical words, groans and grunts and huffs and puffs. _Ew_. He leans over and braces himself on his hands, stares directly into Harry's eyes.

 _Ew_.

“That was... marvelous.” He purrs.

“Uhm…” Harry tugs at the binds. “Yeah…” He shakes his head, avoids Nick's eyes. “Yup.”

“Ah yeah...I could get used to this.” The man nuzzles his neck, kisses his sweated skin. He squirms at the contact.

“What are you doing?” He snaps. “Get used to what? We've been fucking for months. This is how it _always_ ends and please wear a fucking condom!” He shies away from Nick.

“Well I want us to be closer.”

“I'd say that's pretty fucking close.” He pushes his hips up. “Take these off now. My wrists are sore.”

“I want to be closer.” Nick doesn't budge. “I want you to stay over.” He freezes. _They never stay over._ _I never stay over!_ “I want to wake up next to you.”

“Uhm...what?” He bites his tongue.

“I want to wake up next to you!” Nick repeats.

“What does this have to do with a condom?” He pushes his hips up again. “Take these off and pull out! I'm sore.”

“I want you to be my boyfriend.” His brain shuts down at the statement. “I want to be exclusively dating you. I want to be with _you_.”

“Yeah that's…” Never going to happen. “Nick just-”

“Say something!”

“No.” He deadpans.

“No!?”

“Yes, it's probably the most popular word in the English dictionary. Ever hear of it?”

“God, you're such a douche.” The man slips out without a care, unlocks the cuffs.

“Actually I'm more of an asshole.” He rubs at his sore wrists, notes a hint of blood on the bandage. _I'll need Zayn to re-stitch it. Yes!!_

“Why no!? I thought we-”

“No! No, Nick. There's no _we_ , there was never an _us_ or any sort of future, okay!? This was only meant to be-”

“To be what? Two adults fucking? Friend's with benefits? A damn game!?” Nick points to himself. “I was taking this seriously, I thought we were going someplace! And you-” The man points towards him and he nearly loses it.

“Don't _fucking_ point at me!” He shouts.

“You are such an inconsiderate piece of _shit_! How could you toy with my emotions like this!?”

“I wasn't _toying_ with anything! I was living my life while you were living yours! How does-”

“I was falling for you! I _like_ you damnit.” Nick pulls on a pair of sweat pants. He shudders.

“No you don't. You like my appearance, you like my brazenness, you like me _begging_ and carrying on like some whiney bitch.” He shoves his arms into his wrinkled blouse. “You don't _know me_.” He snaps.

“No one does. You're an enigma, you're an unsolvable puzzle… a fucking train wreck underneath all of those curls and plastic smile!”

“Exactly!!! And I want to keep it that way!” He pulls up his pants, curses himself for considering high waist jeans. “I have to go.” _I need to leave...I can't be here_.

“But I wanted to talk-”

“No! No talking. No nothing unless it involves-” He chokes. _It's not what I need_ . “-uncontrolled...sex then...then I _don't want it_.” He clarifies and rushes from the bedroom.

“So that's it then? You're just going to leave? Not even consider a relationship?”

“I was never looking for one!” He seethes. “Where's my shit!?” He stomps around the apartment in search of his wallet, keys, boots... everything!

“God you're so much better drunk.” Nick comments and he's seeing double.

“And I like you better with my cock shoved down your throat.” He tugs his boots on.

“Wow...that's great Harry, really. You are able to hold a civilized conversation, that's just such an accomplishment.” _I am!! Just not with a stupid twat like you!!_ He ignores the sarcasm, shoves his shit into his pockets. “Good so go then. Go be a filthy slut. Go whore yourself around town. Shake that ass of yours. I'm sure you'll get the attention you deserve!” Harry rounds on the man, despises that Nick managed to hit a chord, tries his absolute best to conceal the hurt.

“Just because I didn't choose you doesn't make me a _slut_ and for your information, you brought me to that disgusting club to do just that. To be _your whore_ . I was just playing the part you _orchestrated_.” He leaves in a hurry without another word.

.

.

.

.

He reaches the condo and swipes away the last tear. He shed enough on the walk home, sobbed uncontrollably into his hands when necessary, probably sounded like a blubbering idiot but he can't help it.

Nick was getting too close, he was becoming attached, he was... looking to pry away Harry's well placed facade and no!! Just _no!_ It wasn't meant to be that man or anyone for that matter. Harry will deal, he'll find another outlet, he'll manage... he'll-

“Louis?” He says when he walks through the door. “Lou?” He searches every room. “Where are you?” He starts to panic because the boy is not here. _Oh God._ “LOU!” _Not now…please I need you! I think...I think you're-_

“I’m right here, chief!” Harry turns around towards the voice and sighs the moment he's in view.

“Sorry…I just…thought you disappeared again.” He's tugging at his hair.

“Nope. Not today.” The boy eyes him wearily. “Are you okay?”

“Uh…” He turns away from him and heads to the bedroom to destroy his clothes and more so his underwear that is now caked with Nick’s cum. _Ew_.

“Wait what happened!”

“He wanted me to stay over and I said no.” He shortens the _entire_ conversation into the one truth he is able to handle.

“Huh? Why? Aren’t you like…official or something?”

“He thought so…I didn’t. Never thought we were. Never even  entertained the idea.” He unbuttons his shirt and throws it to the ground.

“Wait why? And don’t wrinkle that! You look nice in it.” _I what?_ Louis puts his hands on his hips. “I thought you two-”

“NO. He was just meant to be-”

“A fuck buddy. That’s right.” He nods his head.

“Ugh... it's such a harsh reality.”

“Okay, how does friend with benefits sound?”

“Even worse but what can I say? It's the truth.” Harry unclasps the buttons on his jeans and kicks off his boots. “Uh, do you mind?”

“Mind? Nope not at all.” The boy is sitting on the bed fiddling with his fingers. “I wonder where these callouses came from…”

“Louis, I have to change.”

“Okay, go for it.” He rolls his eyes.

“This isn’t a peep show! Do you mind?”

“Harry we've had this conversation already. Just take it off.” Louis gestures towards him.

“Well I still need privacy.” He grabs a fresh pair of boxers and heads to the bathroom. _The audacity of the kid…_ He brushes his teeth and washes his face to rid himself of Nick and his pungent smell. _He_ _had a small dick, no personality, and an ugly hairdo, and just…_ “Gross.” He spits in the sink. “Ugh...and I bedded the guy how many times?” He emerges from the bathroom and Louis is there waiting. “What?”

“You didn’t stay.” His voice is glum.

“I never stay.”

“You should have stayed.”

“Again, I never do.”

“If you want to be in a relationship…or something similar to one, like a _friendship_ , you have to do things _you don’t like_ to do once in a while.”

“What if I don’t _want_ to be in a relationship? What if I _like_ what I’m doing?” He runs a hand through his hair and takes a deep, steadying breath. _I have to...find a way to breathe._

“But, Harry-”

“No buts! We will not discuss Nick or the conversation of _staying over_ again.” He is at the foot of the bed by Louis’ bare toes. “Scram, kid. I wanna sleep.”

“So are you kicking _me out_?”

“Yeah as a matter of fact I am.”

“Well tough shit. I’m staying right here. You can’t move me!”

“You are…”

“Handsome? I KNOW!”

“Actually you have no idea what you look like so no…I was going to say a nuisance.” Harry pulls the covers back and lies down in the crisp sheets. “God that feels so good.”

“OoOOOoooOoOoOo that feels SOOOO gooooooood.” Louis scrunches his face, contorts his lips.

“I don’t look like that.”

“UH yah you do.”

“And I most certainly do not sound like that!”

“Dude, keep DREAMING.”

“I will…once I fall asleep.” He sighs into the pillow, catches Louis’ scent. “I can smell you.” He admits.

“Oh lovely.”

“No really. That’s how I know you’re near.” He closes his eyes.

“You can?”

“Yeah…it relaxes me.” _And do I feel relaxed._

“Oh...really?”

“Yeah...you can never sneak...up on me because I'll know.”

“When I'm close.”

.

.

.

.

_Harry practically ran from Nick's apartment that night with tears in his eyes. I wanted to call out to him, reach out to him, comfort him, slap him silly for dancing like a damned fool! But there was something seriously wrong. Something happened to him to cause such an ache._

_Even now watching him sleep...I know...I know he is hurting, struggling with an inner demon, having difficulty dealing with whatever it could be._

_It's evident he's falling apart._

I'll hold you together though.

I promise.

_I'm watching him sleep fitfully, am staring at his pink lips, following the outline of his mouth, appreciating every curve and dip and ugh...it's bad this time. I'm just staring at them, allowing myself the opportunity to... watch and fantasize of touching them with my finger, testing out their skill and strength, pretending and…_

I don't want to pretend though..I want to...I-

“Harry? Harry…” I bite my lip. “Harry?”

_I settle against the wall and stare at him, take in his perfection, pretend I am lying next to him in the confines of his warmth, touching him, rubbing circles on his back._

_“I could take your pain away.” I look away, stare at my linked fingers. “I'm honest. I could. I could really-”_

_“Mommy?”_

_“Well, no I'm not your mother...thank God because that would be disgusting.”_

_“Mommy…mommy wait!!”_

_“Harry?” I crawl up the bed and sit next to him. His chest is heaving, his lips are parting and closing...parting...and closing as if he's trapped on a word._

_“I...I...I didn't do it!” He sobs. “Don't leave me in here!!”_

_“Harry, wake up!”_

_“M-mommy.” His cheeks are wet with tears. “M-mommy it wasn’t my fault!”_

_“What wasn’t?” I ask in confusion._

_“P-please…don’t hurt me.” He flails his arms out._

_“Hurt you? I would never. I mean sometimes you piss me off-”_

_“PLEASE don’t!!” He covers his head, turns away from me._

_“Mommy please I beg you. Don’t hurt me.” He starts to sob into the pillow. “Don't lock the door!”_

_“Harry! It's okay! It's fine...you're fine!!”_

_“Leave me alone…You…you can’t…please!”_

_“Harry wake up!! Come on!!”_

_“MOM!!!” He screams out, cries harder into the bedding, sobs uncontrollably. “Mom...Mom how... Mom…M-Mom...I...I…” He rolls onto his back, visibly relaxes, recovers, sobers, snores._

_“What the fuck…” I sit back in disbelief, scratch at my head. “Why…”_

_“Wh-what are you doing?” I gaze over at him and his brow his sweated._

_“Look, I may be a ghost but I still get itchy occasionally.” I drop my hand. “Who would have thought the other side had dust!” I force a smile, keep it together for his sake because he's aware of his... nightmare right?_

_“I'm so sweaty. I should keep the heat off at night.” I look at the thermostat and it's…_

_“Yeah absolutely.” I nod._ It's not on. _Fuck he doesn't know!? “Harry.”_

 _“Yeah?” He swipes at his face, gives me his undivided attention._ Wow.

_“Do you suffer from night terrors?” I blurt._

_“A what?” He turns over, faces me._

_“Night terrors. They’re normally associated with-”_

_“Nah…I’ve never been a good sleeper. It’s okay.”_

_“Uhm…I don’t think-”_

_“Lou it’s fine. I’ll be fine.”_ No you won’t…you need to get help.

 _“Sure. If you insist.” I throw in the towel._ I can't hurt him.

_“I have work tomorrow at 3pm okay? Will you be alright here?”_

_“Sir, yes sir!” I salute._

_“…Do you_ like _calling me sir?” He jests._

 _“Nope. Not in that way. Sorry chief.”_  I like calling you...Harry.

_“I’ll settle with chief.”_

_._

_._

_._

_._

“Hi!” He waves at Louis’ neighbor.

“She looks pissed.” The kid comments. And he's right. The lady looks peeved.

“Hi, my name is Harry and I live...right over there.” He points to their door. “And I had a question-”

“You're loud.” The lady remarks.

“Um...well-”

“Chief, she can hear you. I told you.” Louis says.

“At all hours of the morning and evening.” She crosses her arms over her chest, curls her lip in disgust. “Dirty boy.” She scolds.

“Uh…” His stomach twists. “I see...well…” He looks away.

“How rude!!” Louis snaps. “Let me take a whack at her!”

“No!!” Harry snaps at the kid.

“What?” The older woman asks in confusion.

“Nothing!!” He flushes. “I just uh…”

“The lady is a grade A loser, hasn't gone out in _months_ I can assure. Look at her moth eaten sweater!”

“Uh…” He closes his eyes.

“Look, what do you want?” The not so neighborly neighbor grunts.

“I'm renting the condo from a-”

“Oh thank God. You'll be gone soon.” She rolls her eyes at him.

“Wow...okay then.” He bites his lip.

“I am totally haunting her in her sleep.” Louis scoffs.

“The person that lived there was so quiet.” She starts and even though he's hurting he wilsl himself to listen. “Didn't even see him.”

“Oh...did you know his name?”

“Lewis.”

“LOUIS!!! _LIKE GOD!!”_ The boy stamps his foot.

“Lewis? Did you remember a last name?”

“What do I look like? A phone book!? The lady growls. “Go away, spawn. And take your avid sex life with you.” She proceeds to slam the door in his face.

“Alright.” He grips his curls. “Guess she hates when we play twister.” He shrugs.

“You do get a little intense.” Louis says when they walk back to the condo.

“Can't help it. I get excited when you can touch a color...guess I should keep it down next time.”

“Maybe you should keep it down _all the time_.”

“Hey watch it.” He warns. “Alright so I have an idea.”

“Uh oh…” Harry takes a sip from a cup of coffee and places it on the counter. “That's just...unfair!”

“Move it.” He points to the drip sliding down the side. “Or it'll stain.”

“Harry!! I can't! I-”

“You knocked over the picture, you almost felt the sand. Come on.”

“But...but I can't just-”

“Concentrate. Believe in yourself.” He stares at the boy, takes in his beauty. “Remember how you felt when you knocked over the picture.”

“I was angry.” Louis admits. “I was pissed that Gross Guy could do that to you regardless if it was what you wanted.” He smiles at the kid, feels a spark in his gut. _You're... you're really something._

“Whose Gross Guy?”  He stifles a laugh.

“Nick.” Louis groans.

“Oh. He wasn't too bad.” He chuckles.

“He was putrid. Stupid. Annoying. _Gross!!_ ”

“Alright, take it out on the mug!” He points. “The ring... it'll stain the quartz... it'll really leave...an ugly... disgusting... _dark..._ brown ring!” He accentuates.

“Ugh!!!” The kid whines. “No!!”

“Look at that drip! It's so...big!!” He says. “It's going to be so bad!!”

“Harry! You're going to give me nightmares!!”

“Then _move it_!”

“Fine! Fine... I'll try.” Louis sticks his finger out. “Alright... alright...here it goes.”

.

.

.

.

_I place my finger out towards the mug._

_“Good.” Harry says. “Go on.”_

_“R-right.” I stare at the coffee cup, find the outline of his mouth on the lip._ Fuck. _“Okay…”_

_Gross Guy kissed those lips._

_Gross Guy touched them._

_Gross Guy claimed them._

_Gross Guy had free reign over Harry's body!_

_My finger makes contact with the glass._

_“Oh!?” I shriek. “Fuck!”_

_“That's it!!” Harry cheers. “Yes!! Louis!”_ Gross Guy fucked you and...and I… _I push the mug with more force and watch it slide an inch. “Louis! Oh my God...you did it... you... Louis!?”_ I was jealous. _The feeling in my gut at the club was jealousy. “Louis!!!” I was jealous I couldn't touch his thighs, or ravish his skin or...or kiss those pretty pink lips. “Louis, no!!”_

_I fall to the floor, feel the explosion of pain in my abdomen, and all goes black._

_._

_._

_._

_._

 

_I swear my condo has a revolving door!_

_Harry's brought back a different dude almost every night this week from that disgusting club Gross Guy brought him to and it's like damn! How does he have so much stamina!?_

_He “plays” with them, screws them, let's them screw him, fondles, makes out, gropes, slaps, chokes, gags…anything and everything in between._

_It's making me exhausted just thinking about it honestly._

_He comes home with the man in toe, winks in my direction as an acknowledgement and_ does his thing _in our (well, it is mine!) room until the sun comes up. Then in the early morning he kicks them out before he falls asleep._

 _It's the same routine day in and day out, the same faceless Joe Schmo's, the same…the same noises, the same…everything._ It's like Gross Guy never left. _I groan as I sit on the balcony to block it all out._ Will this sex-a-thon ever end!? _I drop my head in my hands._ Why can't he find a hobby!?

 _I touch my belly, feel the jealousy swirling around, hate myself just a little more for feeling this way towards a person I could... never have, despise Harry for being so reckless and stupid._ You hear that? You're stupid.

You're a God forsaken fool! And I hate that I...that I want...sloppy...seconds.

_“Oh fuck!!”  I flinch at the sound, nearly topple off the chair it was so loud._

_“Good maybe they're almost finished…” I groan._

_But...nope._

_They continued on until the sensation in my abdomen became a dull ache, continued well into the morning and made_ so much _noise I'm certain the neighbors heard, continued to the point I decided to go back inside and attempt to move the entire sofa from my anger._

_“You did this.” I brace myself. “You...you make me...do this!”_

_“So when can I see you again?” I hear the random man._

_“Uh... I'll call you.” Harry says and slams the door closed. I'm seeing stars, I'm falling to pieces, I'm...I'm envious!!! “That went longer than expected.” He snorts as he walks into the living room. “What are you doing?” I stare into his eyes, bite my lip, feel the stinging of my tooth breaking skin. “Lou?” He approaches. But I'm too far gone, I'm too upset, I'm..._ I'm so mad at you!! _“Louis! What's wrong-” I push the couch, feel it give just a bit, and it's...bad. “How did you...Louis!!!” My body gives out, my heart begins to pound in my chest, my...I collapse to the ground. “Louis!!” I'm blanketed in darkness._

_._

_._

_._

_._

“Have you ever ridden on a streetcar?” Harry asks.

“Me?” Louis cranes his neck and sees the red car shooting up the street. “Oh…I don’t…Maybe?”

“They’re fun to ride and make it much easier with the hills and all.” He points up towards the top.

“Oh I thought you’d love these steep hills…you know to stay in shape.”

“I stay in shape in other ways too.”

“Yeah I _know._ God knows you get a fine workout in the sack.”

“I actually meant going to the gym.” He chuckles.

“You get _plenty_ of exercise without it!”

“I thought we were trying to help you remember _your_ life and not relive mine?” Harry can’t help the smile playing at his lips. _I smile now…who knew?_

“You asked about the trolley and I said no. So now the ball is in your court…it’s called a conversation.”

“Gee…I had _no_ idea.” He wants to push the kid down the hill. “Let’s leave my sex life out of this.”

“Fine by me!” Louis stares at the red trolley as it sails by them. “It’s so empty.”

“Yeah for now. Wait another fifteen minutes it’ll be packed.”

“Like your ass.” He starts to hysterically laugh.

“Ugh…” Harry runs his fingers through his hair. “Enough!!”

“You didn’t like that?”

“No, it was lame. I thought we were having a conversation that did not _revolve_ around who I fuck?”  

“Yeah but it's entertaining!!” Louis turns to him. “OoOoOOOooo that feels...sOOooo goooood!”

“Will you stop!?"

“Oh but I'm having fun!!”

“I'm not. It's old. You already used that joke.” He says.

“And I'll continue to until you decide that damned club is a bad place to meet men! I mean I get it, you're into the naughty stuff but...anal beads?”

“Don't knock it til you try it.” He says. “They feel... really good.” He gazes towards the boy. _Oh...fuck...Lou...God what I can do to you_. “Imagine it, Lou.” His tone turns sultry. “Imagine slipping a moist bead into someone's ass. Imagine the whine from your partner. Imagine their squirming... imagine the pleasure as you...tug it loose and start over again.” He swipes at his brow. “Bead by bead… slip three in, tug two out…” He turns away, bites his lip. “Imagine it...slip four in, tug three out...and so on until you've reached the end.” He clears his throat. “Thats when the real fun begins.”

“Um…” Louis hums.

“You can offer a hand job, oral sex... maybe even ride their cock for an hour.” _Oh God...stop...stop!_

“Wh-what?”

“Spank them between the legs once or twice.” _I'll need a hand job later that's for sure._

“Shit...shit you know we should-”

“Or simply watch them whimper and beg to be fucked.” _Lou...God I could make you come alive._

“Y-yeah...yeah. Begging sounds hot.” The boy's tone is weak, full of need.

“Or...you could be cruel and pull the beads free and allow them to come untouched.” He turns towards Louis and he's wide eyed, flushed, rubbing furiously at his hands. “It's up to you, really.” He says but the boy isn't responding. “I mean they're... versatile.”

“I…yeah! Absolutely. Versatile. Sure. Yup.” Louis snaps out of his... moment. “Cool...sex toys. Nice.” He offers Harry two thumbs up. “I guess I know what you'll be doing... doing to-tonight. Well that's if-” _I want to do that with you._

“I have work tonight so that's not a possibility.” He says. “But I thought we were watching Harry Potter before I go?” _I can't though._

“Oh! That's still a thing? I thought you were going to the club to pick up some guy to you...you know use moist anal beads with.” 

“No...” He grips his curls. "Work, remember?"

“Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah HP marathon baby!!” Louis smiles once again.

“Yeah we can watch The Goblet of Fire and watch Robert Pattinson. He's cute.”

“He's too lanky if you want my opinion.”

“Then what am I!?” He snorts.

“Tall and... _not lanky_.”

“Oh? I'm not just _lanky_?”

“No you're strong, Harry. Very strong.”

“Oh…” He watches Louis but he's in a far off place. “I do work out a lot. I guess I took advantage of the condo amenities.” He smirks. “Don't tell the agent though.”

“I don't mean physically.” Louis corrects.

“Then what?”

“You hide your emotions, Harry. You... you're mentally strong from really…” The boy rubs at his arms. “Harry are you aware you're a shitty sleeper?” They’re passing various homes nestled in the hill.

“I wake up a lot…I figured I was a light sleeper.”

“Every night you uh…dream? I think? You cry too. Are you having nightmares?” Harry is not sure how to respond so he continues to trudge up the steep sidewalk admiring the houses. _I would like to own a home one day…in a gated community, or maybe on a large plot of land_ \- “Hello?” _Have a large vegetable garden and grow kale_ . “Harry.” _I could maybe have a cute little porch with rocking chairs and take in the beautiful mountains…live a life in peace_ . “Stop ignoring me.” _Be free of my past_ . “What are you doing?” _Forget it ever existed._ “Is that the right way?” _Be an orphan._ “Harry!!! Where are you going?!”

_Awful._

_Worthless._

_Piece of shit!!_

“Hey!!!” The boy flails his arms.

“What!?” He snaps.

“Where did you take us?” Harry looks around and…Fuck. How did he end up here!? Of all places...his feet take him to his...hell, his childhood...his source of frustration and pain. _It's because I thought of Louis on all fours with hot pink anal beads shoved in his ass... My disgusting mind can't let him go._

_And karma found a way in._

“I took a wrong turn.” He lies. “Come on let’s go.”

“But what’s this-”

“Nothing!! It's nothing! Don't worry about it and let's just go!” He snaps and grips his curls into a tight fist. _Fuck...I can feel her hand, her anger, her... unwarranted hatred._ God it still brings him to his knees. “We'll head home, watch-” He turns towards Louis but he's not there. “Louis?” He looks up the block and he's already at the corner. “Lou! Come back here!” He calls. “I’m sorry!” He rushes after him. “I'm sorry okay?” He finds those beautiful blue eyes. “I can't...don't run away okay? Don't. I need you.” He admits.

“For what? If you're not going to let me in, how am I supposed to help you?”

“By just talking to me you're helping. I've never interacted so much as I have now. And...and-”

“Why don't you sleep at night? Why do you call out for your mother?” He blanches, nearly faulters, nearly bursts into tears.

“What?” His voice is hushed. “What do you-” His fingers are twisting into the cotton of his shirt.

“You cry for her! I witnessed it!”

“Shut up…” He groans.

“Harry-”

“ _Stop!!_ Just stop! Don't...don't mention her again!!”

“You have to open up! You have to talk-”

“Don't ask...don't bring her up!! Don't...just shut the fuck up!!” He screams at the boy but he instantly regrets it. Louis’ eyes mist, his bottom lip trembles, his cheeks flush. “I…” He sighs. “Louis-”

“Take me home.” The boy whispers.

“What if I didn’t want to go home yet?”

“Don’t care. I don’t want to talk anymore.”

“But why?”

“ _Just shut the fuck up!”_ Louis mocks.

“You wouldn’t understand what I endured!! None of it! And talking it through breaks me, tears me to pieces!”

“ _Fucking try me!!!”_ The boy shouts back.

“It involves my fucked up childhood! And it's harder to face now that I am an adult and understand exactly what someone was going through!” He tries to explain. “And I... why are you walking away?!” He's staring at Louis’ retreating back.

“I’m following your lead. Isn’t that what you do best? Run away from your problems by giving yourself to other people? To take the pain away? To by you time? Do you _really_ think that’ll help solve your problem?!”

“I will face my issues the way _I see fit_ . I will not have some _child_ tell me how to live my fucking life!”

“Just because I am a child in your eyes doesn’t mean I couldn’t understand.”

“You don't even know who you are! How could you possibly think you’d comprehend what I went through!?” Louis stops in his tracks, peers over his shoulder.

“The one thing I do know…I was a listener…I helped people. How? I haven’t figured that out yet. But I used to HELP PEOPLE, make them feel special…important, _wanted_ . I had a gift and I used it…you just _fuck_ your way around.” Louis turns on his heel and heads up the street.

_I fuck my way around to ease the pain._

And to forget.

_._

.

.

.

_I helped people. I did. That’s what I did, was known for._

_But how did I do it? Was it through motivational speaking? Was I becoming a social worker?_

_I can’t figure that part out. It's always just out of reach when I get close to a conclusion. I know one day I will solve it and be able to share my gift, spread positivity to others, make them understand that life is precious and should not be wasted. Be who you are and never give up._ One day…one day I'll find it.

 _We made it home later rather than sooner._ Freaking Harry and his need to conceal his past…Curly Haired Asshole!! _I will not beg him to tell me anything, he's hurting? Fine. Let him_ figure it out _on his own. In fact, once this is finished, once I am back in my physical body (where ever that may be), I’m going to continue what I did best and pretend this never happened. Put this time behind me...and-_

Move on.

 _“Please don’t ignore me.” I’m sitting on the terrace taking in the sun I cannot feel, deliberately disregarding the lanky shithead I am stuck living with and the only person who is able to interact with me._ I’d rather be alone _. “Lou, come on.” He’ll be going to work and leaving me here…that’s a good thing. “No one knows! I don't tell anyone. It’s private. Can you respect that?” Harry is hanging over me…waiting for any sort of sign that I GIVE A SHIT. “Whatever. I’ll leave the television on for you.” He heads back into the condo._

 _“BYE.” I whisper._ Douche. _“Hear that!? You're a douche now!”_

 _When I know it’s well past 3pm, I go back inside to watch whatever his highness left on for me. And it's…Harry Potter. I sigh_ . I should change it out of principle but I'm too... _I touch my chest._ I'm not... jealous enough, not angered. _So I watch the movies, lose myself in the magic, wonder what it's really like to cast a spell._

_“Hmmm…swish and flick! Come on dude!! Say it right!!!” And all too soon the door opens. “Fuck...day ruined.” I groan._

_“Louis.” I am staring at the screen, not paying any mind to what is happening around me._ I cannot hear you…I cannot hear you!!! _“Really? Fucking really? God grow the fuck up!” I watch him stomp his way to the bedroom and slam the door closed._

_“Grow the fuck uUuuUup.” I mock. He stomps back into the room, turns off the TV, sticks his tongue out, and walks away. “That threat is useless now and you know it!!”_

_“Oh…he DOES speak! The mute speaks! Who would have thought!!!”_

_“Turn that back on! I was at the good part!”_

_“Nope. Get off your fucking ass and_ do it. _” Harry heads back down the hallway and into MY bedroom. I stand from the couch and approach the TV._

_“I'll disappear again!” I warn._

_“Good riddance!!” He shouts._

_“I hate you!!!”_

_“No you don’t!” I hear him._

_I stand before the screen, put my finger out and-_

_POKE._

_POKE._

_POKE._

_“FUCK!!!” I scream at the inanimate object. I look at my hand, find my mind isn't focused. “Useless. I’m useless. Just-”_

_“No you’re not.” Harry says. I nearly jump out of my skin because he’s usually a bull in a China shop._

_“You wouldn’t_ understand _.” I continue to poke at the power button._

_“Shut up.”_

_“No, you shut up. You’re distracting me.” I drop my hand, refocus._ I'm not angry enough. And I don't want to be, especially at you _. I see him in my periphery and all I want to do is reach out and touch his cheek, feel his skin._ I could touch you. I could-

 _“I’m here for emotional support.”_ But it's dumb to even consider. I'm a child in his eyes.

 _“You’re annoying me.” I say instead, glare at the button as a distraction. “You’re_ mine _.” I stick my finger out one last time…_

 _“I am yours.” Harry whispers behind me._ Oh _. I_ feel _sweat break out on my forehead as I continue to concentrate._ I am yours. I am yours. I am yours? _I move my finger and…the pressure of the button is there._

_“I FEEL IT! Oh my god.” I push it and the screen comes to life. My mouth falls open. “I did it. I DID IT!!!!” I start to dance around the living room because I wasn't angry!! I was ...what was I? “I TURNED IT ON!!”  I did! And it's… “Oh no!” I collapse to the ground, land on my hands and knees. “Oh...oh th-that-”_

_“LOUIS!!” Harry runs to my side as I fall into a heap on the ground. I have no control over any of my limbs…in fact I can’t even pretend to...hide my discomfort. “Hey, hey it’s okay. Look at me…focus on me!” I try and move my head to seek out those green irises, the very eyes that give me life but I can’t move! “Alright…it’s okay. You just used a lot of your strength. You’re fine…You’re...I can’t…you’re fading!”_

_“Uh…no?” I feel incredibly faint, so weak._

_“Lou don’t go! Fight it!! Please!!”_

_“I…I am…”_

_._

_._

_._

_._

“LOU!!!” Harry watches the boy dissolve into nothing. “No…No!!!” He circles the room. “Why didn't you fight it!? Why!” He grips his curls, sits on the ground where Louis reappears, waits for his return. “That's right..that's... he'll... he'll come back.” His chest feels tight. “Louis?”

An hour passes.

Three hours pass.

Twelve hours pass.

“Please come back…” He cries into his hands feeling at a loss and half alive.

.

.

.

.

_I'm back in the living room. My head is on fire but my body feels normal. I immediately look around for Harry and find him past out on the floor with his head resting on his arms._

_“Harry?” I tentatively approach him. “Chief?” He stirs awake._ Those pink lips-

_“Huh...?”_

_“Harry!” His eyes spring open, his facial expression speaks volumes, his very being makes my heart skip a beat._

_“Oh my God, Lou!” He stumbles to his feet, stumbles over to me. “Where did you go? I waited…and couldn’t sleep and I finally was too exhausted to stay awake any longer and you’re here now and my God what happened?”_

_“Roomie, are you rambling?” I try and make light of the situation but he's serious._

_“It’s not funny. You disappeared for twelve hours, Lou._ Twelve _. That's the longest it's ever been.” He chokes. “I didn't…I thought...it's not…” He turns away._

_“Harry-”_

_“I have to go to work soon and I don’t want to leave in fear of you not being here when I come back.”_

_“I see…Well…” He missed me?_

_“Come with me. No one will know you’re there.” He glances my way._

_“Yes! Sure I'll come and…watch you strut your stuff.” I give him thumbs up. “Watch you do your doctor thing.”_

_“Good. I um…have to shower.” He starts to walk to the bedroom but stops. “Sit on the bed? Please?” He looks so helpless._ What’s going to happen when I leave?

_“Sure thing, chief.”_

_“Th-thanks.” He quickly showers. “Do you remember where you went?” Harry asks as he gets dressed._

_“It's black. It's...always black and I feel like something is in my throat. My body starts to burn, my head feels like it's trapped in a vice. I can't think. I can't grasp onto much of anything. It's an endless pit." I find Harry's startled face._

_"And I was pushing you to touch shit? I was forcing this suffering on you?" He grips his curls. "Why didn't you say anything!? I thought you just dissolved from using too much energy!"_

_"It's hard to explain! I didn't...I don't-" He starts to choke._

_"Louis!!" He cries. “Why didn't you tell me!?” He pushes his palms to his eyes. “God I was hurting you!!”_

_"I'm sorry!!! I didn't think you'd want to know!”_

_“Why not!? Why!! I care...I can't…” He takes a deep breath, hesitates a moment. “You're not touching anything... anymore I forbid it because... because..." He looks to me, finds my eyes, penetrates my very soul. "I care about you so much. And...and if you were to disappear for good...I...I don't..." He bites his lip. "Half of me will disappear too."_


	4. Interlude: The Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And they're perfect.  
> They're soft, they're plump, they're delectable, they're flawless.

_ “Fuck, finally asleep.” I slump against the wall, stare at Harry's reddened face, and closed eyelids. “That was bad.” I murmur as I continue to watch him. “Scary... fucking petrifying actually.” I shiver at the memory, shudder at the nightmare that he couldn't rouse from. _

_ He was flailing about, crying out to his mother, sobbing the same lines over and over...and I was helpless to stop it. He was suffering and here I was promising he'd be okay, reminding him he is safe, offering my words of encouragement.  _

But nothing worked.

_ I was useless. I was a sobbing mess. _

_ I was breaking for him. _

_ He cried out and I joined him. _

_ He ached. I ached. _

_ We were one in the same. _

_For a short time we were on the same wave length, we were_ us _._ _And I savored in the connection, in our connection, in this moment where he could depend on my voice to overcome his inner turmoil._

But it didn't stop!

_ He just cried, sweat through the sheets and soaked his pillow, screamed his anger and confusion, begged to be...just  _ begged _. And I was at a loss! _

_ He was unrecognizable at one point too. Before my very eyes he transformed into a boy suffering at...at the hand of his mother? I can't be so sure but his memories are destroying his subconscious and attacking him when he's at his most vulnerable. _

When he least expects it.

_And his mother is the brunt of his rage. She caused him to be this hurt, this broken, this unsure_ _even after so many years_. _He still cannot overcome it even as he ages and goes through life. He's losing that strength I thought be possessed, losing the will to keep his anguish suppressed, slowly losing his clarity._

_ “God, Harry.” I swipe at my eyes. “What was that, huh? What happened?” His fingers are intertwined in the sheets. “Why...what wasn't your fault? What were you blamed for?” I ask his sleeping form. “What door did she lock?” He turns towards me, sighs deeply into the pillow. “Fuck you have…” He licks his lips. _

_ “P-perfect.” He mumbles. “You're...thank you.” His tone is soft, saddened. He licks at his mouth again and I can't look away. They're so pink. They're so pretty. They're so alluring I can't prevent the images of myself touching them.  _

_ “Harry?” I'm living through my own nightmare I suppose. “Hey.” I inch towards him. _

_ “So pretty.” He mumbles. “S-smell good.”  _

_ “You’re right...I can't sneak up on you.” I snort. “You know when I'm close.” He sighs again, draws attention to his mouth. “You...you have very nice lips.” I admit.  _

_ “Closer.”  _

_ “No, I can't. I'm good right here.” I lean in further anyway. _

_ “Closer.” He repeats. _

_ “Even asleep you're a magnet. How is that possible!?” _

_ “C-come...closer.”  _

_ “Nope.” I sit back against the wall, glance at his mouth. _

_ “Too far. You...you keep... everything away.” _

_ “Well, not your dreams apparently. Those come regardless.” _

_ “N-not dreams.” He falls under again. _

_ “It's okay. Sleep.” I say. “Sleep it off. I'll just watch... right…” I can't look away anymore. _

_ I'm drawn to him. He draws me to him! He tugs at my heartstrings, he...he unravels the knots, he makes me feel so… _ Jealous _.  _

_ He runs his tongue along his bottom lip, incites these feelings within me, pulls me forward. _

_ “Harry... Harry it's…” I scoot closer. “Harry if I do this…” I think of Gross Guy, I remind myself of the jealousy. “He touched you all wrong.” I lean on my elbows. “He wasn't gentle.” I move closer. “He...he was too rough.” I'm inching towards him. “And those men you bring home…” I shake my head. “They're not even...close.” I lick my own lips. “They are...they only want  _ one thing _.” I snap. “One thing.” His eyes scrunch. “Harry, one thing! They see  _ a look _. They see your exterior. They see…”  _

_ “S-smell...good.” He murmurs.  _

_ “They see your ass, Harry. They see your body, your beauty, your soft curls.” I close my eyes, allow the anger to guide me. “I see you. I see what's inside.  _ I like what's inside _.” I bite my bottom lip, inch closer. “I'm addicted, Harry.” I open my eyes, find his face. _

_ “Smell... you're…” He groans, rolls onto his back.  _

_ “To you...I think.” I feel the sweat form on my brow. “Fuck... it's...it's working.” My arms are shaking then. “I'm addicted to you.” I admit. “I...and I…” His lips are plump, so pink, so… “Oh God. I'm going to do it.” I clear my throat. “Harry?” He licks his lips and now…and now their even more enticing and glistening. “Fuck...fuck…”  _

_ Jealous. _

_ I'm jealous. _

_ I'm hurting. _

_ “I ache watching you kiss those men.” I move... closer. “I don't like how you think...you need to be abused to survive.” I rest heavily on my quaking arms. “I fucking hate...hate the way you call...me...and see me...as...a kid.” I snap. I lean over him and forget the pain in my gut, completely disregard the weakness in my limbs. “I hate it...I hate it...I hate-” I'm so close to him now, so close! “I just…. I have to do this!” I pucker my lips. “Harry?” The shaking is prominent now. “Harry I can't...I can't wait anymore.” His breath hits my cheeks and I know I'm close.  _ So close _. “Oh God.” I lean forward, I inch...I move... I- _

_ We're touching.  _

_ And they're perfect. _

_ They're soft, they're plump, they're delectable, they're flawless. _

_ I moan against them, emerse myself in the delicateness touching my tongue...and it's...it's heavenly. I'm floating... I'm enjoying this too much. I'm so content _ .

_ But my arm gives out then.  _

_ I fall forward into him, accidentally deepen our kiss, and instinctively open myself to him. _

_ My body is screaming at me. _

_ My heart is pounding. _

_ My head is splitting! _

_ But I can't back away! I can't... I'm...here...I have him! He's right here!! This is what I daydreamed about!! He stirs below me, moans against my mouth, releases these fears within me.  _ Uh oh. _ What if he didn't want this? What if I'm assuming this is what...Harry wants? What if he hates me for doing this? What will happen then? What will I do!? What if...what if he doesn't speak to me? _

_ Will I disappear? Will I cease to exist? _

What if I don't exist? What if I'm only in Harry's imagination?

_ My eyes spring open in horror at the thought and he's already watching me, scrutinizing my shitty idea.  _ Fuck _. I release his lips and back away, see the dread on his face. _

_ “H-Harry-” I touch my forehead, grimace as the pain radiates in my skull. “I...I…” I back away, wring my hands, fight the urge within me that wants to give up...that wants to dissolve into nothing. “N-no...no!” I bite my lip, feel... feel- “Nothing!?” I shriek. “No!” Harry's taste is gone, the trickling of sweat is non existent. “I'm... I'm-” _

_ “Louis?” A tear escapes.  _

_ “I can't…” There's something in my throat again, there's pinching in my hands, there's... _ my chest!! _ It's on fire...I'm burning... I'm so warm!! _

_ “L-Louis?” His voice is confused. _

_ “I...I…” I choke around the object.  _ It's not your fault. I did this. Me. I went above and beyond. I felt for...too long. I hurt you!!! 

_ “Don't...no...no…” He sobs. “Don't go?”  _

_ “I...I…” I clutch my throat, fall back into the wall, allow the tears to well in my eyes and the blackness to consume my vision. _

  
  
  



	5. Transluscent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I must be strong and hide my feelings…Harry must never know what he means to me…how I think he’s my sunshine and moonlight, my brightest star, my life, my imperfectly perfect prince, my dream come true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> Sorry please review the tags and read with caution.
> 
> Thanks

“What really happened?” Zayn asks as he removes the stitching from Harry’s now healed wrist.

“…huh?” His attention is transfixed on the slight sting the surgical thread is inciting as it’s pulled free.

“What caused this?” The brunette points down to the scar.

“I told you already.” Harry continues to watch avoiding the eyes that are undoubtedly staring at him willing him to confess. Zayn stops.

“A ghost. You said the ghost made you do it. That’s insanity…they do not exist.” He drops the tweezers onto the metal tray. “Tell me the truth.”

“I’m not lying!” He _will not_ tell him about his mother. She is a disgrace and he refuses to give her any more attention. _Satisfaction is more like it._

“That’s it. I’m finished.” The man stands abruptly and heads to the door.

“Where are you going?” Harry begs. He wanted the stitching removed and maybe get a quick blow before their break was up. “I thought-”

“I said I’m finished. You need to fess up, man. Are you ill? Do you need to get help?”

“I _do not_ need help!” He starts to tug on his hair. “I’m _fine._ ”

“Um okay…sure. _You’re_ the one convinced a ghost told you to slash your wrist open with a knife.”

“I don’t want to talk about it! It’s far too personal to share.” _I hate my mother…I hate her so much for doing this to me_.

“Will you ever open up? I mean…I feel like I know your ass better than your personality.”

“What difference would it make if you knew?”

“I’d have a better understanding of you.” _I thought we were just fuck buddies…er friends with benefits?_

“Wait, you actually want to get to know me?” Harry looks up at him in astonishment.

“It would be nice to try.”

“Oh…”

“You’re always so secretive. I guess that’s why I wanted to be with you…to break through that barrier of yours. Does that make sense?”

“No one has ever cared to try.” Harry runs his thumb over the scar, the damage forever reminding him that his mother won.

“I think you’re the one not _allowing_ them to try.”

“That’s…” Zayn sort of nailed it on the head. “…true?”

“Seeking help in others is not a weakness, you know.”

“But it is! If I give in, reveal myself, people will see me as...”

“As what?!”

“A failure.” _I need to stop….NOW._

“Failure? What did you fail?”

“I failed…” Harry takes a deep breath. “…Her. Them…my FAMILY.” He puts his head in his hands despising the surge of emotions, the tears in his eyes flooding his vision. “I fucked up!” _I would of rather have gotten that blow job…_

“You fucked up your family?” Zayn looks confused as he intently stares at Harry. “I don’t-”

“I can’t talk about it anymore. That’s as far as I’ll go.”

“You’re doing so-”

“NO!!” Harry stands up. “No. No. No! We’re finished. Unless you want a piece of this-” He points to his ass. “-I’m out of here.”

“Jesus…okay never mind.” The man rolls his eyes. “One track mind.”

“Incorrect. I want to…forget.” He tugs his hair even harder. “Forget everything when I’m with someone but keep enough distance between us so… _no one_ asks questions.”

“So you purposely have one night stands to forget your past?” He can’t face the man because he knows it sounds ridiculous but it’s the truth and it has worked for this long…what’s a few more years? “You can’t live like that!”

“It’s not your life…It’s MINE! Don’t concern yourself with it.”

“That’s sad Harry. So very sad and I’m sorry you feel this way. I hope you find peace with yourself and seek the help you _deserve_.” He exits the examining room without a glance. _Fuck_.

This conversation rattled the living shit out of him. He nearly spilled his heart out on the table, almost lost control over his emotions, _exposed_ himself to a person he only wants _one thing_ from. How could he do that? _Why did he ask? It isn’t his fucking concern_. He waits a few more minutes before leaving the room to reorient himself, to carefully put back the façade, be the person the world is used to seeing. _I’m fine._ One last deep inhale and he leaves the room.

He’s heading back to work when he’s stopped by Danielle.

“Hi, Campbell.” _What the fuck do you want?_

“Hey. I need your help upstairs.”

“With what? Liam has me-”

“Go upstairs, Styles.” Dr. Payne says from behind him. He looks like such a douche right now with this stupid hairdo and stupid face…and stupid grin.

“Um…I thought I was in the ER tonight?”

“I am now. Danielle needs you upstairs. One of the doctor’s fell ill and needed to leave early. It’s been a quiet night, we can handle it.”

“Oh…kay.” So with that, Harry and Danielle head to… “Where are we going?”

“Private rooms. Top floor.”

“Why though? I thought those patience weren’t terminal or anything?”

“They’re not but I can’t be the only physician up there. Who cares anyway? You’ll get a break from Liam who we all know has it in for you.”

“I have yet to confirm why…I’d like you to know.”

“Yeah well…wouldn’t we all?” They make it to the elevator.

“Have you…ever been to B. Patisserie?” He asks randomly.

“Yes!!! They’re stuff is amazing. But don’t you like…eat kale chips or something?”

“Am I not allowed to have dessert?” _Shit I need to get out more._

“I thought Zayn’s ass was dessert?” She winks as they step out of the car.

“How did you-” She puts a finger to his lips.

“Seriously? Did you honestly think the staff didn’t know?” She smiles.

“I DO have a great ass.”

“And no personality. Perfect for a one night stand.” _Okay that really hurt_.

“Uh…” Harry stops walking as she continues down the corridor. _Crap. I really am a slut. A slut with no personality and no social life._

“Anyway…” Danielle looks behind her and finds him a few paces behind. “What’s wrong?”

“N-nothing. It’s nothing.” He’s actually dying inside…nothing new. “So who is on this floor?” He catches up to her avoiding her gaze. “Why does that room have a guard in front? Oh is that the man from a few months ago?”

“Yeah, they may pull the plug soon. We believe he is brain-dead…”

“Shit, really?”

“Yeah. His sister never leaves his side. She is convinced he’ll make a full recovery…but it’s a stretch. He can’t even breathe on his own anymore. I feel awful.” Harry tries to peer in as they walk past the door but a girl is blocking the body.

“How old is he?”

“Twenty one.”

“Wow…that’s…”

“HIS EYES!!!” Harry and Danielle watch the girl stand up and scream. She runs to the doorway. “HE OPENED HIS EYES!!!” Dr. Campbell hurriedly walks to the nurse’s station.

“Check Mr. Tomlinson’s vitals.” She instructs in a rush.

“Okay…okay! I can’t believe it…poor kid…he’s been…Holy shit.” The nurse stares at the screen in disbelief.

“WHAT!” Danielle goes behind the desk to look for herself. “Is that…how is that possible? He was pronounced brain-dead after the last stroke.” Harry looks at the girl again as she starts jumping for joy.

“Oh my GOD!!! I knew it!!” She turns to him. “YES!!!!” She quickly embraces him in a hug. “Uh…sorry, Doc.” She runs past the guard and into the room.

“His heart is working overtime…”

“Is he breathing on his own?”

“Can’t tell just yet.”

“What if we try and remove the-”

“No. It’s too risky. We’ll wait a little longer then see what we can do.”

Harry remains silent as a sense of Déjà vu overwhelms him. He looks into the room and sees the girl leaning over the body.

He involuntarily touches his lips.

.

.

.

.

_I’m on the couch when I sense it._

_My insides feel like they’re splitting in half like my soul is separating from this ghostly form. It’s nothing compared to the feeling I get when I overexert myself to touch physical objects. This is so strong, beyond painful, scary as all hell because_ I am not doing anything _. I look down at my hands and they’re practically transparent._

_Is this it?_

_Is my time up?_

_Where will I go?_

_Will I remember?_

_“Harry!” My vision goes black._

_._

_._

_._

_._

Harry is intently watching the girl.

He doesn’t even know her yet-

“Styles, go get Liam. We have to tell him about this patient.”

“W-what?” He turns around.

“Go. Get. Liam.”

“What ever happened to _please_?” Harry snaps and walks away.

_._

_._

_._

_._

_Suddenly I appear in a white, cold, sterile room._

_I am barely able to stand up from the pain swelling in my abdomen; my legs are like lead, my head throbbing. This is the first time I’ve ever materialized in a location when I disappear or ever felt the temperature of the room._ Are my senses returning? Am I waking up? _Normally when I disappear, I close my eyes and it’s black, I am immobile, I feel like air is being forced down my throat and sucked back up, my face is itchy, and it’s just awful. Even though it’s temporary, it’s miserable._

_But this time?_

_._

_._

_._

_._

“Why does he keep doing that?!” Charlotte yells. “His breathing is all weird!” Dr. Campbell walks in the room, past the guards and Simon.

“I sent the other physician to get our boss. He has to make the decision…”

“Why can’t you?! You’ve been with Louis since he came! You know him!”

“I…”

“Because we want a _real_ opinion.” Simon pipes in from his chair.

“God!! FUCK YOU!!” Charlotte snaps. She looks to her brother again and just like that…

.

.

.

.

_I’m back in the condo._

What the fuck is going on? _I look down at my hands and they’re solid._

 _“I have to tell Harry when he comes home.” I say aloud because that was weird._ What if I’m waking up?!

 _I look at the television screen and it’s like I’ve never left._ This was a quick trip…like a super quick trip. _I did not miss more than five minutes of my show and that never happens. I could be gone for a few hours…possibly days but five minutes? This was definitely different._ I’ll need to remember this.

_I shake it off and immerse myself in The Fall, some television show I was binge watching._

_I hear the door swing open a little while later and my heart starts to flutter in my chest._ Calm down…it’s just Harry…the guy I kissed. The person I’ve developed these insane feelings for. No big deal. NBD. Yup…

 _It hurts, okay? It kills me every time he doesn’t acknowledge that it happened. Even if he admitted to hating it, thought my breath smelled, or simply didn’t want that from me…I’d appreciate some sort of feedback. Positive or negative. The silence is certainly not making me feel any better._ But did he like it?

_I slap my face, put on my stupid grin and run to the door like an idiot._

_“Hey-” My mouth drops open. I should be used to this…alright? The butterflies in my stomach are unwarranted, the burning in my chest completely wrong. I do not feel the least bit…jealous. That’s what it is. I’m jealous._ I felt jealous when he was dancing with Nick. So jealous it made my tummy hurt _._

 _He’s just…being manhandled right in front me, making sucking noises with his mouth and tongue on the dude’s neck, grabbing his hair with those incredibly long fingers. His eyes are closed, those beautiful green irises masked, a look of pure ecstasy plastered on his chiseled face and all I can think…_ That should be me _. I slap myself again._

 _“God…Harry.”_ Is this the guy from the hospital? _I hide around the corner refusing to be caught staring. It’s embarrassing…you know? Being caught ogling your friend making out. I mean this could potentially lead to them getting it on at some point and I can’t bear to lay witness to_ that!! _Although…I like the noises Harry makes…I slap myself a third time across the cheek._

_“Shut up, Louis.” I whisper._

_“Come on.” I hear his deep voice and immediately look up to their retreating backs heading to the bedroom._ I didn’t even get a HELLO! _The door slams shut trapping the two of them inside._

 _“Hmph, does he really think that’ll stop me?!” I stomp down the hallway, poke my head through the door and all I can see is him…his passion…his warmth…his beauty…his perfectly sculpted body._ I want his body draped over me like a blanket. I want to feel you on me.

_I run back to the living room to hide and squash down these feelings._

_He’ll be mine later…I know it. We’ll talk and be silly and joke and be friends and go for our walk and do-…the loudest moan comes from the bedroom and all I can do is cry because_ that should be me.

.

.

.

.

He enjoys topping every once in a while.

It’s not too rare of an occasion…Harry just likes to be controlled, left to simply enjoy, relax, beg, and scream for mercy, be tied up. But right now, Zayn is…pretty fuckin hot. He got him to cum twice already even before Harry decided it was time to properly fuck him. They’ve been going at it for nearly an hour and he needs to stop soon…because… _Shit!_ He notes the time. _I promised Lou we’d go for our walk…Oh my God…Louis!_ He didn’t see or hear him when he came home; he was so focused on _fucking the shit_ out of Zayn he completely forgot…

Suddenly his rhythm is erratic, his drive to continue pumping into the man gone. He just wants to see Louis and make sure he’s alright. He looks down at Zayn…his face is beautiful. _But you’re just temporary_.

“I’m…so CLOSE don’t stop!” The man whines. Harry flinches and recovers quickly.

“Fuck…I _won’t_.” He takes hold of Zayn’s shoulders and with his last remaining strength plows into him. His hips are unrelenting and powerful, his mind back in the game, the need to cum straight into this guy’s ass making his excitement burst through his seams. “Say my name.” He orders. “Say my _fucking_ name.”

“W-what?” Zayn’s hands are braced on his shoulders.

“I want you to scream my name when you cum.”

“Yes. My God yes.” The man pleads. He throws his head back into the pillows, his face contorting in pleasure.

“Go…damn it…GO!” His own body is spent…he’s spent. His mind is spent…he’s finished with this, ready for the man to leave so he can start his morning properly. He can feel his mind start to involuntarily wander and land in a moment of time he is still surprised occurred. He remembers the pressure, the sweet taste, the hesitancy, the longing, the daintiness…and that’s all he needs. “Louis-” Without warning, he climaxes, the sensation leaving him bereft and lonely, not sated and content _because that could never happen_. His legs give out causing him to collapse on the body before him that’s _not_ the boy.

“Okay wrong name.” Zayn says. “And people call me the slut…” Harry looks up at him absolutely horrified.

“I’m sorry. Shit I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. I guess I deserve that after our conversation earlier. I should apologize for pushing you.”

“You didn’t know.” Harry pulls out and quickly sits up putting distance between them.

“It was worth a shot.”

“No, I’m sorry for lashing out at you. That was unnecessary…I overreacted.” Zayn sits up.

“Yeah you sort of did. I was only asking a question.”

“You did.”

“And I wasn’t fishing around for information.”

“Did you not say I was secretive? And you wanted to get to know me?”

“Yup. I do.”

“And do you still want to?” _I’m not interesting in the least_. Zayn nods. “Why?”

“Beats me honestly.” He contemplates a moment. “Maybe I want to get to know you better and not just…physically.”

“Uh…” _No…never…nope…_

“Okay never mind.”

“I think it’s best to stick to what we know?”

“I guess so…for now at least.” Zayn stands on wobbly feet. “Who is that anyway?”

“…who?”

“Louis?” The man is hastily getting dressed.

“Someone…I met?” Hearing his name aloud makes his heart jump and palms sweat.

“And?” Harry slips on a pair of boxers.

“And what?”

“Well, you came in my ass the second his name past your lips. Obviously he means something, no?”

“Exactly that, no.” Harry lies more to himself. _Those lips. The pressure_. “It’s nothing, it’ll never work anyway.” _He fit so perfectly._

“Why?”

“Zayn, you’re doing it again.”

“Right…I’ll just go.” He points to the door with his thumb.

“Okay.” _Louis I’m coming._ He looks out the window seeing the sunrise. “I’ll walk you out.”

“So I will see you in a few days.” They’re at the front door.

“Yup. I’m going to try and catch up on some sleep.” Which for some reason…he’s been struggling with more so than usual.

“Take care.” The man gives a final wave and disappears into the hallway.

He turns around and faces the condo.

“Lou?”

.

.

.

.

_I ran._

_I ran far away and I can’t find my way back._

_I ran_

_And ran_

_And ran_

_And cried._

_And my God did I cry._

_I took so many wrong turns and went in circles...I looped back around hoping I’d recognize anything…a sign…a landmark…a familiar face…anything to indicate HOME._

_I just couldn’t be there anymore…hearing those noises, being forced to witness an act I can never do (and never do with the person I_ want _to do it with). It’s just stupid to even imagine. I’m a boy…a ghost. A semblance of a person who once was…who probably will never be again. And Harry is heaven on earth. An angel. A beautiful being. A God._

And I didn’t get a fucking hello.

_I am panicking, my fake breathing coming out in quick puffs, my eyes streaming inexorable tears. I am just a fool…a damned fool. I must be strong and hide my feelings…Harry must never know what he means to me…how I think he’s my sunshine and moonlight, my brightest star, my life (well actually he really is…he’s all I have), my imperfectly perfect prince, my dream come true._

Harry why didn’t you acknowledge me? Am I that forgettable?

 _I continue up the street as a car drives by, the music playing from the stereo sparking something in my chest I haven’t felt before._ I know that tune… _How can I possibly know the lyrics to a song I have never heard…well thought I’ve never heard…before?_

_“I’m so lost.”_

_._

_._

_._

_._

He isn’t here…the boy’s scent is _gone_ and Harry has no way of finding him.

“Louis! Where are you? Please don’t be angry. I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to ignore you…” He swipes at his eyes. “We were supposed to go on our walk, remember?” He hears his phone start to ring. “UGH! Not now!!!” He looks at the caller ID… _The Agent_. He picks up. “NIALL.” He sniffles into the phone.

“Uhm…hi? You called?”

“YEAH like weeks ago!”

“I have other clients you know…”

“Who used to live here?”

“I cannot say! It’s a breach of privacy.”

“I don’t care! Just tell me! I’ll move out if that will help.”

“No! I can’t say…Their boss’ll kill me and I am not getting canned.”

“His ghost is here with me! I see him…he can’t remember anything!”

“Stop with the crap…”

“I am NOT lying! I know what I see…who I’ve interacted with. It’s the owner of the condo. Now if you wouldn’t mind-”

“NO I am not getting in trouble for you!”

“God, FUCK YOU.” He hangs up. “And he’s _gone_ damn it!” He throws the phone onto the ground and starts to tug at his hair. “Fuck fuck fuck!”

.

.

.

.

_But which way is HOME?_

_I swear no matter how far I walk, I can never escape the confines of these four blocks._

Harry.

Please.

Harry.

.

.

.

He’s convinced Louis went out to venture, walk around, experience the city, take it in, remember anything. _Yeah, he just wants to discover on his own…that’s all it is._

Harry is lying on the couch staring at the television screen after his hours of searching. Louis is an adult for goodness sake not some baby who needs coddling, needs his hand held, needs direction…he’ll be _fine_. It’s possible he remembered something and couldn’t wait for Harry to come home! That’s it…! He is starting to remember his life and wanted to immerse himself in the memories. But why hasn’t he come back yet? _Come home?_

He takes a deep breath and refocuses his attention on the television forcing himself to relax. He has to sleep…at some point…something, anything really.

.

.

.

.

_Nothing._

_Still nothing._

_I can’t even find that steep hill Harry and I walked up that one day._

_Everything is muddling together…_

_._

_._

_._

_._

Two days and Louis is still missing.

He hasn’t come home… _where the fuck is he?_ Harry was worried at first but now he is just pissed off. The kid can’t just leave and not tell him! No one can see him! What if he is lost?! _Did he find his body? If so, why hasn’t he come back?!_ How will he ask for help? _Why am I falling apart?_

What if he reconnected with who _ever_ and wants to forget what they created? Forget what Harry did for him? What the boy did for HIM? They’ve both changed so much…how can he give up hope now?

Maybe that’s what Louis meant, he’s embarrassed of him… _of course_. Harry does stupid shit on impulse, rarely thinks things through, hurts himself, hurts others, puts himself way out there, flaunts it. _I’m the worst_. But the kid really will not give him a chance to try? Prove that maybe he is _not_ so bad? An actual human being?

He involuntarily touches his lips.

Harry would be lying if he said he never felt the boy’s mouth, did not feel anything more towards him, never wanted him to do it _again._ Who is he kidding? That one touch gave him life, a reason to fight for him and his attention, a reason to try harder. _Why haven’t I spoke to him about it?_

At first he was dreaming, the dream lucid and so life-like he was actually annoyed when he woke up. But little did he know, what was actually happening in his sleep was occurring in real life…and Louis managed to touch him, achieved the impossible, made himself so weak he disappeared for nearly a day. Harry was mortified. How could the boy do that to himself knowing what would happen? Why would he risk it? Pressing the television button for just those few seconds sent him into darkness for a half a day. But to actually kiss Harry? And stay there for however long? _I wish it were longer…I wish I could have done more. Reciprocated. Let him in._

He feels his anger surging towards the kid. How could he be so fucking foolish? How could he not come home? How can he possibly forget Harry? Why can’t the boy tell him he’s okay?

“Fuckin _Louis_.” He says aloud. “Hope you can hear me!!! Fuck you!!” He screams into the air.

It’s nearly nightfall and damn it he needs to let loose, get himself piss drunk, fuck someone. The past forty eight hours consisted of him feeling sorry for himself and wallowing around the condo while being concerned for someone who obviously could not care less for his feelings. So he couldn’t give two flying fucks if he doesn’t come home tonight.

He shakes off the nagging thoughts and gets ready. He’s been okay the last few weeks…only going out every so often and spending the rest of his time with Lou, promising him those few hours. But now it seems it never meant a thing…it meant _nothing_. _It meant so much to me_.

That’s why tonight he is going to let himself go like old times, be the shithead he is known to be, fuck the hottest guy he lays his eyes on, be _that_ guy, and forget. Forget those lips, eyes, grin, _everything_. _You suck, you made me sad_ …And that is how easy it is to blame someone else for their issues…

He calls himself an Uber and drinks half a bottle of whiskey in hopes to be completely free of his inhibitions, lose all control, and be in the moment. He will not think of the consequences, ignore his better judgements, and let go.

He arrives at the grungy ass club completely wasted and it’s packed to the brim. _How will I find the right person now?!_ He scans the crowd taking in all of the faces and who he thinks is worthy of his time, who is worthy enough to touch him, and praying his red shirt will attract some attention.

It seems he is almost out of luck until he spots a large cluster of people on the dance floor. He knows that’s where he wants to be…amongst the confines of the bodies, relishing in the hands touching his waist, feeling random lips kissing his own, escaping from his shitty life. He is blatantly putting himself out there, testing his limits, being a little excessive…He just can’t help himself so he continues without a care in the world, allowing the alcohol to run through his veins, show these men what moves he has.

There’s one person in particular who took a liking to him immediately. He sort of played it off in the beginning but soon started to gravitate towards the man. He’s huge…okay like literally towering over Harry which he is not used to…but why not? He can give it a shot. After all, he is in it to WIN it…so let’s do it!

Harry focuses all of his attention on the man, dances with him, on him, in front of him, showing off his new found skills (he refuses to acknowledge who taught him…) until it seems the guy wants to go someplace private. _Yes!! I knew I felt something down there._

The man practically drags Harry away from the dance floor, his grip constricting and powerful, and takes him to the back of the club towards the bathroom. _This will have to do!_ Now Harry is gone…completely inebriated, beyond drunk, but he knows the little figure when he sees it.

“Ummm…this is the _ladies_ room. As far as I know I have a di-” The man covers his mouth to shut him up.

“Shhh.” Harry just shrugs allowing the night to unfold. Once inside, he hears the door click and the lock turn.

“Oooooh this is what you had in mind!” He starts to smile knowing damn well where this is going…he isn’t into this scene, you know bathroom sex, but he does let Zayn blow him in the breakroom at work, so this is similar. Right?

“God shut up, please?” The man grunts as he takes hold of Harry’s bicep again dragging him further in.

“I barely said anything.”

“That’s how I want to keep it if you _don’t_ mind.”

“Oh…alright.” The guy shoves him into the wall and immediately they start kissing. Once again his mind is not in it, the alcohol is still alive in his veins but the veil of fogginess is lifting, his thought process becoming coherent, his rational side waking up. The ladies bathroom is no place for him to get fucked silly and especially in a place like this. He was hoping for a nice clean bedroom with a great view, comfy bed, candles, some of that romantic shit, good company. _Why do I want that though?_ He sees Louis’ face flash before his eyes and the warmth they emanate, the comfort they bring forth. _Oh…I want romance with him. Louis_ …

He is brought back to the moment and concludes he doesn’t like this in the least. The man’s taste is stale, his fingers grotesque and harsh, his movements jerky and not very appealing. _No. Nope...not for me_. He pushes the man off of him.

“I have to go.” He slurs as he attempts to put more distance between them. Crap, he’s getting the chills. And it doesn’t help that the guy is like a brick wall. “S’cuse me, sir.” His voice is coming out all wrong. He is too drunk to function…this was stupid. _Gosh Harry you’re so easy and slutty. Get your act together._

“Where are you going?”

“Home. I have to find someone.” He keeps pushing the brute but he _isn’t moving_. “Get outta my way!”

“You were such a cute, sexy thing out there. Was that just an act for attention?”

“No! Move!”

“You certainly got mine.” Harry isn’t sure what is happening. He lost all control over the situation. He keeps trying to free himself but the man only tightens his hold, the grip painful and unexpected. He is quickly turned away and pushed against the grimy wall.

“W-what are you doing?” he squeaks out. _Okay this wasn’t what I wanted._

“I suggest you keep it down.”

“NO! Let me go!” He tries to push himself off again but-

“This’ll be quick.” The man shoves him back against the wall as Harry starts to silently sob. He can’t move, can’t think, can’t speak, can’t believe he got himself into such a predicament.

Is this happening?

What went wrong?

He tries to push free and whatever it takes to save himself but the damn alcohol is slowing him down, making him weak, his terror draining his last bit of strength.

“I SAID N-NO!” He screams.

But it’s like he’s invisible.

.

.

.

.

 _I know this place!! Holy shit I know_ _this place!_

_The club is right before my eyes and damn it’s the first landmark I’ve managed to find that I remember. It means I am close to the condo, close to home, close to Harry._

Harry.

Harry.

Har-.

_I stare at the building for a moment and have this sudden urge to go in and search. Search for what though? What is in there that I subconsciously need to witness or see? Is it a person? Why are my feet taking me in this direction?_

_I saunter past the bouncer, stick out my tongue, do a dance, and make my way in still attempting to figure out what is drawing me towards this place. And it doesn’t help that the club is packed to the brim._ Ugh why does my brain decide to work _now_? _I head to the back to get a better vantage point and seek out…whatever drove me in here._

 _I crane my neck towards a large crowd on the dance floor and scan the faces for no one in particular. Nothing is ringing a bell…everyone is a stranger, no one is providing any inkling of recognition._ This was so stupid! _I am about to leave when I stumble upon an insanely large man walking away with a smaller gentleman trailing behind who looks to be a little unstable._ Is that dude okay?

 _I am about to follow them but they head into the girl’s bathroom which completely turns me off. It’s wrong, okay? Completely wrong. Why on earth would they want to screw in a bathroom anyway? That’s distasteful and gross. Have a little more respect for yourself and those around you!_ Thanks, but absolutely no thanks.

 _I circle the club a few times, search the many random faces, read their expressions, look for someone familiar, find the real reason I came in here._ What was that though? _Nothing is making sense!_ Well this was a complete waste of time. _I head towards the back of the club to leave and find myself right at the bathroom…again._ Um…why though?

 _Without another thought, I quickly poke my head through the door and sure enough…the two men are having sex._ See brain? It’s just two men being gross. Now let me get out of this joint _. I roll my eyes at the audacity and am about to leave when I hear a loud sob._ Okay, now that was not right! _I know for certain you’re not supposed to cry!_ Unless you’re an emotional person that is…I have no clue if I am emotional during-

 _“P-please stop!” I immediately materialize on the other side of the door and take in the scene in front of me and this isn’t good…not good…nope. I have to help this person, help them overpower this man who is blatantly using them, hurting them!_ Fuck, what do I do?! _I tentatively walk over blocking out the sounds and attempt to look at both of them. The dude in red steals all of my attention and I know this is why I came here. This is the reason my legs went this way…took control and brought me to-_

_“Oh my god.” I say as I recognize the person in distress. “Holy fuck.” I am flabbergasted, completely taken aback, burning with rage from within. “This…this cannot be…” I am tearing apart, my insides are convulsing, my brain is jumbled with confusion and anger. “HARRY!!!” I yell. He quickly looks over to me, his eyes swimming in tears, face contorted in agony. He is clenching his hands into fists as the man continues to screw him, the man who is clearly not paying attention, the man who needs to get his ass kicked. “Fuck! I have to help you!”_

_“N-no!” He shouts._

_“No? HARRY he is hurting you!”_

_“S-stay with me.” He sobs out._

_“What?” The man grunts from behind him._

_“HE ISN’T TALKING TO YOU!!” I scream at the top of my lungs pretending the world can see me. I can feel it, I can sense my energy moving to my leg, to kick out, to make the man fall over and DIE!!_

_“P-please.” He closes his eyes. “I need you h-here.”_

_“But I have to stop him! What about you?!” I am standing next to him, my hand hovering over his cheek pretending I am able to touch him._

_“I d-deserve it.” He opens his eyes again as fresh tears drip down his beautiful face._

_“Nobody deserves this.” I step away from him. “I can’t let this happen. I have to do something.”_

_“NO PLEASE!!”_

_“Who the fuck are you talking to!” The man shouts in confusion._

_“Fuck you…fuck you…FUCK YOU!” I will him to hear me._

_I search the bathroom attempting to find something to spook him with, to throw at his face, to make him_ STOP _._ Let me help you goddamn it. _I spot a trash bin on the ground knowing this is a solid option, a good distraction, a way to divert the man’s attention._ _I will all of my strength into my hands and throw it across the room watching it land and crash behind the two of them._

 _“What the fuck?” I gauge his reaction, search for fear on his face but nothing. The man is stone acting as if seeing a trash bin fly across the room on its own is a normal everyday occurrence. “This place is haunted too.” He grunts. He grips my friend’s waist once more and continues with more fervor._ And it’s wrong. So incredibly wrong that I have to witness this and not be able to do a damn thing!

_The only sounds I can hear is Harry's whimpers, his quiet sobs, his struggled breathing, his begging for the man to stop and show mercy._

_“Fuck.” I walk back over to him feeling sluggish. “Harry?”_

_“D-don’t leave me?” He cries. “Stay?” I nod a yes as a tear slides down my cheek. I want to be strong for him, give him support, show him I care…_

_“I want to touch you.” I say, lost in the moment. He looks so fragile, small, pained. His fingers keep tightening into fists as the man pushes into him._

_“I…I would-” His breath hitches. “Ugh…like that.” I stare into his eyes to draw his attention, keep him occupied, help him forget what he is enduring._ I have to help you…how… _The memory comes clear as day…the lyrics flooding my brain._

_“And it’s alright…” I start to sing as I look directly into his green bloodshot eyes. “Calling out for somebody to hold tonight…” He is watching back, staring into my soul. “…when you’re lost, I’ll find the way.” He scrunches his eyes closed as the man harshly thrusts into him. “I’ll be your light, you’ll never feel like you’re alone.” He climaxes with a grotesque moan and removes his fingers from Harry’s small waist, releasing him. “I’ll make this feel like home…” My friend takes one final breath and collapses to his knees, the man easily dropping him, discarding him. “Harry!” I stare in horror._

_“That was not as fun as I thought…You’re a pansy shit.” The man practically spits out as he buttons up his slacks._

_“Why you LITTLE-”_

_“L-Lou-” Harry chokes from his spot on the floor as he wraps his arms around his torso to protect himself._

_“Was that the last dude you screwed tonight?” The guy turns on his heel towards the door. “How many more will there be I wonder?” He chuckles and walks out of the bathroom leaving Harry on the ground, ass out, face red from tears, and completely lost._

_“Harry!” I sit next to him attempting to comfort him once again. He is just…a sobbing mess. “I couldn’t help you…I couldn’t do anything for you. I’m so useless.”_

_“L-Lou. I wanna go home.” He pleads. He closes his eyes and sinks deeper into himself as he continues to cry into his shirt. “Can you take me home?”_

_“Y-yes, Harry. I will take you home.”_

_“Now?”_

_“Yes, right now.”_

I just need the address.

_._

_._

_._

_._

_We’re in his bed._

_The ride was interesting…he simply cried into his hands unable to even look my way, the inner turmoil he must be experiencing leaving him speechless. I can only feel sorry for him…watch the pain spread across his face as he takes a deep inhale, the memories of the night flooding his thoughts, leaving him depressed, and forever scarred._ And I couldn’t do a fucking thing.

_He is facing me now, his eyes wide open, hands tucked under his pillow, face still sad, body trembling._

_“Louis?” He whispers._

_“Yeah?”_

_“I’m happy you’re back.”_

_“Me too.”_

_“You were gone for two days. I thought I lost you.”_ Two DAYS?!

_“Nope. I’m here. I’m with you.”_

_“Are you going to leave me?”_

_“Not if I can help it.” I smile._

_“What if you find yourself, will you forget about me?”_

_“No!” I yell. Harry seems unfazed. He is simply spent._

_“I thought you found your body and escaped. Left me to fend for myself, forgot everything we have.” He swipes at the fresh tears in his eyes. “I thought you were embarrassed of me, because of what I am, what I do.”_

_“I’m not! I swear-”_

_“And now after what happened tonight, I’m even more irresponsible and stupid, careless…tainted.” He starts to rub at his arms. “I can’t get the dirt off. I’ll be stained forever.” He starts to cry harder. “I hate myself.”_

_“Stop with these thoughts!! I’m not going anywhere. Please don’t do this!”_

_“Mom hates me too. It’s okay.”_

_“She doesn’t…”_

_“YES! She does!! She hates me and wants me to pay for destroying her life. It was my fault.”_

_“How was it your fault? What did you do?!” What I would give to touch him…sooth his aching heart._

_“I…I was a mistake.” He confesses. “My father never wanted me and when I was born he left because babies are expensive. I took away his booze money. I should have_ never _been born.”_

_“Do you seriously hear yourself?”_

_“It’s the fuckin TRUTH!!” He yells. He sits up and buries his head in his hands. “I see her face every night. That drunken stupor she finds herself in…the way she sneers at me, wishing I would just die already. Never exist…give her the extra cash to buy more alcohol, drown in her sorrows. It was all me.”_

_“That’s not true though!” I face him. “You’re drunk, you’ve been…hurt-”_

_“Raped. I was raped, Louis because I made a stupid choice and I deserved it.”_

_“No one deserves such foul treatment. Even if they made a few mistakes in their life…you’re allowed to FUCK UP!!”_

_“I’ve_ always _fucked up! I have no one because of it! No family, no friends, no_ home. _I am ALONE.”_

_“You’re a goddamn doctor, no? Are you not living in one of the most expensive cities in the US right now? Working? Having a respectable career…being respected by the hundreds of patience you see daily? I watched you…you love your job. It’s in your heart. You’re a kind soul, a beautiful person. Your sureness is not only in the bedroom. It’s in real life…and you use it every day!”_

_“I have no one to come home to.”_

_“You did that to yourself! But you didn’t do that with me. You’re improving.”_

_“You’re just stuck because no one else can see you.”_

_“I easily could have left any time I wanted right? Why when I was lost out there for two days did I try every second to come home to you? Can you tell me that? I need you.” I hiccup as I feel a sob crawl up my throat. “You’re everything to me.”_

_“I’m not…good to be around…you’ll eventually get sick of me and leave.”_

_“I’ve been here for what… almost four months? I have NO desire to leave and I don’t plan on it so PLEASE, Harry. Stop with the self-hatred and give yourself a little credit, a little love, some peace.”_

_“I felt your lips.” He says as he touches his own clearly ignoring my heartfelt speech._ I worked hard on that.. _. “When your smell invaded my nose I nearly lost it. I was asleep…dreaming…dreaming of you with me, holding my hand, whispering in my ear, kissing me on the mouth, touching my hair. I never felt so alive. But to actually wake up to your lips resting on mine? I was in heaven…I was content. I never felt so relaxed before.”_

_“You…what?” He was…dreaming about me?_

_“I went out tonight because I was angry and convinced you were gone for good. I was so hurt. So convinced you didn’t want me around anymore…I had to forget about my shitty life and forget you. I got completely drunk, went out looking for a good time, danced, kissed, did the unimaginable, got_ hurt _. And it was wrong. It was all wrong because you weren’t here with me. The condo felt so empty without your presence, without your scent, without your cheekiness and whit. Without you, I am simply an empty shell.” I am momentarily speechless. I can’t wrap my head around his confession, comprehend what he just told me. I feel good…wanted. “Don’t leave me again…please? I didn’t want you to fight off that guy because…” He shivers. “Because you’d disappear and I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I would have rather suffered through that with you…than be alone.”_

_“I will never leave you again.”_

_“I want you to come to work with me tomorrow.”_

_“I will.”_

_“You can follow me anywhere. I don’t care.”_

_“Absolutely.”_

_“You can even tell me how to clean the coffee table.”_

_“I already have.”_

_“You can remind me every time.”_

_“Oh you bet!”_

_“We can go for super long walks too.”_

_“I’d like that.”_

_“Learn more about the city.”_

_“Mmmhmm.”_

_“Learn more about you.”_

_“And help you too.” I add._

_“Yeah. Can we do that?”_

_“Anything for you.”_

_“Louis?”_

_“Yeah?” Harry lies back down._

_“Your song was pretty…just like you.” He closes his eyes and is asleep within minutes. I lie next to him and sing the chorus over and over again until I am fast asleep with him…_

He thinks I’m pretty.

_._

_._

_._

_._

Harry is driving them to work.

He wasn’t kidding, he needs Louis with him all the time, needs his calming demeanor, his aura, his scent. As long as he has the boy with him, he’ll make it through the day.

“Hmm hmm hmmm…” Louis is looking out the window while singing along to the song on the radio. Harry was oblivious to it up until now but…

“The song.” He says. The boy looks over at him.

“Yeah? What about it?”

“You sang this to me.” He points out. “Do you-” He looks at the display and sees the artists name. “Louis!!!”

“What did I do?!”

“IT’S YOU!!!” He pulls the car over and stops. “Shit, you’re…you…” He is pointing to the screen. The name ‘Louis Tomlinson – Home’ is there on display…in black and white, the answer right in front of them.

“No…” The boy stops for a moment to listen.

“Lou…that’s your voice.” Harry takes his phone out, searches the name and sure enough. “My god…” He stares at the boy on the screen. “And you’re…TWENTY ONE!!! Fuck YES.” He breathes a sigh of relief as he faces the phone towards Louis.

“What else does it say?!!! And HOT DAMN, I am adorable.” Harry skims the article he found…

“You’re an A list singer/song writer…your latest album is number one in twenty four countries…you’re considered an inspiration…motivational…you-” He stops before he continues on.

“HOLY FUCK-TART. I am a goddamn MILLIONAIRE!!!” He does a dance in his seat.

“…You’re in a relationship with a girl named Eleanor.” Harry whispers.

“I…uh…what?” Louis is quiet. “…oh…uh…” He trudges on ignoring that bit of information.

“You were in a major car accident four months ago. Your driver was killed instantly but you managed to survive. You are in a disclosed location.”

“And now I am a ghost. GREAT. Fucking great.” He throws his hands in the air. _Check Mr. Tomlinson’s vitals…the guard…_

“You’re at my hospital.” Harry recalls. _Simon fucking Cowell._ He starts to drive again.

“I am?”

“Yeah…I was there when your boss wanted to move you…”

“My boss?”

“Manager? I don’t know he’s a fuckin douche bag.”

“Simon!!!” He yells. “He is…not that bad?”

“Well, he wasn’t nice to my staff so he’s shit in my book.”

“If I am in your hospital…”

“I was right outside your room. They thought you were brain-dead but your monitor showed some activity.”

“We gotta go!!!”

“Absolutely, we’ll go! I’ll try and sneak up. You have guards outside your room.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, _dude._ You’re like…the fuckin Pop-Prince.”

“Nah you’re the prince. I’m just a singer.”

“Me?! HAH!! That’s funny. I’m more like the lowly subjugate.”

“I’m twenty-one.”

“Y-yes…you are.” Harry wants to scream…Louis is already in a _straight_ relationship. _And here I thought I had a goddamn chance…He is not even into men_.

“And you called me a KID!! HA!! Who is laughing now?”

“Not…me.” _I am not laughing in the least._ If anything he feels worse.

“What’s wrong?” Louis asks. Harry drives into the parking garage. “I thought you’d be a little more excited.”

“I am! Excited…just have a lot on my mind.”

“Like what?”

“We just found out _huge_ news. It’s a lot to absorb.” He pulls into a space and cuts the engine. “Come on. Let’s get going. Maybe I can convince my pain in the ass boss to put me on your floor.”

“Yeeeah!” They walk into the building in silence.

“Styles.” He stops dead in his tracks at the voice.

“Hi, Liam.” He cringes.

“Your shift started thirty minutes ago.” Dr. Payne looks down at his watch then back to Harry.

“I know. I’m sorry…I overslept.”

“Maybe you should consider partying less and concentrate on your residency and fellowship.” _He has NO fucking idea_ _what happened_.

“L-Liam I have to…” He stops and thinks it over. _Do I tell him? Is this something you share with your boss? Where do I even begin?_

“What?”

“I…um…” He looks to Louis who is wide-eyed. “Nothing…I’ll make up the time.” _No thank you…I’ll just go to the clinic after my shift for blood work…make sure I didn’t catch anything from that fucker._ “Oh does Danielle need help again?” Liam looks down at the clipboard in his hand.

“Um…actually yes.” Harry looks over to Louis with a grin.

“Great. I’ll be on my way then.” He starts to turn away.

“Harry.”

“Yeah?”

“…is everything alright? You seem a little off.” _I am awful thanks for asking._

“Yup. I’m okay. Just a little tired.” _And I have this incessant sting in my lower back…_

“Okay.” Liam nods and walks in the opposite direction. _Why the fuck would he care?_

“Are you okay?” Louis asks as they reach the locker room.

“No. I’m really not.” He finds his locker and enters the combination.

“Then why are we here? You need to speak to someone, make sure you’re okay.”

“Coming to work keeps me going…allows me to believe everything is in order, my routine like every other day, my life ordinary and not fucked up.” He swipes at his eyes hating his emotions, hating his sensitivity, hating his moments of weakness that leave him crippled. He hurts all over.

“You need to think about yourself!”

“I did Louis!! I do every fucking day! And look at what my selfishness brought me…Nothing except pain.” He quickly undresses and changes into his scrubs avoiding Louis’ piercing stare. He just wants to get out of here and onto the top floor to see the boy’s physical body.

“You were just sad though. It’s okay to be sad!”

“It was more than sadness…I may come off as confident but I am also really sensitive over certain topics. There is no in between.”

“That’s fine to be emotional. It shows you have a soul.”

“A soul, eh? And here I thought I was going to hell…” He walks to the door. “Come on.”

“You look cute in that coat.” The boy says as they walk to the elevator.

“T-thanks.” He whispers back with a smile.

“Makes you look super important.”

“I _am_ important.” He says under his breath.

“Psh…look at you now…”

“Oh shush.” They’re in the elevator.

“I’m nervous.” Louis says aloud. “What’s going to happen when I see myself so sick?”

“I’ll be right there with you.” He reassures. “I was not allowed to see your body last time. But you’ve been here awhile. I’m sure you’re just a little pale.”

“Oh like I am about to vomit or something?”

“Yeah…I guess.” The doors open and they walk down the hall.

“Shit Harry. I’m afraid.” The boy stops. “What if I disappear? Harry I can’t DO THAT!” Harry looks down the hallway in both directions before speaking.

“Lou, you have to be strong, alright? I don’t know what’s going to happen when you see yourself. I want to believe you’ll be okay…be with me and by _my side_. But you have to face it eventually.”

“But I already feel that pull.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I get this weird sensation underneath my skin…like my soul is being ripped from me. I have that feeling right now.”

“Is it strong?”

“No…but I feel it humming…like it’s ready to strike.”

“Uhm…okay maybe it’s because you’re really close?”

“But I’ve felt it before at the condo. It must be something else causing it.”

“Okay we’ll figure it out.”

“Sure…sure.”

“It’ll be alright.”

“I know…”

“So let’s go. I want to meet the real you.” He smiles.

“I am the real me!”

“No, the physical you.” Harry walks down the hallway towards the guard. “Hi, sir. I need to check on this patient.” His heart starts to race. _Fuck, Louis is right there…he is…right there._

“Where is Dr. Campbell?”

“She is checking on another patient and requested I do her rounds for her.”

“Oh…uh sure.” The man moves from the door. “There we go.” Harry pauses a moment before walking into the room that will no doubt smell of Louis.

“T-Thanks.” He clears his throat. “Thank you.” He tentatively walks in.

“Harry!” He looks behind him and the boy is…vanishing! He wants to panic but can’t in front of the guard without looking completely insane. He trudges into the room, his head heavy, heart racing, hands sweating. _He is just another patient. It’s okay._ He approaches the bed and lays witness to the physical body lying motionless. His breathe hitches in his throat at the sight…the boy before him is impeccable, so incredibly handsome Harry cannot believe his eyes. _It looks like he is sleeping…_

“Louis?” He extends his hand.

“Harry!!! I can’t…I’m…” He looks over towards the ghost who is practically invisible now and doubled over. Harry can barely make out his features. “Touch my hand I want to feel you.” He looks over at the heart monitor and it’s starting to pick up. “I feel weird. The pull…it’s taking me!!” He hesitates; his hand is hovering just over the boy’s dainty hand, the hand that he’s dreamed of reaching for, holding, feeling on him.

“L-Lou?” The heart machine is beeping in quicker succession. Harry closes the distance and takes hold of him. “M-my god.” Tears start to form in his eyes.

“I FEEL THAT!! I feel you. I feel it.” The beeping is so distracting. “Harry I’m losing control. I…” He looks up and the boy is gone.

“Louis? LOUIS!??” He is looking around the room. _His hand is so cute, I can’t let go._

“Doctor!” Harry turns back towards the boy ignoring the voice.

“I made it Lou. I’m here.” He squeezes. “Louis? Can you open your eyes for me?”

“Doc!” He feels a hand on his shoulder and quickly turns around immediately letting the boy go in fear of her noticing.

“Y-yeah?” He clears his throat and rubs at his eyes to rid them of the wetness. “I was just um…”

“That’s fine. Dr. Campbell was here earlier. I brought Eleanor. She hasn’t come in a few days and wanted to visit Louis.” The girl looks towards the monitor. “His heart…! Why is it doing that?!”

“I…don’t…” The boy is mesmerizing and Harry could literally stare at him all day. He can’t believe how his own heart is slamming in his chest, the very sight of him making him weak with lust and need. _You’re even more beautiful in person_. His hair looks so soft and lovely, the strands sitting perfectly across his forehead giving him a more youthful appearance. _All I have to say is…thank god he’s twenty one._  

“Harry, what are you doing in here?”

“Hi, Danielle. Sorry. I was just…” He backs away from the body all the while staring at the boy’s face.

“It’s fine…” She approaches the bed. “Charlotte, you and Eleanor can stay in here.”

“Oh…okay. Is there anything new?” The girl asks. The heart monitor continues to beep.

“ _No_.” Harry chokes out. He quickly leaves the room unable to be near the body, the lifeless form that is nothing like the boy Harry’s comes to known. _He is perfect._

“H-Harry.” He turns around and Louis is there once more practically transparent. He can’t do it here…not HERE. He runs to an empty room and quietly shuts the door needing a moment. He breaks down into his hands unable to keep it together any longer as his fucking emotions get the best of him. He feels the imminent sorrow creeping its way through his body and towards his heart, towards the realization that Louis and him will never be-

“There you are!” The boy approaches him.

“Here I am.”

“Why are you crying?”

“Uh…” He’ll be keeping his feelings to himself for… _ever_.

“That was so weird. I don’t know why that happened…but that’s the room!”

“Where did you normally go when you would vanish randomly?” Harry swipes his eyes and nose.

“It was always dark, like I was sleeping. But I appeared in that room before. When did you come up here last?”

“I don’t remember…couple of days ago? What’s it matter?”

“It was similar sensations…the way I was ripped out of my body last time. This was kind of the same.”

“How do you feel now?”

“It’s there. I can maintain control though.”

“I see. Maybe you’re close to your body so you feel it.”

“I wasn’t this close the last time. Something must have happened to make me come here that other time.”

“I don’t know, Lou.” He rubs his eyes. “I have to go back before Danielle notices. Are you alright?”

“For the most part.” Harry stands up.

“Okay.” He walks to the door.

“I felt you. I felt your hand on mine. It felt so strong and tender.” Louis hesitates. “I…I want to feel it again.” Harry’s hand is on the door knob ready to turn it. “Touch my face next time. What I’d give to feel your warmth on my cheek.”  

“We’ll never work, Lou. Don’t you understand?” He can’t face him.

“Why not? When I wake up-”

“Your _girlfriend_ is here visiting. Maybe that’s why you were drawn back…because of her.” He turns the nob.

“No! It wasn’t her…!”

“And how the _fuck_ do you know?”

“If she’s visited a few times before why hasn’t it happened then?!”

“LOUIS. I don’t _fuckin_ know!!!!” Harry grips his hair and tugs harshly. “I don’t know, alright? You’ve found your body. Maybe you can reconnect with it somehow…” He glances over his shoulder at the ghost. “I…I have to go back to work.” He leaves the room unable to read the expression on Louis’ face. He can’t bother with it now…he has a job to do, people to help, money to make, a life to live. _Without him…but it’ll be okay_. _I’ll be alright_.

_No I fucking won’t._

.

.

.

.

_Harry avoided my room and me in general for the remainder of the shift._

_He kept his eyes glued to his phone when there was an opportunity or if he was in between patients completely disregarding me, acting as if I was not there. His lack of attention is slowly killing me and destroying any chance I thought I had with him, any modicum of hope he will be mine when this is over. Is he acting this way because of some girl? Some girl I barely even recognize? Some girl who I could not care less about? Why would he think this changes how I feel about him? He’s all I want. Isn’t that enough?_

_I wish he could see how much he means to me…how much I care for him, crave for him,_ beg _for him. I come alive when he is near, my heart wakes up, beats a new melody bringing me such joy and pleasure. He is my prince…and I’ll be his…the moment I wake up. I’m all his._ I am yours!!

_“Lou it’s time to go.” Harry discreetly whispers. I am actually surprised he acknowledged me._

_“I’m ready to follow you to the moon and back.” I say with confidence._

_“Oh…okay. Did you see when Eleanor left?”_

_“Nope. And I don’t care.” I smile a toothy grin. “After you my fine prince.”_

_“Alright enough with the prince crap.” We walk down the hallway to the elevators and towards my room. It’s the strangest thing though…the pulling sensation was there all throughout the shift like a constant reminder of HEY!! YOUR BODY IS HERE! But it never felt like anything more…not until this moment. Like right now, we’re slowly approaching and it’s there…coming alive, putting itself center stage, burning like an itch I cannot scratch. Even with my sister and Eleanor in the room, it was nothing compared to this. We are so close now…And I feel it, the sensation is strong, so incredibly strong I can barely remain standing let alone walk the rest of the way. I watch as Harry continues to stroll down the corridor._ It must be me…it has to be because I’m here.

 _“Lou!” He whispers as he rushes over to me. “Are you okay?”_ Honestly, I’m shocked he cares.

_“Y-yes. It just um…felt it. Give me a second.” I say. “Go get the elevator I’ll be right behind you.” He simply nods his head and walks away as I attempt to regain my composure. I manage to look up and Harry is well past my room and nearly at the elevator. “Shit…what was that?” I start to feel the strength in my legs return, then arms and within seconds I am back to normal (well, as normal as I can get I suppose). I brush it off as it being another episode and run to my friend’s side._

_“Better?” He asks as he pushes the call button._

_“Yes. I am.” I smooth down my hair. “Was weird though…I never felt it so strong before.” We walk into the confines of the elevator._

_“You’re near your body. I’m sure anything is possible at this point.” Harry responds but he seems distracted, nervous almost._

_“Are you okay?” The car stops at the next floor and a figure walks in._

_“Hi.” At first all is normal but the moment the doors close Zayn is on Harry within milliseconds. I mean full on kissing him and cupping his face, grabbing his ass, touching him all over. My mouth falls open unable to believe the nerve this man has. I watch Harry’s mannerisms and he is just going with the flow like nothing happened…like last night never occurred, forgetting all about ME. I am thankful we reach the main floor because being in such close proximity of these two kissing is making me sick. “Follow me.” Harry eyes me wearily as the man drags him out of the elevator and down an empty hallway. I feel my cheeks heat up in anger._ He’s just going to screw this guy now?! _I follow them because I am not getting stuck here_

 _“You can stop him Harry! You don’t have to do this!!” I yell after him as I feel a hint of jealousy in my heart. It’s an awful feeling really. I wish for it to go away._ I liked not knowing what it was honestly _. He turns his head around and looks directly into my eyes conveying a message through his facial expressions letting me know…what? “You better not let him do anything to you!” He turns away as they enter a single stall bathroom, the door slamming shut behind them._ How…how in the fuck can he do this?! _“Harry!!! I know you can hear me! Please stop! You don’t have to live like this! You can be at peace…find someone who truly makes you happy, makes your heart content, makes you want to believe in_ LOVE _.” The noises are unmistakable…_ DAMNIT! _“I found mine you know…found the very person who makes me feel like that. Did you know? Do you even care?” They’re progressing quickly behind that door, the noises are prominent and recognizable. “Why can’t you just believe in yourself? Believe in me?” I sit beside the door and put my forehead to my knees understanding exactly what they’re doing. “Stop mistreating yourself. You can be so much more, you know? You’re so wonderful and special. A true gift to this world and more so to me.”_

 _I softly sob into the denim of my jeans as I hear what is transpiring just behind the door. My heart is aching for him, for me, for what we could and still become. Maybe I should just tell him how I feel. I thought I was being obvious but apparently it’s not sinking in, not penetrating that thick skull of his._ God, Harry. You’re so fucking stubborn and ignorant.

 _The door opens a little while later revealing the two men. Both their faces are indecipherable, their body language stiff, eyes aloof. I don’t know what this means…_ Post coital bliss? _I roll my eyes._

 _“You go first.” Zayn instructs. I barely look at Harry wanting to keep my own face hidden, to not reveal my anger towards him and his actions._ He is such an idiot _._

_“S-sure.” He starts to walk away but I remain on the ground not wanting to move just yet. He must know I am not following because he is dragging his feet._

_“Harry, hurry up will you?” Zayn’s voice sounds harsh. “I have to head back upstairs. I only had ten minutes.” Oh so this was planned, huh?_

_“I’m sorry.” He is out of view and I feel my hands start to sweat._ I can’t… _I run after him unable to control myself or my legs._

 _“So that’s what you were doing? Planning your next fuck? You know because last night wasn’t enough? Wasn’t enough to help you realize you’re hurting yourself?!” I yell at his retreating back. He doesn’t turn around just continues on his way._ Good. Now I can make him feel like SHIT _. “That’s right, keep walking away from your problems. I guess that’s what you do best!” He covers his face as he walks through the hospital and towards the locker room. “You planned this!!” I follow after him. “While you were blatantly ignoring me you were texting Zayn! What the fuck is wrong with you!” He is eerily silent. I am almost waiting for the explosion; in fact, I am shocked he hasn’t done so already. “You needed to get blood work done to get tested, not fuck around! If you caught something, Zayn has it now too! How could you do that to him, be so callous?!” I can’t stop…my mouth is just going. “You need to get your head out of your ass and open your fucking EYES.” He sits down on the bench and buries his head in his hands._ Am I getting through to him? _“I told you I was going to help you make friends, learn how to socialize and not use your body to get attention. But you’re doing exactly what you’ve always done!” I swipe at my eyes. “Now I’m all emotional. This is all your fault.”_

_“It’s always my fault.” He whispers. “I’m sorry.”_

_“Don’t apologize to me.”_

_“Why? I hurt you.”_

_“The only person you’re hurting is yourself.” I start to pace. “You have zero respect for those around you.”_

_“I respect you.” His face is still in his hands. “Always have and always will.” I walk over and sit on the floor in front of him._

_“It’s not about me though. It’s about you learning to deal with your shit. You can’t do this anymore. It’s already gotten you hurt.”_

_“Old habits die hard.”_

_“You need to make a change. Don’t you think it’s time?”_

_“I wanna go for a walk…wanna go for a walk?” He stands up and hobbles over to his locker._

_“We have to talk about this.”_

_“I really just wanna go for a walk and spend time with you.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Do I have to have a reason? Don’t friends want to spend time with one another just because?”_

_“Uh…”_ Friends _._

 _“Did you wanna wait for_ Eleanor _?” He practically spits._

_“No, Harry. Stop being a baby.”_

_“I’m not. I am simply asking a question.” He takes off his coat and scrubs. I note a white bandage in the crease of his elbow._

_“What’s that?!” I run to him pointing._

_“I got bloodwork done already.”_

_“Wait…when?”_

_“You were wandering around so I took the opportunity.” He throws on sweatpants and white t-shirt._

_“Oh…I thought you forgot.”_

_“No. I did not forget.”_

_“But you still could have transmitted something to that guy.”_

_“It’s called protection.” He shuts the locker and rubs his eyes. “I’m not that stupid.”_

_“I know that.”_

_“Can we go now?”_

_“Y-yeah?”_

_I follow him out into the early morning light and cannot help but take him in, take in his beauty, take in his very presence._

_Smitten. I am smitten and I can’t prevent it from overwhelming me._

_Essentially, I’m screwed._

_…and insanely jealous._


	6. Interlude: The Struggle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have no effect on myself.  
> It isn’t me.  
> It.  
> Isn’t.  
> Me.

_A week has passed since I’ve discovered my body._

_And I cannot get used to seeing myself lying there motionless, chest barely moving, life hanging on by a mere thread looking pasty white and gross. I’m sitting and waiting for any sign of life, hoping I awake soon. I want to prove every single doctor wrong, not be a statistic and SURVIVE this shit, walk around …be alive again!_ Be with Har-

_I shake my head at that thought because that’s just ridiculous._

_Silly Louis._

_Silly me._

_Silly heart._

_Silly dreams._

_Silly everything._

_I clear my thoughts, will all of my strength to my hand and reach out towards my physical self. I’ve practiced this a few times, managed to feel my cold skin, became terrified that I cannot elicit any sort of response from_ myself _with my very own touch. How is that possible? I am the keeper, the owner of this BODY and I cannot make the heart machine jump or open my eyes!?_

 _What caused it in the past then? What powerful force is making those bouts of life occur? Am I missing something? I poke my finger into the soft tissue of my_ physical _bicep and wait for a response or some sort of reaction and no._

 _“What the FUCK!!” I yell. “Wake up you shit! Stop sleeping…it’s_ time _to get up and do something!” I flail my arms in the air in aggravation attempting to relieve some stress. I lean over and speak right into my face. “Don’t you understand? Life is waiting. The clock is ticking. The fans are expecting a comeback! They need you and you’re lying here like a big useless lump!!” I look at every feature on my face. “You’re just wasting away…skipping the most important years of your life! Don’t you see?” I point to the heart machine. “Wake the_ fuck _up goddamn it!” I want to shake my shoulders in anger. “GRRR!!! I hate you!!” I run my hands through my hair and start to pace._

_Of course his face pops up my in head. Of course that beautiful smile makes my legs weak. Of course those eyes seep into my soul making my heart pause. Of course I feel that longing in the pit of my stomach. I stop in place and look up._

_“He’s waiting, asshole. He is_ fucking _waiting. We might have a chance don’t you see? We might have a chance with him. I mean it sounds crazy…trust me I know but what if we win? What if we win him over and make him fall in love-…oh my god. Love?” I clutch at my chest. “Is that what this was? I thought it was jealousy. Isn’t it?!” I start to tug on the hem of my t-shirt. “RIGHT?! Are my senses not as strong as a ghost? If I wake up will I be able to decipher these emotions? It must be lust…right? Lust. Yeah, lust.” I release the cotton and look at my face. “It’s lust, Lou. That’s all. But a chance…for him to kiss us on the lips and be able to feel everything…not fear of disappearing…not fear of disappointing him.” I touch my lips. “I want him.” I whisper. “SO WAKE UP!!”_

_There are faint voices coming from the hallway drawing my attention away from my rant. I start to feel that pulling sensation all over again, the sensation that has not been present since I arrived on my own._

I have no effect on myself.

It isn’t me.

It.

Isn’t.

Me.

_The pain bursts from my chest sending excruciating heat throughout my body and limbs. I ache. I hurt. I long for this…_

_“Lou?” He’s there in the doorway and I immediately collapse to the ground._


	7. Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My hand is on fire.  
> That touch was magic.  
> My body is betraying me.

“Are you going to buy my albums?” The boy asks.

They found a patch of grass off the redwood trail in Golden Gate Park soaking in the sun. Harry is convinced Louis has never looked as breathtaking as he does now and he cannot divert his gaze.

“Of course.” He replies quickly. “I have to learn all the lyrics so I can sing along.”

“Good. We can sing together!” He jams his finger in the grass. _Together…Yes, we can do anything you want…as long as we’re together._

“Can you feel that?” Harry is staring at the top of the boys head.

“Yes. I’ve learned to focus.”

“How do you feel?” He probes. He crosses his legs and leans in wanting to fill his nose to the brim with the boy’s scent.

“Surprisingly good.” Louis runs his tiny hand over the blades. “Coming in contact with my body helps.”

“You should continue going back then. Maybe you’re ready to wake up.” He was not very fond of the idea of the boy being holed up in the hospital to speak to his body, to ‘encourage’ himself to wake up. What if the boy fails? _What if he goes away…?_

“I don’t…know. I’m just a vegetable.” He plays with the dirt. “I’m so close, yet so far away.”

“Give it time. Your body responded a few days ago so obviously there is something there.”

“I guess. I just feel so inadequate.”

“Seriously? Most people do not go through this sort of thing.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I guess…you have a point. But when they wake up-”

“Most DON’T wake up!”

“And _most_ live. So cut the crap.”

“Why don’t people talk about their time being a ghost then? Why don’t they tell their doctor? Do they forget?”

“Louis-”

“What if I can’t remember?!” The boy sounds hysterical. “What if I can’t _remember_ you?!”

“I’ll be there-”

“What if when I wake up you’re _not_ there? What if we’re on one of our walks and I disappear and you’re NOT there?!”

“I’ll know immediately where to go when that happens.” The boy is freaking him out. _Shit…_

“What if I open my physical eyes and you’re not the first person I see?” Harry is staring at the fringe willing Louis to lift his head. “What if I am not allowed to see anyone? Or speak to anyone? What will I do?!” His shoulders start to visibly quake.

“Hey now, don’t worry. You’ll have your sister, manager, everyone you knew before. It’ll be like old times.”

“I don’t _remember_ the old times. I only remember you.”

“I’m sorry I am your only memory.” He tugs on his hair.  “I hope you’re not disappointed.”

“I don’t _want_ anything else.” He feels his heart start to race. “I only want to see you.”

“Can you look at me?” He asks gently. The boy is opening up and he hates not being able to read him.

“It’s easier if I don’t.”

“What’s easier?” _I need to see your face!_ The boy is quiet, looking down at the dirt, his fingers gliding through the blades of grass as if he were…whole. “Lou, please talk to me.”

“It’s you.” He says finally. His voice is a whisper, barely audible.

“It is me. I’m right here!” He points to himself. “Look at me!”

“No…! It’s _YOU!!”_ Louis lifts his head. “You cause me to disappear. You make me _want_ to go back to my body…it all makes sense.” _Is he fucking kidding me?_

“Me? How?” He scans the area ensuring no one is around. “How can you say that?”

“When I was _called_ back to my body, you visited the ward, confirmed I was pronounced brain-dead, no? And then the second you show up, I come alive. Just a week ago, you show up and my body responds to your presence like it _knows_ you.”

“But…how?” The butterflies in his stomach are making him ill. “You’re saying-”

“If you stay in my room long enough, it may help me reconnect with my physical form.”

“This is insane. How can I possibly have this effect on you? I never met the _real_ you!”

“You met my aura, my astral form. I guess it knows…speaks with my physical self in the hospital.”

“This is insane you know that?”

“Why? Why is it insane?”

“Because this shit happens in movies! Not in real life!”

“How are we having this conversation then, huh?”

“I don’t…have that answer.”

“You’re keeping me alive by awakening my soul.”

“Awakening your…soul?” He continues tugging on his hair. “I’m just a fucked up guy! How could I possibly be awakening anything?”

“Jesus Christ, Harry. You’re not an ordinary person!”

“Yeah I’m a piece of shit that came from a fucked up family.”

“You are so much more than that. So much!”

“Nope. I’m really not.”

“Ugh!! You’re so freakin stubborn!”

“Possibly.”

“No YOU ARE! And what’s the deal with Zayn, huh? Why’d you do that?” Harry rolls his eyes. He was hoping the kid forgot about that…

“Wait a sec, I thought we were discussing you and awakening your soul.”

“Remember that whole conversation concept we discussed a while back?”

“Um…yeah.” Harry finally stops tugging his hair and relaxes his hands in his lap.

“This is one of those things where we talk about me then talk about you.”

“Alright?”

“So, why the hell did you text Zayn?” _Because you have a girlfriend and I needed to feel wanted._

“No reason.”

“Harry, stop lying to me. I’m tired of it.”

“I am doing nothing of the sort…lying…come on, me?”

“Fuck you.” The boy spits. “If you’re not going to open up then I don’t want to talk to you.” Harry almost falls over…he _needs_ the boy.

“You’re bluffing.” He hopes...goodness he hopes. _My heart can’t take the pain._

“ _No_ I’m not.” Louis stands up and walks towards the path.

“Wait! No please!” He begs from his place on the ground as he extends his hand out. “ _Please_ don’t leave me. I can’t bear being away from you.” Louis turns around at that. “I need you.”

“Then just _tell me_ why you contacted Zayn.”

“It’s…” He can do this. He knows he can…but why is it proving to be so difficult? “Uhm…see…well okay. Let me start over…”

“Cat got your tongue?”

“GRRR don’t use my lines!!!” He throws his hands out.

“SPIT IT OUT!!” The boy stomps his feet in the dirt.

“I called Zayn because I needed to feel like someone wanted me kind of like what you have with Eleanor. Happy now?”

“You wanted attention?”

“YES. Now can we move on?”

“No! I’m not done yet…I am finally getting some place.”

“ _Please_ sit back down.” Harry points to the ground.

“Since you asked so nicely…” Louis plops down in the grass. “You do not need attention like that you do realize right?”

“Well, it’s all I know.”

“I thought I helped you converse? Make friends? Are _you_ my friend?”

“I am your friend. I enjoy being your friend…you make me…happy.” Harry plays with his fingers.

“See? Isn’t it easier confessing while _not_ making eye contact?”

“It is actually.” He lifts his head with a smile. “I won’t call Zayn anymore. I…I didn’t even feel sated afterwards…felt off.”

“You need to promise yourself that, not me.”

“I promise you and me. I will no longer use him for a booty call.”

“Or when you want attention.”

“Precisely. I’ll call him if I want to…do _friend_ things.”

“Oh so now he’s your best buddy?”

“Best human buddy.”

“But I thought…”

“Lou, you need to wake up first. And when you do…” He runs a hand through his hair. “I want to spend every waking second with you.” They finally make eye contact.

“…You do?” Louis gulps. “You actually want to spend time with me?”

“I…do. I said I can’t stay away anymore.”

“Then I want to wake up. Like right now.” The boy starts to stand. “Let’s go, I can’t do it alone.”

“What?” He hesitates… _he’ll leave me…_

“Did you not hear me? I want to wake up so we can spend time together.” Harry dips his head again. “Are you just talking out of your ass?”

“NO! I’m not.” He plays with the grass under his fingertips. “See…I’m just afraid you’ll go away and disappear for real. Be confined to a recording studio or be forced to do endless amounts of interviews. Be a freakin super-star. Have a _life._ ”

“Do you realize I pay my managers who _force_ me to do that shit? So I can easily say ‘Uh no, I want to be with Harry. Please kindly fuck off?’ I am a person, not a puppet.”

“I know. I still have my doubts.”

“Well don’t because I know how I feel…uuhhhh I feel…the grass under my butt!” The boy attempts to recover. “Yeah the grass…so soft…” He face plants into his palm.

“Are you ashamed of those feelings?” He asks in a whisper. “Do you _not_ like having them towards me?”

“It’s just…embarrassing admitting them to you.”

“But you’re staring at your palm, so you’re technically not admitting them to me.”

“Harry, really?” The boy looks up but his eyes are diverted, looking at anything but him.

“Now it’s your turn. If you won’t be honest, I don’t want to talk to you anymore.” He starts to stand.

“You won’t go.” Louis says in a hushed tone. “You can’t leave me.”

“And how do you know that?”

“Because you want me too.” Harry sits back down and crosses his legs.

“You made me realize something.” He inadvertently reaches out to Louis wanting to feel his skin. “I should learn to get to know someone first. Maybe become their friend...well not even friend, but just get to know that person and learn their quirks. Understand what makes them smile, what interests them…Not simply know what angle they prefer to be laying in while being screwed. It’s important absolutely, but not the _only_ thing. There is so much more to learn and do! And that’s what we did.”

“We…did.” Harry reaches out again.

“Damnit I want to feel you.”

“If I try hard enough…”

“No! You’ll disappear.”

“I know but I don’t care.”

“ _I do._ I can’t lose you yet…am I being selfish?”

“Yes. You’re not thinking about what I want…what I want to do.”

“What do you want to do then?”

“Kiss you.” His mouth drops open. “Now look at whose catching flies?” Harry blinks a few times unable to really absorb what this kid is saying to him. “That’s not the reaction I was hoping for…”

“What else do you want me to do? I can’t touch you.” He clasps his hands in his lap, tightening his fingers. “This has been so difficult…not having my way with you, not being able to graze your lips with mine, touch your hair, hold your hand, support you. I don’t know…Ugh I sound so sappy and stupid.”

“It’s not though!! People want to hear stuff like that! Not just… ‘Stick your dick in my ass’. Like really?”

“ _I know_ but that shows weakness!”

“What weakness?! That you care for someone? Want something more than just a one night stand? Harry, open your eyes and look at what’s in front of you! Look at who is sitting here…confessing…well confessing their feelings for you.” _Louis likes me…I mean of course he does_. “Do you even feel the same way?” The boy’s eyebrows are scrunched together, eyes grave, lips in a thin line.

“Louis….I-” Is he even capable of these feelings? Can his mind finally be at ease and expose himself? Open up? Succumb to his desire to be with this boy? Can Louis shatter his impenetrable wall?

“ _What!!”_ The boy yells.

“I…” He looks away a moment. “I’m going to the hospital.”

“THE FUCK, Harry!” He stands up without glancing back. “You’re serious! You are fucking leaving me here because I confessed my feelings for you?!”

“What I DO is my goddamn business and I do not have to explain my behavior to _anyone_.” _I want to tell the real you…hold your hand…confess to your face just how badly I’ve got it for you. How you make me feel…Awaken MY soul. Bring me light, give me hope…Louis…I-_

.

.

.

.

_I followed him out of the park and to his car._

_Harry barely looks my way, disregards my pleading to just open up to me and tell me what I’ve been waiting to hear._

_“Please just talk to me. I need to know.” I beg. My emotions are running wild as if this very man holds the key to my heart, the key that will give me life, the key to eternal happiness. “Please!!” The car picks up speed down the interstate and I actually want to crawl out of my skin the further we go. It’s like I am reliving the car accident all over again, experiencing every emotion I felt for those few terrifying seconds; the pain, the injury, the noise, the fear of never waking up. “This was the place.” I whisper. Harry of course doesn’t answer. “This is where that truck lost control and hit us…I remember it exactly…I was in the backseat looking out the window, admiring the world outside the confines of my car, a world I have not been able to explore properly because of who I became. I just hung up with my sister, kicked off my shoes…and all went dark.” I swipe at my eyes unaware of the tears that formed there. “I fell unconscious immediately…I guess I hit my head pretty hard.” I involuntarily touch the side of my head. “It was right here. This spot…it feels tender still. Like it’s still healing.”_

_Harry is still silent next to me, his face is masked, devoid of any emotion, like stone._ Does he hate me now? Will this be how it ends? _The air between us is changing; the once comfortable silence is now anything but. I feel his anger radiating off of him like he wants me to go away forever, wake up so he can move on with his life. He probably wants to be left alone now…to move on and meet a_ real _person. Not babysit some child._

 _We reach the hospital and head straight up to my floor. I am immediately greeted with that awful pain of being ripped in two, my soul being stripped away, pulled into oblivion. But this time, it’s much more concentrated, more substantial like it’s the final time I will be in this form._ It’s him…my body knows him.

_“H-Harry I feel different.” He trudges down the hall, his hand buried in his hair, his face still veiled. “Please look at me!” I cry towards him. “I think…I think this is it.”_

_“I need to go in there.” Harry tells the guard._

_“Sir, I cannot do that. In fact, civilians are not allowed on this floor unless you’re part of the medical staff.”_

_“I AM part of the staff just not on the clock. I need to speak to this gentleman.” He points to my body and shit I feel it…I stumble over to the wall clutching at my stomach._ It’s…this is different _._

_“That’s not allowed.”_

_“You don’t understand, I live in his condo, Louis has been with me for_ months _now. I need to wake him up and only I can do that.”_ Only you…only YOU CAN damn it.

_“Nurse! Can you please escort this man out of here?” The guard speaks up._

_“Doctor! You need to leave!” A random nurse who I have never seen before approaches a very flustered Harry. I start to keel over; the pain in my abdomen is sharp and unrelenting._

_“I…I can’t leave. Louis has to wake up now.” I can barely lift my head._

_“S-shit Harry.” My knees give and I fall to the ground._

_“Stop SIR you cannot go in there!!” I hear a door slam shut and that’s it…I…_

_“Lou-” I hear the voice in my head…I feel…my hand feels warm, protected, enclosed in something strong. “Louis, come on. Open your eyes for me?” Is he…Harry is…I am lying on the ground, my body completely useless, limbs like lead, stomach in knots, head throbbing. I hear the guard in the background slamming his body against the door trying to get in but it’s useless…the staff is useless…Harry is… “Louis, Louis please. Feel me touching you, hear my voice, listen to my heart.” My body is humming all over, the pulling sensation now taking over, everything is tingling, waking up. The blood is flowing through my veins, oxygen flooding my lungs. “I found the person who makes me content, brings me peace…makes me truly happy.” My hand is…on fire. “You. It’s you, Louis. You make me whole, completely fill me with light and such warmth. You showed me what life is and what it has to offer.”_

_“OPEN UP THE DOOR! We are calling the police!!!” I ignore the shit happening around me._ It’s okay Harry. Continue…

 _“I no longer want to live through it alone. I want you…by my side, always.” I attempt to move my hand to squeeze back…open my eyes, show him I can hear him… “Yes…show me your eyes, please? I have to see the real you…want you to witness how I feel.” I try and speak but nothing comes out…_ Why can’t I… _“Just open…come on.” I concentrate on my lids, will them to open on their own, make some sort of movement. “L-Louis, I love you.”_

_._

_._

_._

_._

Harry is staring into his eyes, Louis’ scent consuming him, his love for the boy surging under his skin.

“Louis.” He swipes at his cheeks. “Louis you’re here.” His heart is bursting with happiness, his mind reeling, hands sweating uncontrollably. He’s touching him….physically touching him, and staring into his beautiful blue irises and memorizing every inch of his face. “Hi.” He can’t help but smile.

“OPEN THIS GOD DAMN DOOR!!!” He hears the yelling from the hallway.

“I did it Lou. I woke you up.” He squeezes the boy’s hand relishing in the feel of it, the daintiness, the sheer joy he is receiving from such a simple connection. Louis eyes him wearily and starts to pull his hand away. “I’m sorry. I can’t help it…I just…I can’t believe…” The boy looks towards the door, his face contorting in confusion, his mannerisms becoming erratic. The heart rate monitor is picking up its pace as if he is scared…worried? “Lou, it’s me.” Harry clutches Louis’ hand tighter. “No, just…ignore the yelling. They’re here for me…they want-” The door flies open.

“Remove this man from the room immediately!” It’s Simon…that awful man.

“No! Louis…” Harry faces the boy but it’s like he doesn’t exist, he is only looking at Simon, pleading with his eyes. “Lou…?” Louis pulls his hand away clutching at his throat and the oxygen mask resting on his face.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?!” The Manager walks over and points his finger directly into Harry’s face.

“I…I um…” _What’s happening?_

“Paul, please? Remove him?” Harry is willing the boy to look at him, recognize him, show some sort of sign that they know one another…know that he is indeed in love with him. The guard takes hold of his bicep.

“You don’t understand! He’s…wait!” Danielle and Charlotte walk into the room.

“Dr. Campbell, this gentleman here broke into the room and-”

“LOUIS!!!!” Charlotte runs over to the boy and clutches his face in her hands. “My dear brother…you’re here…you’re awake…!!!!”

“Please let him go? Harry would never intentionally hurt Mr. Tomlinson. I can assure you.” Danielle speaks up. “Paul? It’s okay.” Harry pushes the man away and hesitates a moment. _He isn’t looking at me…he’s transfixed on the girl…okay fine, it’s his sister, his own flesh and blood, of course he…_

“He is touching his throat. Can we take this out?” Charlotte asks Danielle.

“Y-yes. Of course…uh…yeah.”

“How dare you just barge in here! What do you think you’re doing?!” Simon is yelling at Harry but really? He can’t stop staring at the boy…

“This may feel a little awkward…blink for me if I hurt you okay?...Alright…here we go…” He hears Dr. Campbell in the background. “He seems to be coherent.”

“Hey! You piece of scum look at me!”

“Fuck you.” Harry faces the man.

“You have no right to be here. So I suggest you get the fuck out!”

“PLEASE!!! Louis is awake!!! Can we not fight now?!” Charlotte yells at the two of them.

“Good…it’s out. Can you breathe?...Yeah? Good. Don’t talk right away. Give your throat a rest.” Danielle backs away. “Charlotte, just be gentle okay? I am not one hundred percent sure he’ll be okay breathing on his own.”

“Louis…my god Louis…I’ve missed you…I’m so happy you’re here.” He smiles towards his sister and Harry may have melted into a puddle on the floor because my god…he’s just so beautiful in person. “We can maybe take you home soon…maybe go back to the condo?” He feels his heart stop in his chest. “I heard we found a suitable renter for the time being…they are excellent tenants from what I’ve heard.”

“It was me.” Harry speaks up. Louis _finally_ looks his way but shit…there is no recognition there. “I’m the renter. I live there…and um…”

“You? But you’re the doctor…?” Charlotte looks between them.

“It was convenient…right by my job.”

“Oh…look at that Lou. You had a doctor living in your place. Hopefully he cleaned the coffee table correctly.”

“Yup! Can’t spray the glass…” He trails off… “Never mind.” The boy looks to his sister then back to Harry. _Does he know me?_

“Okay, visiting hours are over. Now get out!” Simon pushes Harry away from the bed and towards the door.

“No! Wait! Louis…please. Do you…do you remember me?” He pleads. _Am I crying? Am I fucking crying? Of course I am…the man that I am in love with doesn’t recognize me._ Louis looks to his sister and clutches her hand. “No…remember the coffee mugs? Or or…our walks? The sand?” The boy is blank, in fact he looks confused, the look in his eyes off putting. “Do you know who I am?” Harry eyes the other people in the room who must find him absolutely insane. “You saved me!”

“Alright that’s enough. You’re confusing him more than he already is!” Simon continues to push him out of the room as Harry eyes the boy, begging him to look his way.

“I…I love you, damn it. Don’t do this!”

“Blah blah blah…What are you a teeny bopper?! Grow up!”

“No! You don’t understand!!!” Harry wants to fight this guy, punch him in the face, show Louis that he needs him. “I love you, Louis. I love you so much. You saved me…Remember…please remember!”

“If you do not leave I will call the cops and ensure you are fired from the hospital!!” Simon yells. Danielle takes Harry’s hand and gently pulls him.

“Harry come on…let them speak to Louis. He needs to be in a calm environment…you’re increasing his heart rate!”

“B-But…no.” He looks at the boy one last time before the door is slammed in his face cutting him off from Louis, the only person who has succeeded in breaking his wall, helped him open up, be _normal_. “How can’t he remember me?” He chokes on a sob. “Danielle, he has to…please let me try!”

“No! How could you possibly do that? You could lose your job! Go home!! Go straight home and sleep. You can’t be here anymore!”

“But I…” If Harry goes home, he will have to face the life he had with Louis, face every memory, every thought he had, every dream he dreamt. “I can’t go back there.” _I’ll be so broken without him._

“Then go somewhere because you cannot stay here!” She nudges him down the hallway.

“He _is_ my home!!” _And without him, I have nothing. I am nothing._

.

.

.

.

_My hand is on fire._

_That touch was magic._

_My body is betraying me._

Louis touches his throat wanting to speak, to call out to a nurse, but everything is dry and scratchy.

He is looking around the now empty room wondering how long he’s been here, how much time he has left, and if he can eat a cheeseburger. It was difficult waking up in a strange room, with no recollection as to what happened, not fully understanding the extent of his injuries. It took him a good hour to wrap his head around the accident, the severity of it and just how close he was to death. He is beyond grateful he survived and will make sure he lives his life to the fullest, be a little reckless, maybe only clean the condo twice a week rather than four.

He eventually went on social media to read through the posts his fans left for him. He still cannot believe that after all of this time they’re still thinking of him, praying for him, supporting him. _They’re the best_ … _and scary as hell if you get on their bad side!_ He wanted to respond to every single message but Simon warned him to wait until they make an official announcement of his recovery, saying it’s proper for them to make a public appearance. _Whatever_. _As long as I get to say what I NEED to say…_

He shuts his eyes to relax and maybe take a nap…

_Those green eyes._

_That smile._

_Those hands._

_Lips._

_I want them._

.

.

.

.

He’s facing his mother, body trembling from head to toe, his heart aching at the sight of her sickly form, her apparent lack of care willing him forward. He wants to believe this was her own fault, the state of her well-being the result of her indolence. But deep down he knows…he _fuckin_ knows.

The liquor bottle is on the floor by her feet, the contents drained, the last few drops making their way to the sticky carpet adding to the multitude of stains marring the floor. The place is filthy, the air reeking of stale liquor, his very own _mother_ half dressed in the armchair adding to the poor state of the apartment. It’s a horrid sight…and it never gets easier to witness.

Her head is resting on the back of the chair lolling to the side, mouth ajar, limbs slack, breathing shallow and coming in quick puffs. If it weren’t for her chest moving and the slight snore hitting the back of her throat, he would believe she was dead. _It would be a blessing_.

Harry tentatively approaches her taking in her appearance and feels the flood of emotions consume him. This is a common occurrence, him coming home to his drunken mother, finding her in that once white armchair, dealing with house chores, being berated, doing his homework, making dinner... _I was too young damn it!_

“Fuck you.” He whispers under his breath as he swipes at his eyes. “I fucking hate you. I hate what you’ve done to me, forced me to do, made me believe. You deserve this and I refuse to help you.” He feels himself become hysterical; his entire day quickly turned to shit and why he decided to come here to his mom’s apartment is still up for debate. He knows she only makes him feel worse, makes him feel inadequate, helpless, and so fucking weak that he legitimately wants to end it all, end himself, and end this pathetic existence. He gingerly sits down on the lumpy couch cushion and buries his head in his hands sobbing quietly. “Mom, why? Why is this so important to you? Why can’t you see this is no way to live?” He wipes at his nose and looks over to her. “Why do you think drinking like this will make it all go away? Make the pain disappear? I know you still miss dad and I know you want to blame me for it but I didn’t do anything. I was only a child trying to live a normal life, make friends, go to school. But you took that _away_. Made me grow up too fast…be responsible when I should have been living carefree.” He dips his head as he continues. “And now I’m living with this guilt that should not have been my burden to bear, to feel, to ever have to endure. It’s _yours_ and I can’t even function properly because of it! And here you are in your drunken stupor just like the old days, getting your fix.” The tears are relentless now. “You scarred me, you know? You made me this way…And I want to change it, change you, and change me. Make everything right again.” He takes her hand in his knowing damn well she can’t hear him. “Mommy?” He whispers. He feels her stir underneath his touch. “Please consider.”

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.

.

.

Louis is scanning the faces in front of him.

He recognizes them, it’s no question, Lottie, Simon, Paul…even his mother showed up to say hello. But who was that other person? The one holding his hand? He still can’t get those green eyes out of his mind, like they’re forever tattooed behind his eyelids, almost like a constant reminder of something. He just cannot recall…who…and most importantly why.

He tries to think back to a concert or an interview the person may have attended. Maybe he was part of the audience, a caller, or just a face he remembers on the street. He definitely met him at some point in his life and is failing to resurrect the memory. _But why on earth can I remember everything else?!_

“Okay, so the Doctor said you can go home in a _WEEK!!_ ” Lottie jumps for joy.

“Good because I’m tired of having my ass out all the time.” The hospital gown is terrible. His entire back is exposed for the world to see and he just wants to put on a pair of sweats and baggy t-shirt and call it a day. He has physical therapy in a few and ugh…he needs privacy. “Am I going back to the condo? Or the house in Miami?”

“The condo is closer. We can easily sneak you in without the paparazzi finding out.” Simon speaks up. “I scheduled a phone interview with KIIS FM for next week. Kind of like your come back.”

“Alright, that sounds good.” Shit, it’s only been a month since he woke up and Simon is already down his throat to get back into the spotlight. But he misses his fans…needs the interaction and most of all, he needs out of this place.

“I’ll call Niall to ensure the tenant is out by the end of the week.”

“Someone is living at my place?” He asks. “What the fuck!”

“Yea he was a cute doctor. Works here actually…speaking of I haven’t seen him…” Lottie says.

“He was a nuisance. Let’s not discuss it further. Any who, yes we had a temporary guest. The Landlord did not want the condo sitting empty. Something to do with the pipes. Who knows…I’ll call a cleaning service.” His manager adjusts his tie and stands.

“Where is my stuff?” Louis asks as he absently rubs his head.

“Storage. The building had a place in the basement for your clothes and other personal items. Alright let me call this guy.” The man walks out of the room.

“Did you want to see Eleanor?” His sister asks.

“Absolutely. Where is she?”

“She was out shopping-”

“Hey!! Look at what I brought!” His girlfriend approaches the bed. _Girlfriend. Interesting._ She kisses him on the mouth. _She does that a lot._

“What’s that?” She holds up the bag from B. Patisserie. “OH YES!! Thank you!! Some real food.” He grabs the bag from her and digs in. “This is heaven…” He pauses a moment lost in thought… _I love this pastry. I do. But why does it feel…whatever_.

“You’re welcome. You are getting too thin anyway.” She comments.

“El, he’s been in the hospital six months. Are you joking? We’re lucky he’s alive!” Lottie comments.

“I want him to be healthy before he starts recording again! He needs his strength!”

“He needs to RELAX!! My god! What is your problem?!”

“Um…hi yeah so I’m sitting right here.” Louis takes another bite of the pastry and puts it away feeling sick. “Too sweet I think.” He shrugs. “Let’s be off then, I have therapy.”

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.

_Harry is sitting on the hospital bed staring into beautiful blue eyes._

_He’s memorizing every feature, every dip, curve, freckle, birthmark, any unique feature that makes Louis…Louis. And he can simply stare all day and night. Savor in the feel his very presence emanates, be this content always. He leans in and kisses him on the lips._

_“I love you.” He says. “I love you so much.” He brings their lips together once more and takes the boy’s small hand in his. “I can’t wait to take you home so we can finally be together. We’re going to have to make room in the closet for your clothes…I guess that will be easy. I can donate all of those flashy shirts I have. I don’t need them anymore…I’ve got you, forever. Unless you like them…please say you don’t because ugh…I hate them.” Harry continues unable to close the floodgates to his heart. “We can buy a new coffeemaker too. I think I broke the one you had...You know it’s odd…for someone who hates coffee, why did you have a pot? Oh well.” He smiles to himself and shrugs. “It doesn’t matter. I’ve got you, you’ve got me. We can make a life_ together _.” He can’t help but kiss Louis again. “Sorry. I can’t stop. I just love the feeling of your lips.” Louis is simply staring, listening, face blank but Harry continues on. “Anyway, how long did they say before you can be discharged?” He is met with silence. “Earth to Lou?”_

_“Never.” Louis responds with a clipped tone. His voice sounds off, pained, full of anguish and confusion. “I can never leave here because I didn’t make it. I’m dead.”_

He jolts up from the nightmare. _Dead…dead…dead_.

_I’m dead to him…I do not exist in his eyes…I am a nobody, a face, figment of his imagination._

“He doesn’t know me.” He sobs out and buries his head in his hands allowing the tears to flow.

The crying never stops, the depression always burning just beneath his skin, the emptiness consuming him. His heart aches, body is weak, soul ripped in two. _I think I know what that feels like Lou, to be ripped in two because…you hold the other part of me. My other half. The_ important _half_. He lies back down on the bed, well Louis’ bed, and takes a deep breath in hopes of catching that familiar smell…but the air is blank, odorless, completely devoid of any happiness that once resided there.

And Harry is alone.

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.

She starts in a new treatment facility next week.

Harry enrolled his mother after he received his acceptance letter to the Texas Children’s Hospital and figured it’s now or never. He needs it…his mother needs it…they need it therefore they’re leaving in two days, packing up their belongings and leaving California forever. It’ll be a great way to start over, to create new memories, live a life in peace, heal. This city holds nothing for either of them so there is no point in staying and letting go was the easiest part.

He’s been sitting on the terrace all afternoon taking in the beautiful day, hoping the news of relocating will change his mood but it’s all the same. Nothing has changed. He is still missing Louis, still achingly in love with him, and he’s never felt worse. He had the boy in his hand, literally in his hand, and he could not incite any memories. Louis was confused, completely lost…he did not know who Harry was and that’s what hurts the most. The vacancy he found in the boy’s eyes was so painful to witness which easily surpassed any horrible memory he’s had from being a child. The very person he fell in love with does not know him, does not know he exists and that just leaves him bereft. _He is the only person I have yearned for, cared for and fuck of course when I open up this happens._ It’s Harry’s luck. He’s surrendered…thrown in his towel, gave up completely on _ever_ having a chance with the kid. He knows it’s useless…knows it would have never worked between them…knows an A-list celebrity like him could never be seen with a piece of shit like himself. _I will hold him back anyway. I’m too needy…and I’m not a woman_.

The sun is almost set indicating the day is almost over, the night time close and hanging over him like a dark cloud, the imminent nightmares looming… _I wonder what it’ll be this time…_ He takes a deep breath and heads inside to get started.

He silently empties the closet and throws away _every single flashy shirt_  he’s owned. He discards the dozens of bottles of lube, sex toys, and other paraphernalia wanting to rid himself of that part of his life. He’s done with it…he wants something more substantial, meaningful, deeper…none of these one night stands or friends with benefits. He needs something genuine, a relationship filled with conversation and laughter and flaunting oneself off in front of a crowd is not in his plans. He will meet someone in a more conventional way…maybe online or at work. _And no fucking clubs either_.

He heads to the kitchen with the black garbage bag and notes the dozens of coffee mugs. _Oh better get those before Lou-…never mind_. He starts to gather the glasses when he sees the ring…the dark coffee stain on the quartz screaming at him to be wiped down, cleaned properly, washed away to never be seen again. It’s then that he has an idea…an idea that hopefully will spark a memory…in a discreet way that is. He laughs to himself and searches for a black permanent marker. He then reopens the black bag pulls out _that_ shirt and hangs it back up in the closet. He personally hates it but… _He picked it out_ so it has to stay.

“Keeping my fingers crossed.”

_._

_._

_._

_._

The next day Harry is at the hospital signing his release paperwork.

Liam has this shit eating grin on his face and he can only assume it’s because he’s leaving.

“Before I go I need to ask you something.”

“Go for it, Styles.” Liam says as he reads through the documentation.

“Why do you hate me?”

“I don’t hate you. I was training you.” Liam responds.

“Um, no. You outwardly belittled me and never told me why. I at least deserve that much.”

“Nope. You were being molded into a doctor and not some fuck up.”

“Oh great so you thought I was a fuck up?”

“The path you were heading down…yes you were. Someone had to get you back on track.”

“I never lost track though. I’ve always had my sights set on something more! I was excellent!”

“Not with that mindset. Harry, listen to me. You walked in here a year ago and everyone immediately detested you. At first I could not explain why. You were an excellent doctor, knew your shit, had excellent bedside manners, but your personality towards the staff? It was despicable. You treated everyone like they were beneath you, unworthy of you. It’s not something we tolerate here and I am certain they won’t at your new job.” Liam looks him square in the eyes. “You will succeed in the medical field. But I highly suggest you work on your attitude.” He nods his head in agreement.

“I know. Well…now I know and I’m trying.” He plays with his fingers in his lap. “I’ve had a lot of personal stuff going on and I unfortunately let it get the best of me. I will do my best to…put it aside and move on.”

“As long as you’re aware. That’s the first step.”

“Y-yes. It is.” He tries not to think of Louis…tries not to accept the fact that he will not be in his life. Liam drops the pen and puts out his hand.

“It’s been a pleasure. I wish you the best of luck on your new venture.”

“Thank you, Liam. It’s been a real learning experience.”

“Good, I’m glad. You will be a wonderful pediatrician.”

“Y-yes…I hope to be the best.”

“Why children may I ask?”

“Well, my time growing up was not the easiest so…um I want to work with children to ensure _they_ get the opportunity to experience theirs...I suppose?”

“The kid does have a heart…would you take a look at that?”

“I do.” _And it’s because of Louis_. “Now I do at least.”

“It’s a great mantra. I hope you stick with it. Take care and don’t be a stranger.

“Yeah sounds good.” Harry stands up. “Thanks again.”

He quietly exits the hospital through the side door. He did not tell anyone he was leaving…in fact he only told Liam because well, he had to. If it were up to him, he would have left without telling anyone but then he’d lose his reference. It’s okay though, he will not miss anyone…especially-

“HEY! Wait!” He slowly turns towards the voice and sees Zayn. _Fuck…you’re actually the one person I wanted to avoid_. “You weren’t going to say bye?!” He stops before Harry.

“I guess not.” He shrugs at his honesty.

“Thanks, man. Appreciate that.”

“I do better with clean breaks.” He feels uncomfortable suddenly like he knows this guy wants something from him. “Okay so bye.” He continues on to his car.

“But that’s all? I thought we’d…you know…for old time’s sake…”

“No more.” Harry shakes his head as he turns back around. “I want to wait and find someone.”

“As in…find _one_ person?” The man starts to laugh. “No offense, but I never saw you as the settling down type of guy.”

“Well I want to give it a shot. I’m tired of this shit.” _And I could have caught something…it’s a good thing my bloodwork is clean_.

“I can’t really relate. I sort of like…playing the field.” Zayn ducks his head.

“Nope not for me.”

“Good for you then.”

“Yes I’ve finally seen the light I guess.”

“Is it that Louis guy?” The brunette asks innocently enough but it leaves Harry empty.

“W-what?”

“Stop pretending like you have no idea. You called out his name multiple times.”

“I did?” _I’ve got it bad._

 _“_ Yes.”

“He…had something to do with it.”

“What happened?”

“Zayn…you’re doing it again.”

“Yeah but this time I want to know. So spill.”

“What if I really don’t want to though?”

“You’re leaving anyway. Does it really matter?”

“Ugh…he…” How does he put this? _I fell in love with a ghost and when his physical body woke up, he couldn’t remember me._ “He didn’t feel the same way.”

“Oh…that’s unfortunate.” A cellphone alarm goes off. “Oh SHIT. I have surgery.”

“Alright, bye.”

“Why so eager? Do I gross you out now?”

“It’s not about you. I just need to get out of here.”

“Or run from your problems.”

“You’re not the problem!”

“I was the distraction from said problem.”

“No…I-” _How in the fuck did he…_

“Don’t pretend like you have no idea what I’m talking about. You nearly took your own life and it’s like it never happened. Don’t you think it’s time to talk about it? What if it happens again? You may not be so lucky next time!” He wants to run. Run far away and never return. Be a recluse. Ignore the world. Live in a fantasy where he and Louis can be in love. “Well?”

“What do you want me to say? I was depressed.”

“WHY?!”

“I keep telling-”

“Yeah and I continue to ask because you cannot properly live your life!”

“It doesn’t concern you!” _Let me fucking go…PLEASE._

“You made it my concern when you called me to suture a self-inflicted wound!”

“Zayn, don’t do this to me.” He takes a large chunk of hair and tugs harshly at the strands.

“I cannot walk away…I am too involved, too obligated.” The cellphone chime rings again.

“You’re not obligated to help me. In fact, if I were to die it would be a fucking blessing!” He darts to his car ignoring the man yelling his name. He doesn’t have the time or strength to handle this any longer. He will move, start anew, create a new life and become the person he was always meant to be.

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.

Louis walks into the condo and takes a deep inhale.

He knows that smell…it’s _home_ and…cleaning solution.

“Shit, the maid went to town, huh?” He walks into the unit, kicks off his shoes, and heads to the living room. He scans the walls, furniture, books, magazines…something is missing. “Did you guys rearrange anything?”

“Not that I know of. We instructed the tenant to not do any sort of remodeling.” Simon enters the space inspecting each surface. “It seems to be okay.”

“Yeah something is off though.” Louis sits down on the couch and stares into space. _Okay….so-_  “Have you ever seen The Fall?”

“The who?”

“The Fall. It’s about a serial killer. Takes place in Ireland. Excellent show.”

“When the hell did you watch that?”

“Oh-…I don’t know actually…whatever.” He’s looking down at the coffee table.

It’s strange…he’s been awake for over a month, been out of the hospital for a week (turns out the tenant took his sweet ass time to vacate…), and there is just a part of him that’s missing. “Simon, was I really a vegetable?”

“Yes. We nearly lost you.” The man responds barely paying attention. He is combing the place for who knows what.

“But did anyone come and visit me? Someone new?”

“No.” The man is looking in cabinets, drawers, underneath furniture.

“What the hell are you doing?” Louis stands up and heads to the kitchen.

“Checking for bugs.”

“Like roaches?”

“NO! Microphones, recording devices.”

“Seriously? I’m a pop-star, not a politician.” He looks down at the countertop and a funny feeling creeps up his spine, the tingling making goosebumps arise all over his skin. Those green eyes…those hands…he dreamt of them every night. “Do you want coffee?” He rummages through the cabinets in search of coffee supplies, his sudden need to have some caffeine hitting him like a freight train.

“I thought you hated it.” Simon finally stops searching. “We seem to be okay.”

“I’ve had a change of heart. I want to give it a shot.” He turns on the pot and reaches for a mug but notes they all have a letter H written on them. “Huh?” He pulls it out and inspects the cup.

“What’s that?” Simon sits at the counter and Louis turns around with the mug in his hand, head down, lost in thought.

“H…what’s the…” He feels it…the rush of emotions, the sudden loss of breath, the swell of memories overwhelming him urging him to remember. _What’s preventing me from recalling_ ….He drops the mug onto the floor unable to believe it, unable to comprehend what this means and why he has these feelings.

“Louis, are you alright?” He barely registers the manager, barely notices the man’s presence. He looks down at the quartz and sees the coffee ring as clear as day, the reminder of who was here…who took residency in his condo and heart. He runs over to the coffee table and sure enough…there’s another one.

“Oh my god.” He runs down the hall to the bedroom and to the closet. He stops short at the sight…all of his stuff…no. He sifts through every single item, every bit of clothing until he sees the black silk material with the dragon. “H…H…what the…” He takes hold of the black shirt, sits down, and puts the garment to his nose. The smell overtakes his senses feeling the warmth flood his body as he hugs it to his chest. “H…why H…come on brain…think. Why did I know this would be here?”

“What are you doing?” Simon walks in. “Get up! And what is that you’re holding?”

“Whose shirt is this?” He clutches it tighter between his fingertips.

“It’s not yours?”

“No…? I wouldn’t wear this…” He looks down at the fabric trying to picture who…

“Well let’s get rid of it then.” Simon reaches for it but Louis holds it away.

“NO! No…I…I like it.” He looks down at the dragon. “I like this one.” It’s speaking to him, calling him… _Remember Louis. Please remember._

And that night he wakes up from a nightmare.

There was a face, a devastatingly handsome man standing before him, his hair chestnut brown and curling slightly at the nape of his neck, the shape of his lips and sharp jaw line spiking his excitement making him pause. And those eyes…those fucking eyes haunting him, pulling him, making him want to scream. _You’re so beautiful. So perfect…I want your mouth all over me, tasting, licking, exploring._

 _“_ Oh shit…” He rubs his hands over his face as his mind fights harder to remember the man’s name, the man he _knows_ he met before and cannot confirm exactly how… _The man from the hospital…the DOCTOR_. He reaches for his phone and drops a text to his sister needing an answer. He can easily recall her mentioning the _cute doctor_ and damn he needs to find out…

Charlotte responds almost instantly but she doesn’t remember his name…she was too concerned with him and his health to remember...

“FUCKIN A!!!”

He lies back down and stares at the ceiling thinking of the coffee mugs…the hands…the lips…the song lyrics…

_Powerless / And I don’t care it’s obvious / I just can’t get enough of you / The pedal’s down, my eyes are closed / No Control_

He abruptly gets out of bed and runs to the kitchen to grab a pen and sheet of paper.

“Write…write…write…” He scribbles the words down and takes a deep breath. “Fuck…why at the worst possible moments…” He’s standing in the kitchen facing out towards the living room. “H…but _why_ H? Who was this tenant and why did he deface all of my mugs with the letter H?” He walks to the refrigerator and takes out a bottle of water. “H…H…Ah come on BRAIN!!” He smacks his forehead with his palm. “Think…think…think!!!” He heads back to the bedroom. “The smell…that smell…UGH!! Leave me alone!!” He drops the bottle on the bed and tugs on his hair. “What the fuck is going on with me?!” He lies down on the mattress and stares at the wall as his mind continues to work overtime, to figure out this mess, make sense of these feelings…this strange emptiness he cannot seem to rid himself of. It cannot be his injury…can’t be…there is no way!

He closes his eyes and is greeted with a perfectly sculpted face and puckered lips he wants to kiss. _If only…I could find you, I’d show you how I feel._

.

.

.

.

Louis managed to sneak out of the condo without Simon finding out.

He drove out to the bay having a sudden urge to sit in the sand which he too is very much confused about. He cannot sleep, cannot stop writing lyrics, cannot focus. Even the most mundane of tasks are posing to be difficult. Everything is centered around this one person, their very face haunting him, their eyes leaving him breathless. He just wants to be complete.

He parks the car and finds himself sitting on the beach looking over to the bridge that is slightly obscured by the morning fog. He shared this moment with someone…with _that_ someone and his name…what was his name.

“I was here.” He says aloud. “I was fucking here…but who…” He turns his head in hopes of finding that person there…but no. “Empty…I feel so empty.” He closes his eyes.

_“Earth to Lou? Sorry. I won’t use nick-names anymore.”_

_“Blue. They’re blue.”_

_“Seriously?! You should have seen my hair in college. It was past my shoulders.”_

He feels a cool breeze blow across his skin.

_“But that’s what you’re insinuating. I have soft hair and get a lot of attention.”_

_“Fuck off. At least I’m getting some…and will probably tonight! I’ll be sure to get fucked on every surface of this condo so you’ll remember seeing my bare ass in every room you walk into.”_

_“I am not embarrassed of who I am, that’s why. And you shouldn’t either.”_

Louis shuts his eyes as the memories slowly trickle in…He lays his head in the sand and focuses on the water, the wind, the seagulls in the distance, that deep voice.

_“Lou don’t go! Where are you going?!”_

_“It’s not funny. I thought I was never going to see you again. You just disappear at the drop of a hat and I can’t look for you or touch-”_

_“Louis, no! Please don’t leave me!”_

_“Can you take me home?”_

_“I thought you found your body and escaped. Left me to fend for myself, forgot everything we have…I thought you were embarrassed of me, because of what I am, what I do.”_

He feels tears prickle at his eyes.

 _“I…I was a mistake. My father never wanted me and when I was born he left because babies are expensive. I took away his booze money. I should have_ never _been born.”_

_“You’re just stuck because no one else can see you.”_

_“When your smell invaded my nose I nearly lost it. I was asleep…dreaming…dreaming of you with me, holding my hand, whispering in my ear, kissing me on the mouth, touching my hair. I never felt so alive. But to actually wake up to your lips resting on mine? I was in heaven…I was content. I never felt so relaxed before.”_

He touches his lips.

“… _And it was wrong. It was all wrong because you weren’t here with me. The condo felt so empty without your presence, without your scent, without your cheekiness and whit. Without you, I am simply an empty shell.”_

_“Your song was pretty…just like you.”_

_“And you’re…TWENTY ONE!!! Fuck YES.”_

_“Coming to work keeps me going…allows me to believe everything is in order, my routine like every other day, my life ordinary and not fucked up.”_

_“It was more than sadness…I may come off as confident but I am also really sensitive over certain topics. There is no in between.”_

_“Lou, you have to be strong, alright? I don’t know what’s going to happen when you see yourself. I want to believe you’ll be okay…be with me and by my side…”_

He can’t breathe…he is finding it difficult to take a deep inhale.

_“Louis? Can you open your eyes for me?”_

_“Your girlfriend is here visiting. Maybe that’s why you were drawn back…because of her.”_

_“It’s always my fault. I’m sorry.”_

_“I really just wanna go for a walk and spend time with you.”_

_“I’m sorry I am your only memory. I hope you’re not disappointed.”_

Louis is filled with these thoughts…but he can’t figure out…his name.

_“I’m just a fucked up guy! How could I possibly be awakening anything?”_

_“Please don’t leave me. I can’t bear being away from you.”_

_“Are you ashamed of those feelings? Do not like having them towards me?”_

_“This has been so difficult…not having my way with you, not being able to graze your lips with mine, touch your hair, hold your hand, support you. I don’t know…Ugh I sound so sappy and stupid.”_

_“I no longer want to live through it alone. I want you…by my side, always. Yes…show me your eyes, please? I have to see the real you…want you to witness how I feel. Just open…come on.”_

He opens his eyes.

_“L-Louis, I love you.”_

_“_ HARRY!”

.

.

.

.

He’s sitting on the couch ignoring the television.

He was reviewing his notes from the day when his phone starts to ring. He looks at the caller ID and notes it’s his mother.

“Hi, mom.” He is actually excited to be talking to her. She’s been at the clinic for a little over a month and is already responding to treatment. “How are you today?”

“I feel wonderful. Such a difference.”

“That’s great!” He smiles. “Are you meeting people?”

“I am. Everyone here is so friendly. Thanks for taking me with you, sweetie.” He feels heat flood his cheeks. “I needed this.”

“Y-yes you did.” He agrees easily.

“Why did you wait so long?”

“Me? I thought you were going to figure it out on your own…! Why was it always on me?” He feels tears sting his eyes. “Mom, I was a child and you depended on _me_!”

“Honey, I know.”

“And you ask why I waited?! Seriously?!”

“Harry please, do not get upset!”

“I AM upset! I didn’t know what else to do…had no clue what was wrong with you. I’d come home and you would be so drunk…it was all I knew.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s too late for that now. The best we can do is look to the future and hope you can manage this, be functional, have a life that doesn’t involve a bottle of liquor.”

“I know…” The line goes quiet. “I know I’ve hurt you, Harry…made you feel like everything was your fault.”

“Uhm…” _Not now…please._

“When your father left, I needed an outlet, a way to deal with my frustrations, forget life. Unfortunately, you were the target…your innocent face, cute curly head, warm smile…you were easy to push around and manipulate. It’s _terrible!_ I hate myself a little more every time I think about it! I ruined it, you, our relationship. I can never get those years back.” He covers his mouth to keep from sobbing into the phone. _No matter how hard she tries…I could never forgive her._ “I am so incredibly sorry. And I know it won’t fix anything but I’d like to try and get to know you again…start over.”

“I um…” He swipes his eyes. “I guess so?” He clears his throat.

“Please think about it. I want to set things right with you.”

“I will…try. It’s not that simple.”

“I understand…and I will wait for as long as you need.” He can’t take anymore…his mother admitting this to him cut a little too deep and honestly? _I need a drink_.

“I have to go.” _Actually, I have all the time in the world but I cannot speak with you any longer_.

“Okay, Harry. I have my appointment soon anyway. I will see you in a few days. Your sister is coming and she wants to have an afternoon out with us.”

“S-sure.” He accidentally stutters.

“I love you, boo.” He contemplates his response before he answers. _Does she really?_

“Bye.” _I don’t know how I feel…_

“Bye, son.”

Why does she insist on bringing these issues up? Is this her coping mechanism? Has being sober made her realize just how shitty of a parent she was? How she hurt him mentally? Destroyed his once happy demeanor and personality? Harry doesn’t even recognize himself most days and now she is seeking forgiveness? How is he supposed to simply forgive her as if nothing happened? He nearly _killed_ himself from her abuse and she thinks a _SORRY_ will help?!

He is emotionally drained, exhausted from reminiscing of the _old times_ , and devoid of all excitement he can hardly remember what it feels like to be happy…to smile. He wishes he could laugh again, feel whole, be content, fucking anything to get rid of this emptiness. He has become numb to _everything_ and it frightens him that he will remain cold forever, never meet the right person, never fall in love-

There is a quiet knock startling Harry from his thoughts. He looks at the clock on the wall and shrugs having the slightest idea who that could be. He is dressed in loose fitted sweats and no shirt. _Eh, at least my ass is covered_.

He pads over to the door, slowly opens it up and is met with a handsome face, small frame, bright blue eyes, a mop of brown hair, and…a set of lips he wants wrapped around his cock. He is gawking…actually staring, looking like a creeper, awkwardly gaping.

“H-hi.” The boy says after a moment. “I um…I’ve been…how do I put this?” Harry’s heart is racing in his chest. He’s dreamt of him for so long, convinced they were done, convinced he was forgotten… “See, it took me a little bit to remember you see…” Louis is shifting his weight, his small hands shoved in his jeans, his crooked smile sending chills down Harry’s spine. “You helped me and I uh...” His hand is still on the door frame, his grip so tight he can feel his fingernails cracking against the wood. “You did. You helped me.”

“Why…why are you here?”  _You were supposed to forget about me?_

“I wanted to see you.”

“…How?” His brain is a mess! _Who, what, why, where, when, how._

“I flew out the moment I found your address.”

“My address?” Harry’s free hand grips his hair.

“Don’t do that.” He feels it…feels Louis’ hand on his own, gently pulling, the touch so inviting, so genuine, soft.

“Why?” They make eye contact as they continue to innocently touch.

“You’ll…go bald faster.” The boy smiles as he lowers his hand.

“I’m…” He feels tears in his eyes. “I um…am not going bald.”

“Then what do you call this?” Louis reaches his hand out _again_ and gently runs his fingers through Harry’s hair. “Wow.”

“I um…yeah it’s kind of gross. I haven’t showered since last night.” The boy continues touching and smoothing down…and he is not _stopping_.

“N-not at all. It’s so soft.”

“It’s getting too long.” Louis twists a curl between his fingers.

“I think it’s perfect.” He retracts his hand and places it back in his pocket. “I like how it curls around your ears. Makes you look…so handsome.” He peers down at his sneakered feet.

“Uh…” Harry continues to stare at the boy still in shock he is here, standing in this very hallway, looking impeccable, completely healed, and… “Do you want to come in?” _I may explode in my pants._

“Y-yes?” He moves out of the way and discreetly watches Louis walk by admiring the view, admiring the way his hair sits across his face, admiring those lips, curves, ass, scent. God _his scent_ hits Harry head first reminding him of who this actually is, what this person means to him…how screwed he is. His body is responding instantly, gravitating towards Louis, his will completely submitting to the boy. _I’ve lost all coherent thoughts…I want you….I need you…I want you all over me._ He scrunches his eyes closed to regain focus and some form of control. He has never been this enamored before and it’s a welcoming emotion. Louis hesitantly walks into the living room. “Nice place.” He says.

“T-thanks.” Harry has this tingling sensation all over his body. _Shit I feel like some sixteen year old boy who is about to get his dick touched for the first time…Pull it together!!!_ He remains in the entryway for a few more seconds before he too moves to the living room and takes his seat on the couch.

“Can…I um…sit down?” Louis looks… _fuckable. So incredibly-_ “I want to talk.”

“Y-yeah!” He squeaks. “Sorry…yes of course. Please sit down.” He subtly adjusts his growing erection the moment Louis looks away, whose ass is just…straining against those jeans. _Oh am I in trouble._

“Where do I start…” The boy begins. “Um…you ruined my coffee mugs.” They’re sitting a good distance apart.

“I did…not mean to do that.” Harry inwardly laughs at himself.

“And the stained coffee table.”

“I had every intention of cleaning it.”

“So does that mean the black silk shirt was left by accident?” Louis looks over at him with those blue eyes.

“I knew I forgot something.”

“I see.” The boy leans against the couch cushion, his hands folded in his lap. “What a fluke, huh?”

“Yeah would you look at that…” He flips through a few pages in his notebook attempting to distract himself…to tame his cock…his thoughts…his fantasies… _Touch me…my god touch me._

“Harry.” Hearing his name cross those lips does something to him, makes him come alive, _awakens his soul_ , brightens his gloom. “I’m sorry it took me so long.”

“So long to…what?”

“Remember.” _Did he just move closer?_ He’s losing his mind because holy fuck Louis is here, sitting next to him, speaking to him, gracing him with his beauty. “I tried so hard, you know? Lost sleep, wrote sappy love songs, daydreamed of this dude with curly hair, green eyes, and a pair of pink lips to die for.” The boy moves _closer_ and Harry may literally fall apart, burst at the seams, lose all sense of control. _Shit…shit shit!_ “Harry?” He can’t help but close his eyes at the sweet voice uttering his name.

“Y-yes?” If he looks over now there is no going back. He will have to make a move, have his way with the one person who managed to break his wall and make him feel whole.

“There is something I wanted to do.” He tentatively opens his eyes. “Oh those green irises get me every time.”

“Is that so?” They lock gazes. _I’m done. I’m yours._

“And these lips.”

“M-my lips…really?” They are inching towards one another, the movement both slow and agonizing.

“Mmhmm…and that voice of yours?”

“Do you like it?”

“I hear it all the time. Makes me…” They’re so close…they’re _so_ close.

“Makes you…what?” He reaches out his hand to touch Louis’ bicep willing him to move closer, to invade his personal space, connect with him but he refrains.  

“I’m too embarrassed to say.” The boy’s cheeks are red.

“That’s not fair I thought we were past that.” 

“Can I show you instead?” Harry can only nod his head once, his voice lost, throat tight from his excitement. “Okay, here it goes.” Louis remains frozen in place. “Um…yeah right now…let me uh…” The boy is shifting in his seat, knotting and unknotting his fingers, blinking lazily, taking deep breaths.

“You’re fidgeting. Lou, are you alright?” Harry manages to say as he eyes the boy incredulously. He felt confident just a few moments ago but the way Louis is stalling, he is starting to believe this was all a mistake. “What did you want to show me?”

 

 


	8. Relief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I cannot be seen…I am not supposed to be here.  
> But it’s Harry.  
> This is Harry.  
> He needs me.  
> I need him.

Louis closes the distance, connects their lips, ignites the emotions they both feel for one another, configuring the final piece to their fucked up puzzle.

At first Harry is uncertain this is real, these lips, the touches, the satisfaction enveloping him. It just cannot be. _It’s a lie…a fabrication. I am dreaming…nothing more_. But how can this moment be a figment of his imagination? The softness, the taste, the sheer joy consuming his body is something he could never orchestrate on his own. His filthiest fantasies cannot compare to such an innocent moment, a sweet act that leaves him breathless and yearning for more. He is succumbing to this person, allowing himself to truly relax against a pair of lips he’s craved to feel and press against. It’s heaven. _I never want to come back down from this high._

Out of instinct, Harry takes hold of the boy’s bicep and pulls them flush against one another, the desire to feel every inch of Louis’ body driving him forward. He can’t help himself. He crossed the threshold and he cannot back down or contemplate stopping. His hands are tentatively exploring, learning, memorizing every inch of Louis and _shit_ he will not be satisfied until he is buried balls deep in that ass. _I want to fuck you…open yourself to me._ The boy breaks away leaving Harry confused and… _crap I went too fast_.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.” He pants.

“No I just um…I don’t know why I stopped. I guess I’m nervous.” Louis runs a hand through his hair.

“I see.” _And can we do that again?_ “I do not want to come off as being too forward-”

“I initiated. I uh…oh god this is bad.” The boy lets out a laugh. “I remember one time when you brought home your doctor _friend_.” _He wants to reminisce NOW?!_

“Oh, Zayn?” Harry’s hand is still on Louis’ bicep, massaging, kneading, pleading with his fingers to continue what they were doing and _not talk_.

“Yeah…and uh the way you just…I can’t! This is so awkward! Never mind.”

“Tell me.” His tone is borderline clipped. _I. Want. To. Fuck. That. Ass. Of. Yours._

“I liked how you _took control_. It was hot.” The boy is looking down at his fingers that are now getting a purple tinge. “I w-want…well I want you to do that with me.” He whispers. Harry wants to grant Louis’ wish, be rough with him, and bring forth his unabashed side, his domineering self he started to loathe.

“Don’t be ashamed for wanting that.”

“I’m not! I just uh…never thought I _would_. I guess?” Harry sits back and eyes the boy as a smile plays on his lips.

“Alright, spill. What do you want?”

“Nothing! I just wanna be close to you! Kiss you…touch you…”

“What are you hiding?” He probes.

“I swear! That’s it!”

“Okay I guess we’ll do this the hard way. Come on.” Harry stands up and takes hold of Louis’ hand.

“Where are we going?!” The boy sounds borderline hysterical.

“The bedroom. Now calm down.”

“I _am_ calm, you big dope.” Louis follows close behind. “I’ve never been so _relaxed_.”

“Then why are you shaking?”

“You’re shirtless, doc, if you haven’t noticed.”

“I am. Easier access.” Harry winks and continues to drag the boy. _I want to have my way with you…roam around…be free to do what I please to that body of yours._ The moment they enter his room Louis tenses.

“Okay so we’re here.” The boy announces. “Lovely space, really. This does not compare to the condo but I’m sure you know that already.” Harry walks to the window and draws the blinds shutting them into near darkness. “Oh…this is new. You always-”

“You’re edgy. Why?” Harry takes Louis’ hands and guides him to the bed to get things started, to explore, to live a fantasy.

“Because it’s you?” The boy responds with a shaky voice.

“It _is_ me.”

“And you intimidate me.” They hit the mattress. “Being in this close proximity with you is driving me crazy.”

“A good crazy I hope?” Harry gently pushes the boy down.

“Uhm…yup. Yah…good crazy.” _It’s either now or never?_ Harry sits down and places his hand on Louis’ thigh. “Definitely good.”

“Why are you stalling?”

“I am _not_ stalling.” The boy watches the hand on his leg move North…way North…so North it’s nearly at his crotch and grazing his stupidly hard cock. “I’m just um…have a lot to say.”

“You’re an awful liar.”

It’s his turn now…He takes hold of the boy’s face and doesn’t hesitate. He closes the distance, conjoins their mouths, dives right in, leads with his instincts. And _shit_ this is going to be one of the most exhilarating experiences _ever_. To be so enamored with this person, to be able to do what he _wants_ with them is the driving force and there is no stopping him now. _The only way I would breakaway is if the building set aflame._

He slowly guides the boy backwards towards the headboard, towards the awaiting pillows, towards the intimacy he aches to take part in. They arrive at Harry’s intended destination and it’s like time stands still. Their lips are still interlocked, hands grazing, searching, groping, seeking that _one_ spot. They’re finally able to be with one another, not fear the boy disappearing or fear their time is running out. _I could stay here forever._

And why is Louis so perfect? How can his hands be this magical? Have this much passion? Contain so much force in _one_ finger? Or maybe it’s the fact that he is so infatuated with the kid that his body immediately reacts to a single touch? _I do have it bad._ Harry sits up and tugs at the hem of the boy’s t-shirt having this sudden urge to feel more of him. He recalls what the boy wanted… _He thought I was hot when I took control…_

“I can do that.” Louis says as he reaches down but Harry slaps his hand away.

“Stop.” He pulls the garment up and away throwing it to the floor. “Lay on your back.”

“M-my back?” The boy whispers.

“Yes.” He admires how Louis slides down the bed, how his small(ish) frame moves, how his eyes never waver from Harry’s face as he positions himself. It’s such a turn on…never breaking eye contact, to witness every emotion crossing the boy’s face. Before he loses himself completely, he starts to unbuckle Louis’ belt.

“W-what-” On instinct, Harry smacks the boy between the legs as a warning, forgetting who this is, getting lost in the _moment_. But _fuck_ the whimper Louis made was divine.

“Sh.” He snaps as he continues to loosen the belt masking how affected he is by the boy’s sounds. “You wanted this, yes?” He asks with a clipped tone. His fingers lost all gentleness. _This is fucking business._ Louis gapes at him with wide eyes, mouth in a straight line, and slightly pale face. Harry almost feels sorry but… _He wanted to be treated like this_. “Did I not ask a question?” The boy just…stares. “Lou.” His hands are gripping the waistband of the jeans, hands ready to pull them down in one swift motion. “I need you to answer me.” _What is this kid’s problem?_ He is about to raise his hand when- “Oh…I won’t hit you.”

“Fuuuuuuuuck that was wonderful.” Louis spills. He relaxes his head against the pillows and takes a few deep breaths. Harry lets out a short laugh.

“A-alright. I wasn’t sure…” He waits a few seconds ensuring his partner is comfortable before pulling the denim free. Yes, he wants in the kids pants, yes he wants to have his way, _yes_ he wants to fuck him, but _he refuses_ to make Louis uncomfortable in anyway. After the ordeal at the club, consent is an absolute must. One’s mind can change for a multitude of reasons and he _has_ to be in the know immediately. He made that promise to himself. _And Louis deserves the world_. So he’ll fuckin ask a million and one times if he is okay and he will not feel sorry in the least.

Harry looks down at the sight before him seemingly transfixed on the beauty and perfection. It’s one thing to lust someone, to want to touch that person, to kiss them, to be their world even if it’s only temporary. But to be in love? It’s breathtaking, mind numbing, unstoppable, a force that cannot be reckoned with, an all-consuming emotion.

It’s adoration.

It’s _forever_.

And there is no escape.

Harry will never be free of it…of Louis and surprisingly enough, he is okay with that. He accepted the truth when he confessed his feelings aloud in front of strangers and when he could not get the kid out of his mind and dreams. He found a future in those blue eyes, a path to happiness and light, a lover, and friend. _I’m yours. I’m all yours heart and soul._

His hand is hovering over the boy’s torso ready to touch the bare skin, to relish in the warmth, to learn those curves.

“H-Harry?” The boy whispers. “Are you alright?”  Louis reaches for his cheek and runs his thumb over his bottom lip. _Perfect. You’re fucking perfect._

“Yeah…yes, I’m fine.” Harry nods his head, winks, and lowers his hand ready to get things going. “Y-you’re actually here.” He says as he grazes Louis’ skin, appreciating the softness and savoring in the feel of running his hands up and down his body without hesitation. It’s strange to have finally reached this point, to be able to memorize every inch of this person.

“I am.” The boy responds. “May I suggest something, though?”

“What’s that?”

“Take off your sweatpants? Please?” The kid smirks. “I mean, I’m lying here naked while your bottom half is covered. That’s not fair.”

“You saw my bare ass how many times?” Harry states as he scoots away to remove his sweats.

“This time is different.” Louis watches as he undresses. “I like what I see.”

“Hasn’t changed much since you woke up.”

“Good. Now come over here.”

“I thought I was in charge?” Harry crawls up the mattress and settles himself between Louis’ legs.

“You are…” They’re looking at each other, waiting for someone to make a move, waiting for anything to happen really. “You’re intimidating.” The boy squeaks out as he settles his hands behind his head. 

“You’ve said that and I wish not to be. It’s not my intention.” His hand settles on Louis’ throat. _What I’d give to…_ He stops, contemplates a second, and lowers his head unable to wait any longer.

They start to move against one another, their bodies moving with the rhythm of their mouths, their fingers covering as much skin as possible. It’s happening. This is actually happening. Harry moves Louis’ hands above his head and kisses down his sharp jawline towards his slender neck. The heady combination of the man’s taste and smell is quickly sending him over the edge, the fusion of two powerful senses completely disorienting him. _I’m addicted to you…I can’t get enough_. He makes his way down Louis’ body using both his mouth and now free hands as the kid falls apart underneath him. He wants to find _that spot_ , seek out his goal, ravish the man’s body until he can’t walk straight, be his forever. _It’s all I want_. Harry reaches a hand between their over sensitized skin and cops a feel of Louis’ insanely hard and _long_ shaft.

“If you keep that up I’ll explode right here!” Louis pants. Harry squeezes on instinct. “AH! What did-” Another squeeze. “F-fuck.” He lifts his head.

“I’ll bite you if you don’t shut up.”

“What if I wanted you to?” Louis asks breathlessly.

“Great…so much for being domineering.” Harry drops his head and continues sucking and nipping at Louis’ skin until he reaches his intended target. He starts off by kissing around the base, licking up the sides of the rather large cock bobbing in front of him until he reaches the tip. The sounds emanating from the boy’s mouth is driving him wild and closer to his climax and it’s all just too much at once. _Fuck, if I take him now I’ll cum for sure_. He regroups and continues the barrage of methodical kisses and licks up and around Louis’ cock wanting to heighten his pleasure. He knows it’s risky (and a little too invasive) but he quickly sucks on his pointer finger and pokes it into the man’s ass wanting to feel every inch of him and let’s be real here, he cannot help himself. Louis starts to uncontrollably shake and whimper at the intrusion, the sounds unfamiliar and full of ecstasy. _But not yet…I should pull out…I don’t want him to-_

“Fuck…fuck fuck fuck!” Louis yells aloud. And all too soon, Harry is covered: his cheeks, eyelids, his _hair_. “I’m sorry!” The boy yelps.

“Wow…” He sits up rubbing at his face to clean off the stickiness. “You have great aim.”

“Ugh I’m such a loser.” Louis’ voice sounds muffled. “Again, I am so sorry.”

“Lou, stop apologizing. Did you at least enjoy it?” Harry looks up at him noting his hands are covering his face.

“What do you think?”

“Uh…yeah…?” He chuckles. “I’m not finished yet though.” He concludes.

“I’m not either.” Louis agrees.

“Turn over then.” _I want to fuck you_.

“T-turn over?” Harry rolls his eyes.

“You’re doing that thing where you ask questions. Shut up and turn over.”

“Hmph…fine.” The boy unwillingly (and painstakingly) turns over onto his tummy all the while huffing and puffing. “This better be-” _Good? Oh you have no idea_. He lifts the boy’s butt up.

“Curl your knees in.”

“W-what?” He unceremoniously slaps an ass cheek.

“Louis, you need to stop and do as I say.”

“I’m _sorry_ , boss but I like to know what’s going on.”

“You’ll ruin it then. Just relax and trust me. If you want me to stop say so. Deal?”

“Deal.”

“Okay so bend your legs.” Louis cannot seem to follow any sort of direction…so Harry has the pleasure of positioning him _just_ right. “Jesus, you’re irritating!” He jests.

“S-shut up!” The boy finally relaxes himself. “You’re so particular.”

“Maybe I am…Now, don’t move.” Harry reaches over to the bedside table for the lube as Louis continues to lie there with his head resting in his arms, legs bent underneath him, ass out for the world to see. It’s the sexiest thing he’s ever seen and he cannot wait to get his hands on him. He quickly squeezes the liquid onto his fingers and places the clean hand on a cheek. “Are you alright?” He asks. _I’ve been a little harsh…_ And yet again the boy doesn’t answer. “…Lou!”

“I’M FINE!” He yells into his arms. Harry takes that as his cue and plunges a finger into the confines of Louis’ ass. The yelp that he hears is…startling and not one of…pleasure? _He said he wasn’t a virgin…so…what gives?_ He slowly pumps his finger listening intently for any sign of discomfort but all seems okay so he adds a second digit without really thinking. And yet again, another pained moan is audible. _This isn’t right._

“Am I hurting you?” _He was with a girl…is…with a girl. So maybe-_

“N-nope.” Louis quickly answers. Harry peers over Louis' head and he is gripping the pillow case.

“…are you-”

“YES just stop asking?” _Maybe it feels good?_ He continues on with his fingers preparing Louis who happens to be real _real_ tight which now that he thinks about it, his two fingers feel snug. _Wow! Okay…_ After a beat he inserts the last and final finger.

“ _Fuck._ ” The boy whimpers. _But wait though, if he was with a girl…maybe he-…Oh shit._

“Louis.” He pulls out when he comes to a very important conclusion. “Louis, you’re with a woman.”

“Huh?” The boy turns his head. “Y-yeah?” _You’ve only been with-_

“I’m…” He runs his clean hand through his hair. “I am your…” The butterflies in his tummy are alive. “Am I the first… to uh-?”

“Yes!!!” Louis rushes out and hides his face. “Yes…yes yes! Alright?! You’re the first man…I’ll ever sleep with.” He drops his hand into his lap feeling at a loss. “You are the first man I’ve ever been attracted to.” He’s losing his mind…in fact, it’s already out the door and across the street. He didn’t want to be Louis’ first…he wanted to be Louis’ _last_ and forever. What if the boy grows tired of him? Realizes he wants someone else? Wants to be intimate with _another man_ to make sure Harry is the one? _I couldn’t handle that_.

“Ever? I’m the _first_ everything?!” He feels panic arising at the truth, at this _teeny, tiny fact_ that could make or break them. _He’ll leave me for sure! What will I do?_ The boy sits up and faces him.

“You-” He points. “You’re so special, beautiful, one of the most incredible human beings I’ve ever came in contact with and trust me. I’ve met a lot of people over the years. In here-” He pokes Harry’s chest. “-there is a heart of gold, a heart so pure and full of love, it drew me in like a moth to a flame and I cannot walk away from it- from YOU. You’re such a unique soul and it’s all I can see, feel, breath in.” Louis lays his hand flat against his abdomen. “Be my light…guide me to happiness…reveal what you have hidden underneath this hard exterior.” He is breathless, completely blown away by the boy’s genuine words. _He is fucking encouraging…but this still doesn’t change the fact that-_ “Promise me.”

“I…I um…promise?” _Maybe he should promise ME he’ll never leave me?_

“Don’t fear the unknown. Stop thinking the worst. Let it go and enjoy. Do not worry about my feelings for you. Do not doubt anything. I’m here and I found you because I couldn’t forget. My subconscious kept telling me something was missing, my life incomplete. You’re the final piece whether you want to believe it or not.”

“…But…wait what?”

“Harry. Feel me. Hear me.”

“I do feel you. I just-”

“What? What’s stopping you?”

“That…that you’ll end up getting sick of me.”

“No no. That’s inconceivable.”

“Why?”

“I am too attached to you. It’s too late.” The boy shrugs. “You’ll probably get sick of me first if anything. I can be quite the pain in the ass.” Harry looks down at the hand still resting on his stomach. _That hand_.

“I’ll try and promise you.” He whispers. “But you have to promise me too.”

“Promise you what? The world? Absolutely.”

“You’ll be my world?” _I sound so stupid_.

“Yes.”

“And I’ll be yours?”

“You already _are_.”

“Oh…okay. That’s…good. Very good.” He looks down. “I want you.”

“I know. So can we um…do something about this?” He points down to his crotch. “Yeah…dunno…how that happened.”

“I um…I have to change my game plan then.” The boy smirks.

“The _virgin_ game plan?”

“Yup.” He considers his options.

“Where do you want me, _sir_?”

“Oh yeah none of that, alright? I don’t want me to be anyone’s _daddy_.”

“Harry, my dearest, where do you want me?” He mocks. Harry gently moves the boy over and repositions the pillows against the headboard.

“Alright, you’re in control-” He starts as he sits up.

“Wait! That’s not what I wanted!”

“This is your first time, you have to determine how much…you can take….um yeah so you’re going to sit right here-” Harry points to his lap. “And face outwards.”

“I want to face you.” Harry adamantly shakes his head.

“Nope. I cannot and will not see you hurt yourself.”

“Now it’s your turn to shut up. I’m going to face you because I want to! How does that sound?” Louis sits on Harry’s lap, wraps his arms around his neck. “I do not want to miss a moment. I want to memorize your face and kiss you when I want, touch your beautiful skin, feel every inch of you.” Harry just stares. _Holy fuck_. “Now, let’s get this going because I want you so badly…I cannot wait any longer.”

“R-right…Um…” Louis starts to sit up and position himself. “Wait! What are you doing?” He asks in a rush.

“Harry. Must we discuss the birds and the bees?”

“What! No-”

“Then what the hell do you think I’m doing?!”

“You’re _nowhere_ near ready! You’ll regret it immediately. Yes of course it hurts…it always does for a few seconds but it goes away and _shit_ when it’s right it feels so fucking amazing…mind numbing good-” Louis puts his finger to his lips.

“Doctor, you’re rambling.” The boy waits a beat before continuing. “If I’m not _ready_ then prepare my ass. Stop worrying and dig in!” Harry snorts at that.

“Gee since you put it so nicely…” He grabs the bottle and puts more of the liquid on his fingers. “Alright, lean forward. If you feel anything more than mild discomfort, I am allowing you to pinch my shoulder.”

“Oh, _allowing me?_ ” Louis mocks.

“Jesus, you’re as cheeky as ever. I think you’re nervous.” The boy leans against Harry and places his hands on the headboard.

“I think you’re right for a change…so go on-” He sinks his index finger right in and waits for the adorable sounds to commence as he delicately pumps his finger. _I’ll know when he’s ready…I’ll know…right?!_ He just has to pump slow and- “Y-you’re incredible.”

He adds a second digit before he can overanalyze the noises and gratitude. He begins to gently scissor his fingers to widen him, to make room…and _oh fuck he is my first virgin…and hopefully last…well last everything. Just UGH I’m getting ahead of myself_.

The last and final finger is in place. Louis is relaxed, breathing easier, making sounds of pleasure and ecstasy and well fuck he may just cum right here. His hand is happy that’s for sure.

“Are you…okay now?” He asks as his fingers continue to widen and massage.

“I think. I guess one is never ready, right?” Harry ceases his movements and gently pulls out. He holds Louis still and leans over to the nightstand to procure a condom from the drawer. _It’s time? Yeah….must be._

“Okay, yeah so let me um…” _Shit I am a shaking mess._

“Let me do that.” Louis takes the package.

“W-wait but-”

“Look, I’ve done _this_ before,.” The boy expertly rolls on the latex and stares at the erect shaft in front of him. “Alright help me.”

“Hold on there. We need more of this.” He picks up the bottle of lube and squeezes the cool liquid onto the boy’s hand. “Now rub.” Louis runs his fingers up and down his cock and well, shit that was not smart.

“Done!” Harry takes a deep breath to reorient himself, takes hold of the boy’s torso, and lifts him up as Louis uses his own strength to move. _I can do this…I can do this…_

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asks. Louis nods once and rests his arms on Harry’s broad shoulders. “This is all you…I’ll guide.”

“Right.” Louis takes a deep breath. “Right, here we go.”

They’re watching one another as the boy slowly lowers himself. His face is stoic at first, eyes never leaving Harry’s, breaths coming out evenly. _He’s doing better than I did that’s for sure_. Louis is beautiful, absolutely stunning, beguiling, an angel from above and _fuck_ he’s almost there. Pleasure is overwhelming him, bursting from his chest leaving Harry entranced. He never expected this to happen…never in his wildest (and dirtiest) dreams would he imagine fucking…no no…not fucking making _love_ to this man and he’s feeling a little emotional.

“H-Harry.” Louis says as his face scrunches up. He may just explode right here…buried in this guy’s ass, dick throbbing, the confines giving him so much friction…so much intense and concentrated pleasure…he can’t think coherently. “F-fuck.”

“Oh…my…god.” Is all he has. Nothing else. He stares into the boy’s eyes, caresses his lean back, grazes his bottom, relishes in the sensations consuming him. The arms wrapped around his neck are tightening, their two bodies colliding, closing the space between them.

“Kiss me.” Louis orders.

Their lips connect and it’s easy. The moment is fluid as if they were meant to experience this moment together, their bodies melding, becoming one, feeding off of the other, moving in sync. Louis’ movements are tentative at first, slow and precise, but pure perfection. Harry unwillingly releases a loud moan against the boy’s mouth unable to keep it in any longer. He can feel Louis working him, working himself with every ounce of strength he has. It’s a glorious feeling.

Louis picks up his pace, moves his hips in a figure eight, clenches and unclenches, peaks Harry’s pleasure until he is certain he’ll climax right then and there and… _shit it’s too soon!_ He breaks off the kiss and takes hold of the boy’s shoulders willing him to stop.

“S-slow down.” He begs. “You’re like…insanely snug and it’s um…really good.” Louis just smiles and continues to kiss him and moving his hips.

The spark is in the pit of his stomach, warming him from the inside out, filling him with love, and desire. He will never forget this moment…he’ll relive it forever, replay each moan and whimper they both make. Before he can think, he takes hold of Louis’ torso, pulls him close, breaks the kiss, and lifts up.

“W-what…” The boy tightens his hold.

“Do you trust me?” He asks as he gently lays Louis down on his back. They’re still conjoined so he is moving as gently as humanly possible.

“Yes?”

Before he completely loses himself (too late), Harry starts to methodically thrust into the man. _I can’t hurt him…I can’t-_

“Don’t be shy.” Harry looks into those blue irises. “I want to feel you.” Louis wraps his legs around his torso and tugs. “…everywhere.” He hesitates because fuck he’s nervous, sweating all over, mind drawn to his cock buried in Louis’ ass. He can’t respond with words only actions…only his hips and his strength as he picks up speed, plows into the man underneath him. He can’t wait, he has to make Louis cum again, make him climax and see stars… _fuck him into next week._

He lost all gentleness, lost all the first time jitters, completely disregarded the fact that Louis is/was a virgin. _He wants this…I want this…_

“Fuck…you’re so tight.” He is relentless, his hips moving of their own volition, his breathing labored, his limbs weak from the exertion. He reaches between them and starts to jerk Louis off, forcing him to feel his touches. The boy starts to shake, his whimpers becoming louder with each passing second, the peak of his climax hopefully within sight. Louis starts to tug Harry’s hair, brings their mouths together, kisses deeply and with such vigor Harry is momentarily paralyzed. _Go, Lou…cum!_ He thinks because shit his mouth his occupied. His hand is working the man’s cock with all he has, his hips driving his own into the tight confines of Louis’ ass. He’s on cloud nine, being pleasured from every angle…and goodness he’s losing it fast. The boy let’s out a resounding cry and explodes once again onto their torsos. Harry breaks the kiss and looks down into the boy’s eyes.

“D-don’t stop.” Louis whispers. Harry takes the invitation, sits up and grabs hold of the man’s thighs.

“I don’t plan on it.” He pounds into Louis, shakes the bedframe, ignores his cries. He just doesn’t care…he has to chase his orgasm, feel the high, ride his climax until he is completely spent. The boy seems to be holding it together, looking so perfect, making the cutest sounds. It’s all too much and the intoxicating combination of Louis’ scent, noises, and heat brings forth the surge of emotion. Harry is so close and with the love he has for this man burning just beneath his skin, he knows how fantastic he will feel once it’s found.

His legs start to shake, his hips are erratic as he thrusts into Louis, forehead covered in sweat and fuck he is right there…it’s within view, his orgasm blossoming in his lower abdomen and ready to come to life. He grips tighter, drives harder and he’s there. He found it. Achieved his goal. Granted his own wish

“L-Louis…oh my god.” He says as he cums violently into the condom riding his high, savoring in it, releasing cries of absolute satisfaction. He feels sated…so warm, and so…gratified he never wants this moment to end. He drops the boys legs, topples over unable to stand up any longer and buries himself into Louis’ neck.

“You’re so beautiful.” The boy says as he caresses his back.

“Are you okay? Was it too much?” He huffs.

“Not at all, I promise…I’ll probably be sore…”

“Uh…yeah about that…”

“Whatever, it was worth it.”

“It’ll get easier, I swear.” He pants.

“I know.” The boy wraps his arms around him and holds him close. “Was I okay? I know it was my first time…”

“You were more than okay, Lou. I feel incredible.” Harry sits up and rests on his hands.

 “O-oh. What a relief.” The boy swipes at his forehead.

“Yup! Alright hold steady.” He pulls out quickly and stands.

“Can we snuggle?” Louis asks as he gingerly turns over onto his side. His face scrunches into a look of discomfort.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He heads to the bathroom, throws out the latex and wets a hand towel. “I hope you don’t have to sit down anywhere for the rest of the day.” He giggles. He crawls over to Louis who is still lying in his bed looking delectable. “Let me clean your tummy.”

“Clean away.”

“You’re not going to instruct me? I’m shocked!” He gently cleans off the boy’s torso then his own.

“Not now. You’re in control.”

“Certainly didn’t feel like it…” He throws the towel to the ground and snuggles behind Louis.

“Sorry…I sort of um…it’s in my blood to spit out orders.”

“Yeah…you’re telling me. Next time, it’s all me. And no more questions.”

“I told you before. I like to know what’s going on…I am too curious for my own good.”

“I promise, if you simply _trust_ me…”

“I’ll still probe and be a pain.”

“Ugh…” Harry smacks his forehead in defeat. “Whatever…”  

“Harry.” Louis states matter of fact.

“What’s up?” The boy turns over and faces him, rubs their noses together, breathes him in.

“I heard you.”

“I know I’m loud…I’m sorry. I can’t help it.” He shrugs.

“No Harry, I heard you in the hospital.” He stills because…he understands. “Before I woke up I heard your confession and it was my undoing.”

“It’s-”

“Harry, do you understand how much that meant to me?”

“I-I was speaking from my heart.” They’re staring intently at one another. “It’s how I felt…well feel. How I feel still and I can’t _stop_.”

“I don’t want you to ever stop because that’ll mean you’re over me.”

“I tried to forget you, you know. I thought you were going to disappear and not into thin air, I meant disappear and live your pop-star life. Forget all about my pitiful existence.”

“Shit, you’re _not_ pitiful. How many times do I have to tell you? You’re so much more than that. You’re special…so _fucking_ special and I wish you would stop putting yourself down all the time.” Harry looks at his wrist. “Did your mother really hurt you this bad?” He runs his thumb over the marred skin where the blade easily cut, the scar that will represent what he once was…what he refuses to be again. _Weak. I’m weak_.

“Lou, Remember this?” _And it’s time_. The boy lowers his gaze and nods. “The first night I met you…I’m not sure why but you were angry, so maddened with rage when you reappeared in the condo. You ran into me, through me, consumed my very being, transmitted every negative thought you were feeling to me.”

“I wanted to know what I did but you didn’t want to share.”

“I know.”

“So what happened then?”

“I lost all control.” He takes a deep steadying breath. “I tried…I tried to kill myself that night. Allow myself to succumb to my mother’s lies, believe I did _it_.” He cannot make eye contact, not right now. “I took the butcher knife and…lost my internal battle. I cut myself.” He holds up his wrist. “I did not realize how deep it was…until the blood…oh god the blood was everywhere.” Louis takes hold of his wrist and kisses the scar.

“We all have our moments though.”

“This was _bad_. I could have…really done some serious damage.”

“Shit, Harry. I’m sorry.”

“It’s in no way your fault. I should have seen a shrink a long time ago…maybe gone into foster care. My mom couldn’t take care of my sister or me. It was a messy situation.” He pulls his wrist back and inspects it closely. “Zayn is afraid I’ll do it again…Doesn’t trust me.” Tears begin to well in his eyes. “I don’t trust me actually.” He chokes.

“I won’t let that happen, okay? We can call a few doctors, get you help.”

“It’s not that simple. This shit, whatever it is, runs deep and it hurts…all the time. I always hear her screaming obscenities towards me, demeaning me, making me feel so bad about everything.” He wipes at his eyes. “And now she wants to start over. Become a mother…be _my_ mother!!” He raises his voice as anger surges through him. “I will _not_ let her get away with it! She can’t just say she’s sorry and think I’ll forgive her. She fucked me up!”

“Woah, woah. Slow down.” Louis grips his hand so tight. “You know in your heart you did not make your dad leave. That’s fact. So why do you let your past dictate you now? Why not look past it…realize you are strong, accomplished, and a beautiful person? You need to believe in yourself, alright? Believe you can make it through. Stop listening to the voices swirling around your head. You know they’re _lies_.”

“It’s easier said than done, you know. I can’t simply forget.”

“I’m not _telling_ you to forget! I’m reminding you that it was all a lie. Your mother needed to feel better about herself and therefore took it out on you!”

“Why would a mother feel the need to bully a child…their _own_ child for fuck’s sake! I was so confused.”

“She has a problem.”

“Yeah and she’s getting it fixed now. She’s at a treatment facility in Dallas.”

“That’s awesome! See? It’ll all work out.”

“Sometimes I think I should be the one there and _not_ her.” He takes Louis’ hand. “Maybe if I get help I’ll rid myself of these suicidal thoughts for good.”

“You still experience them?”

“No…well…sometimes? When I am super depressed or when a satanic being runs through me.” He attempts to make light of the situation.

“Har…har. Not funny. Really though, if you still feel that way you should consider counseling.”

“I’ll look into it.” He drops the boy’s hand.

“You better because I need you around.”

“Is that so?” Their gazes are locked on one another.

“Yes.”

 “And why is that?”

“Because I love you.” Harry closes his eyes at the confession and starts crying all over again. “Oh crap, don’t cry. Please don’t cry!” Louis kisses the tip of his nose.

“Sorry…I just…um didn’t think you felt the same way.” He rubs at his eyes.

“I think I knew for a while I just wasn’t sure how to decipher the feeling. I was already a fucking mess with being a ghost and not remembering anything. Slap on loving you? That was the cherry on top!”

“Yeah…and I wasn’t exactly the easiest to handle.”

“You were fine. You just had to find yourself.”

“Learn my lesson.” Harry diverts his eyes at the memory.

“Not like that. No one deserves that, Harry.”

“It worked.”

“No it didn’t. You went with Zayn the next day. You just needed to forget.”

“You really were listening to me.” He runs a hand through Louis’ hair.

“Every word damn it. I cared…well still care for you. Of course I listened! I wanted to help you! Be there for you…hold you.”

“Can you hold me now?” He swipes at his eyes.

“Not until you say it.”

“Please?” He pouts.

“No, dope. Say you love me.”

“I love you. I love you. I love you.” Harry shuffles closer. “Now hold me.” He feels the boy’s arm encompass him, wrap him in his warmth and scent. “Say it again?” He requests. _Hearing your confession brings me to life_. “Awake my soul.”

“I love you.” Louis whispers into his ear. “I love you so much. I cannot wait to tell the world about you.”

“Wait…what?” Harry starts to panic. _Tell the world?!_ “Tell them what?!”

“That you’re mine and I’m yours.” The boy smiles.

“W-what? When? How? Wait I don’t want to be-”

“Harry, I want to show the world who I fell in love with, show them who inspired me to write my latest album.”

“…huh?” His body is sweating all over. How could Louis use him as his inspiration?! “You wrote-”

“Yes, you were my muse. Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.”

“B-but…”

“Quit doubting yourself.”

“I just…am fucked up.” The boy is silent. “What’s wrong?” Harry asks eventually. “What’s stirring in that brain of yours?”

“When was my car accident? Do you remember?”

“…huh?” Well of course he remembers it was on his… “My birthday. Why?” He remembers suddenly.

“Your birthday?”

“Yes, February 1st.” _And I know where I was too._ “Why though?” Louis shrugs.

“Such a coincidence.”

“Yeah, I was supposed to be off but had no plans so I went to work for overtime.”

“No plans?” Louis questions. “Who doesn’t have plans on their birthday?”

“Yeah well, I don’t have friends remember?”

“Where were you working that night?”

“ER.”

“Wait…the emergency room?!” Louis sits up. “You were there _the same night_ I was brought in?!”

“Uh…” Harry rehashes the night as best he can. He vaguely remembers but there were so many traumas that evening it’s hard to recall. “I mean I was but-”

“Do you KNOW what this means?! Dr. Payne said it was a fucking _miracle_ I survived!!”

“…Yuh?” _Where exactly is he going with this?_

“HARRY!!! You kept me alive!”

“You say some of the most outlandish things, you know that?” He starts to chuckle.

“Alright we already proved you woke me up so I am not giving up on this.” Louis scratches his head. “If you were there…you must have passed by my room somehow…and kept me going…”

“Cut the crap.” Harry dismisses him.

“That explains it.” Louis concludes.

“You didn’t _know_ me! How on earth did my-”

“Your very _being_ kept me alive. I was meant to be with you…I guess the fates had other plans for me…for _us!_ ” Harry simply rolls his eyes.

“Ridiculous…This is ridiculous.”

“It’s not for fuck’s sake!” A loud cellphone ring chimes disrupting their conversation. “Shit. That’s Simon.” Louis stands up. “Aaahhhh.” He stumbles over.

“What’s wrong?!” Harry attempts to stand.

“Sore. Shit that hurts.” The boy rubs his lower back. “Faaaack. I hope I don’t have to fly back tonight.” _Fly back?_ Louis grabs his jeans and takes the cellphone out. “Hello?...oh yah I know-…I understa-…I get it I have an interview…No it was supposed to be late afternoon tomorrow-…when did you reschedule it?!...Why didn’t you tell me!” Louis runs his hand through his hair and releases a long steady breath. “Yes…I…I thought I had tonight off…Okay…I’ll um…be at the airport in an hour…thirty minutes?!...Shit…Stop being an ass and calm down!...I’m allowed to miss _one_ fucking interview!” He turns away from Harry. _He’s leaving…he’s leaving me already. I knew this was too good to be true._ He slowly sits up and watches Louis pace the floor. _He loves me…he loves me…he loves me…_ “You changed the date on me-…You know that’s not fair!...Yuh…I know…alright I’m coming…The paps said THAT!? A sidepiece?” Louis turns towards Harry with a look of discomfort. _Oh great._ “No, of course it’s nothing like that…” The boy looks down at the floor. _What am I then?_ “Do not believe the tabloids, alright? I’m leaving now. See you in a few hours.” Louis hangs up his phone and searches for his clothes in silence. _Do I say something?_

“Um…” Harry clears his throat.

“I know what you’re thinking and no, it’s not true. So before you question _anything_ …I want to be honest.” Louis approaches him half dressed. “I am still with Eleanor. And this-” He points between them. “-will not go over so well with her…or Simon…or ugh…” Harry’s brain may explode. Forget his heart, that’s already gone to shit. “Please don’t be sad…” The boy fervently runs a hand through his hair. “ _I know_ , alright? I get it! But…don’t make that face!” He can’t help but breakdown into his hands. _I hate my life_.

“What am I then? What’s going to happen?” Louis places his hands on Harry’s shoulders.

“Look at me, love.” The boy begs and he reluctantly makes eye contact. “Harry, you have to understand something. Hollywood is convoluted, fucked UP, a goddamn ZOO! And those fucking paps will take _anything_ and run with it, make up some story to sell magazines!” _I want to believe you…I love you…you love me_. “You’re so important to me…and I don’t…no I cannot let them see you as something else.”

“What am I to you then?”

“Certainly not some _sidepiece_.” The boy squeezes his shoulders. “I love you, Harry and I want to introduce you to the world formally.”

“How then?” He is staring into Louis’ eyes searching for the lies.

“Not on the cover of some crap mag or a website…but something more substantial…something to make people _see_ this is not a fling…”

“A fling?”

“Yes. It must be done _right_.”

“What about the girl?”

“What about her?”

“Lou, I can’t see you with _Eleanor_ …are you…going to end things with her before all of this…happens?”

“YES!! My goodness yes.”

“O-okay.” Harry leans forward and kisses the boy on the lips.

“So no more crying alright? Everything will fall into place.”

“I believe you however I cannot promise I won’t cry.”

“I know...it was worth a shot I suppose.” The boy stands up and slides on his t-shirt. “I didn’t want to leave tonight. Simon rescheduled my interview to be taped _later_ this afternoon without telling me…douche.” Louis looks down at the shirt, contemplates a moment, and immediately takes it off. _What’s he doing?_ “Mmmm…” He walks to the closet and sifts intently through the clothes.

“W-what-”

“This one!” The boy pulls out a pink cotton button down, sniffs the color, and throws it on. “I want to smell you all night.” He starts to roll up the sleeves. “I was hoping I could spend a lazy afternoon with you but a shirt will have to do for now.” Louis approaches him once more. “I am coming back. The second Simon leaves me alone I am _flying home to you_.”

“…I’ll be here.” Harry whispers. _Great why am I getting hard?_ “Uhm…you look hot in my shirt.”

“Good.” Louis kisses him longingly on his lips, lingers too long, takes his time, savors the moment. “I love you.”

“I l-love you too.” He reaches a hand out. “I’ll be waiting for you. _Oh._ Wait before you go…come with me.” He throws on a pair of boxers and heads to the kitchen with Louis following close behind. He opens a drawer and rummages through its contents.

“What are you looking for?”

“This.” He holds out a metal object. “Here.”

“A key?”

“Y-yes. It’s the spare. I’m working tomorrow and may not be home when you’re back. Just in case that is.” His face turns red.

“Oh! Good call. Yeah let me take that.”

“So you’ll…um be back tomorrow?” Harry tentatively asks. _I don’t want to sound too eager_.

“I will. I promise you.” The boy takes his phone out of his pocket. “Put your number in and I’ll text you.”

“Sure…” He types in his number and hands it back.

“I’ll see you _tomorrow_.” Harry cannot think, cannot speak, cannot move. Why is life this unfair? Louis was with him, loved with him, admitted his feelings and now he is leaving, walking out that door to his life.

“What’s going to happen?” Harry questions as they walk painstakingly to the door.

“I do the interview and I come back to you. Simple.”

“But what if you don’t?”

“No, I am. I don’t care.” Louis stands on his tip toes and kisses Harry on the tip of his nose. “I’ll be back, alright?”

“Yup.” He smiles a sad smile, nods and watches the boy walk down the hallway.

Harry quietly shuts the door and unceremoniously slides down the wood to the floor. He stares blankly into the now empty apartment, dreams of Louis standing in the living room once again, looking around, being overly curious, admitting his love for him.

_What do I do now?_

.

.

.

.

He’s in LA all too soon.

“Seriously?” Simon greets him at the SUV by the curb.

“What?” Louis approaches. “What did I do?”

“If you need to ask that question…” His manager opens the door. “Get in. You’re in deep shit.”

“OoooOOoOoO…Now I’m shaking in my boots!” He jumps in and attempts to settle himself in the backseat, the simplest of tasks proving to be a little difficult due to his recent physical activities. _Harry was there…it’s a glorious reminder. But fuuuuck does this hurt._ Simon sits opposite him and the car starts to move.

“You need to be mindful of your surroundings. There are people watching your every move.” He puffs out his cheeks. “I’m serious.”

“I _know_ I get it. I’m on everyone’s _fucking_ radar.”

“Yes precisely.” Louis can feel his palms sweating. _I have to tell him_. “Where did you get that shirt from?” He looks down at the pink top.

“Um…”

“That’s certainly not your color.” _Do I do it?!_

“I’ve had this thing…” He starts…because he might as well at this point. “Since I woke up…”

“Please do not say you’ve _seen the light_ or _stood at the pearly white gates_. People will think you’re insane.”

“No, Simon. Listen. I think I want to…” He stalls. _Shit._ “…make a drastic change in my life.”

“Anything but the hair color.”

“What?”

“Your image, Louis. You must look youthful…what is that term your fans use… _smol_?

“They’re pointing out my stature!!! Ugh!” He slaps his forehead because…REALLY? “I want to end things with Eleanor!”

“Oh…Is that so? I thought you liked her?” His manager seems nonplussed as if the idea of Louis being over the girl he’s been with for the past two years is the craziest idea… _EVER._

“Yeah I’m done with it.” He looks at his hands.

“Alright well do what you think is right. Can the breakup not be public though?” Simon asks. “That could get ugly.”

“Is my image all that matters to you?”

“I am looking out for your well-being, kid. If you break her heart publicly, the tabloids will have a fucking field day. So keep it quiet.”

“Well I’ll be sure to _not_ be a shithead.”

“If you do it tastefully, I do not think it’ll pose as an issue.”

“Tastefully…sure.” His heart starts to race in his chest. “Yeah! It’ll be a smooth breakup...I could…meet with her and do it then!”

“Whatever you need. Just be discreet about it.”

“Ai, ai captain!”

“Okay.”

“What did you think smol meant?”

“Look, these teenage girls today come up with the most ridiculous things. I honestly had no idea.”

“Yeah they don’t believe my height. But I swear I’m 5’9.” Simon barks a laugh.

“Sure with the platform shoes.”

“Not you too?!”

“If you’re going to lie about something…let your height be it!”

“You suck.” He playfully smacks his manager’s arm.

“Maybe.” Simon shrugs and looks down at his phone.

.

.

.

.

[L]: I have to speak with you.

[E]: Okay sure.

[L]: Meet me at the radio station.

[E]: Is everything okay?

_For me yeah…_

.

.

.

.

“I do _not_ understand?!” She’s semi hysterical. Her face is beat red, eyes an utter mess. _I do not…feel bad?_

“El look…we’ve grown apart-”

“That’s crap! You were unconscious and I was by your side, holding your hand, talking to you, reading to you! I cared for you!” _You couldn’t wake me up though…you did not hold that power._

“I was not aware of that so how am I supposed to know?!” He throws his hands in the air. He knows this was not Simon’s idea of being discreet… in fact this was the complete opposite but how else was he supposed to do it? If he would have met her at a public place, the paps would see them! And Harry warned him… _If I’m seen with her…he’ll be crushed._ Seeing his love hurt would absolutely kill him so this was his only option.

“Louis, how could you do this to me?! We had the red carpet, the Met Gala…so many events planned!” _Oh really?_

“Is that all you cared about?” He wants to laugh. I mean of course she had an ulterior motive. _User_. “Being photographed? Because let me tell you, it gets old.”

“N-no! I want to have a relationship with you!”

“Sometimes I just don’t know anymore…” He pauses a moment because shit he wants to admit he loves someone else…fell in love with the doctor, cheated on her, found a home in someone else’s heart.

“What don’t you know huh? How you feel?!”

“YES exactly! And I’m over it…over us. I am officially done.” _I know I should feel sorry…But Harry._ “I checked out a while ago…I need a fresh start I think.”

“So who inspired your album? Who fucking WAS it? Those are love songs…heartfelt lyrics. I thought…”

“It was about you?”

“Y-yes. But now…” She swipes her eyes. “I need to go.” She quietly exits the dressing room leaving Louis to his lonesome.

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.

.

***************************Please proceed with caution as there is another scene involving self-harm.**************************************

.

.

.

.

He’s on the sofa staring at his textbook.

Harry cried a little…a lot…maybe a shit ton after Lou left and he isn’t fairing any better now. The interview is in fifteen minutes and he wants to vomit all over. He’s worried what they’ll expose the boy too, what questions they will throw his away to incite some sort of rumor, how they will attempt to misconstrue his words…anything to make Louis _spill his heart out_ and give them a story.

And the fucking album.

How could Louis be so careless? Why did he write an entire album about Harry? _What is so goddamn exciting about me?_ What if the album fails? Will he be blamed? Will the fans hate him for inspiring their idol to write shitty music? _I am such a mess…he could not possibly find something positive about me…what’s he going to say? How I was raped? Or how I was raised by a drunk?_ Harry will ruin his image for sure, ruin everything Louis has worked so hard for, all the hearts he has mended…everything. _What if they fucking hate me?!_ The pressure is slowly choking him and he is short of breath.

His phone chimes.

“What the…” He looks towards the device and it’s Lou.

[L]: I did it.

[L]: El is no more.

[L]: <3<3<3<3<3

[L]: Interview time.

[L]: Love you.

“Oh my god…that’s it. I’m going to ruin him.” He slams the book shut and stands. “Fuck fuck…FUCK why did he tell me that?” He paces back and forth as dread consumes his very being. He feels his stomach clench in fear at the thought that he may destroy the life Louis made for himself and any hope for a prosperous future. He shouldn’t feel this responsibility…he didn’t force Louis to write those lyrics. He did that on his own, wrote day and night, produced beautiful melodies that will sure boost his fan base. But still. The WHAT IF will always linger, the doubt surging forward screwing up everything because it was his very being that influenced Louis to _write_. And it will be Harry’s fault.

 _…just like the divorce_. _My very presence did it…I am a bad influence._

He stops dead in his tracks and delicately touches his temple to ease the pulsating headache that suddenly formed. He feels it. His strength and confidence is waning…his will to move on seemingly evaporating into thin air as confusion and self-hatred fill the void. _He loves me…I love him…he loves me…he…he will hate me. I ruined him and Eleanor. I ruined…everything. Him. Tainted him. Fucked him up._

His heart is pumping in his chest.

His palms are sweating.

His skin is on fire.

His head is pounding.

_What’s wrong with me?_

Weakness.

He starts to sob into his hands.

“Mommy, I did it again.” He chokes between tears. “Ma…Mom you were right.” He stumbles over to the couch to reorient himself, to salvage any coherency he has left. His mind is too fragile to be conjuring such thoughts, his shoulders too small to bear the weight of the world, his heart too stupid to accept and understand the truth. The truth...the _fucking_ truth. “It was ME! I did it.” He wraps his arms around himself and cries into his knees. He cannot possibly be here again, be this low, be this afraid and alone…have no one to turn to for help. _Who do I call?! Who can I possibly have come to my rescue now? I need a hug._ He lifts his head slowly and peers down at his damaged wrist.

The scar. The white line. The release. The…

“Relief.” He stumbles to his feet on impulse. “I need…” His legs are moving of their own accord, his mind reeling, his body unresponsive as it continues. The block is so close…it’s in sight…practically within reach and he knows. He knows this will feel heavenly. In his heart _he knows_ this is what he requires to make the pain go away. _What the world needs_. He reaches towards the handle and it’s cold to the touch, the sensation familiar and comforting. _It’s calling to me_ , _willing me…it’s time._

He pulls the knife free and stares at the serrated edge…

_Just one time. That’s all._

_Just one time is all I need_.

The blade is cool against his skin, almost freezing, almost too painful and he hasn’t even _done_ anything yet…he’s paralyzed with fear and anger…and hurt. So much anguish. _Release. Relief. Release. Relief._

He closes his eyes and makes the first move.

.

.

.

.

Louis took the first flight out to Dallas the following morning and just arrived at the apartment.

He is not completely sure if Harry is home however he’ll _use his key_ to let himself in and settle down. He honestly cannot wait to immerse himself in Harry’s scent to feel the comforts and joys of _home_ and anything else the man has to offer. He’s been thinking of him the second he left and he just wants to be held forever. _I’m here…now love me damn it._ But the moment he does enter the unit, he feels a foreign sensation seep under his skin and into his very being. The unit is evoking a heaviness that he cannot decipher or begin to understand and it’s certainly not a welcoming feeling.

“I’m back!” He shouts ignoring everything. He heads down the hallway into the living room and finds the television on, Harry’s textbook on the floor, and cellphone on the couch. _What the fuck_. “Harry?” He walks to the bedroom and it’s the way they left it yesterday, in complete disarray. _Did he even SLEEP?_ He heads to the bathroom. “Are you home? Hey come on now, answer me!” Bathroom is empty. _REALLY!_ He heads back into the living room. “Harry this isn’t FUNNY!” He runs a hand through his hair and walks to the kitchen seeking any sign that Harry was here recently. _Did he have an emerg-_

His foot hits into a soft object and nearly falls forward. At first he isn’t sure what he’s looking at. It’s all too surreal and there is a sea of red obstructing most of his field of vision…and what is going on? His brain cannot process the sight. But _shit_ there is…

“Oh my god…” He feels his eyes blur instantly as tears fill him to the brim. The sudden surge of emotions is so strong it brings him to his knees and into the blood streaking the floor. “No. Fuck NO what happened?!” His face is so pale, body lifeless and deadweight. “Harry!” He grips the man’s shoulders and shakes violently to stir him awake. “No no no no!” He can’t stop, he won’t stop because this shit doesn’t _happen_!!!! “Open up! Come on open up!” He cups his cheeks and they’re so cold. “Fuck oh my god fuck. I can’t…HARRY why!” He sobs.

He’s covered in red.

He’s pained.

He’s confused.

“What do I do…what do I…how do I make it right?!” He grabs his cellphone from his pocket and calls 9-1-1. “Hold on Harry…please…god _please_ stay with me.”

“9-1-1 Emergency response. How may I assist?” The operator states in a relatively flat tone.

“M-my…my…”

“Sir?”

“He’s…I don’t know what happened!” His brain is fuzzy, he can’t think. “He’s…Harry is…he hurt himself? I don’t know!! There is so much blood and it’s all over him…I don’t _know!_ ”

“Sir, you need to remain calm.” Again, more monotone.

“I CAN’T!!!” He yells.

“Are there any visible wounds?” Louis quickly scans Harry’s body and can’t locate the source.

“There is…” He finds the knife close by and shit…He takes hold of the man’s arm and notes the marred skin. “F-fuck.” He takes the other wrist and finds more gashes lining his wrists and forearm. “W-why…?”

“Sir? We have help on the way. I need you to remain on the line with me okay? Now what do you see?”

“Uh…um…self…he hurt himself. Why though? We was…okay.” _No he wasn’t. He was not OKAY!!_ “I shouldn’t have left him.”

“Don’t worry, son. The EMTs will be there shortly to assist.”

“I don’t know what to do!” What could have possibly happened? He thought everything was fine…all in order…finally making sense! He is just a sobbing mess. “What if he doesn’t wake up!? There is so much blood…I can’t handle it…I love him.” He chokes out into the phone. “He had such a bright future…a…a…”

“When did you find the victim?” _Victim…_

“J-Just now…I was on…the road and came home five minutes ago and he’s so pale. He doesn’t look alive…”

“I need you to check for a pulse, alright? Can you do that for me?” Louis is staring into space as tears drip down his cheeks.

“I shouldn’t have left him. I don’t know why I did that.”

“Sir, I’m losing you. Please check for a pulse.” He is stirred from his thoughts and sticks his pointer and middle fingers under Harry’s frigid neck.

“I…I…ca                n’t tell!!” He yells because he has no idea. The thought of there being no heartbeat is making him draw the worst possible conclusions. “Did he die?” He sobs out. There is a loud knock at the door. He can’t move or process anything unfolding before him. The second knock comes and this time he is stirred into full alertness. He stands abruptly leaving the phone on the ground and runs to the door allowing the technicians to enter and assist Harry.

He watches the three EMTs work, wrap his wrists, check for any sign of life, whisper amongst themselves as they continue on. His legs give out as the coppery smell of blood penetrates his nose, the pungent smell of _Harry’s_ blood. _Holy fuck…this isn’t happening…this cannot be happening…_

What transpired to cause Harry to do this?

Why was it necessary to fall so deep into his own head that he felt the need to cut himself for comfort? _And both arms…_ He buries his head in his hands and hysterically sobs into them unable to find any sort of comfort.

This was meant to be the turning point for both of their personal lives; everything was supposed to fall into place and not break apart into this shit storm. Louis was so ready to get to _know_ this man, be with him, understand what true love feels like, be able to enjoy it. But now? Will his life be the same? Can Louis simply walk away and pretend he is okay?

“Sir!” A hand is on his shoulder. “Would you like to ride in the ambulance?”

“Huh?” He swipes at his eyes.

“We have room in the ambulance. Would you like to come to the hospital?”

“I uh…” _I cannot be seen…I am not supposed to be here._

_But it’s Harry._

_This is Harry._

_He needs me._

_I need him._

“Yes. I want to come.” He tentatively stands up and notes Harry is now on the stretcher with his wrists bandaged and eyes shut. The man still looks pasty white and sickly. He wonders if-

“We found a heartbeat…” The female EMT says as they exit the apartment.

“Thank goodness.” He croaks.

“Hey aren’t you that kid…” He ignores the other worker. He doesn’t care who he is at the moment, in fact he doesn’t _want_ to be famous or a household name. NO…he wants to be left alone, left to grieve over Harry properly and not be questioned. He keeps his eyes locked on the man’s face and now pale lips. _He is so white…why is he so white?!_

“Alright…on three…” Louis stands back and watches the EMTs lift Harry into the ambulance. _That should be me…_ “We’re ready to go.” He looks up. “You coming?”

“Uh…yes…yeah I am.” He lifts himself and sits beside the lifeless body. He grazes his fingers over the blood soaked bandage wrapped around the man’s wrist.

“Once you get to the hospital, you may have to speak with a caseworker. Your friend is most likely going to have to partake in some sort of mental health counseling.” The female EMT states. _Friend. He isn’t my friend. He is so much more than that_. “Do you know how long he was there for?”

“I don’t know.”

“When was the last time you spoke with him?” Louis must be left alone. He can’t speak or think clearly and the last thing he wants to discuss is the events leading up to this tragedy. He wants to solely focus on Harry and continue to hold his hand and support him the way he should have all along. _I didn’t read into the warning signs…I was blinded from our mutual feelings to see clearly. I couldn’t distinguish the hurt lingering just below the surface, the ultimate suffering that would drive him to this conclusion, the resounding pain he felt and endured on his own. Harry was in utter distress and this is what he did to…relieve it? And how the fuck did I miss it? How could I be so stupid?_ The ambulance stops and the doors swing open. “You are not allowed into the ER with him however you may sit outside.”

“Uh…” He hops out and follows behind. Thankful for the (now bloodied) sweatshirt he wore; he pulls his hood up and encircles himself with his arms. _This isn’t happening…this isn’t happening_. “That should be me…this should be me…I should be lying there not him…NOT HIM!” He yells out of frustration but no one listens. _Just like when I was a ghost…maybe I am still a ghost…still dreaming…waiting to wake up._

“Son, please sit here.” The female EMT forces him down on a bench. “Your friend will be straight ahead.” She points to the double doors. Her eyes are trained on his face as if she recognizes him, or wants to start up a meaningless conversation regarding his fame or even make him forget what’s happening just behind the doors. “If you need anything…” She starts. “Let me know.” She attempts to smile but he simply nods his head once as a silent dismissal. _I need for Harry to wake up and walk out of here_ … _that’s all I need._

He waits on that bench for minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years. Who knows. He doesn’t know. He lost track of time the moment the EMT walked away. He ignored the vibration of his cellphone in his pocket, the shouts coming from either side of him, the hordes of people who eventually recognized him and approached him, the nagging thoughts in his head, the hustle and bustle of the hospital surrounding him. He disregarded everything that is not Harry. His mind is muddled and full of shit and the only savior at this point is that smile, those lips, the perfect hair, rosy lips, slender fingers, and beautiful soul resting on a stretcher fifty feet away from him.

He changed.

Louis changed the second he set eyes on Harry and he wants…no _needs_ the man to wake up and protect him, hold him, give him inspiration, to _love_ him unconditionally. _I love you, you dope so please just wake up_. He cannot see himself with anyone else…he’ll be a _ghost_ forever.

So he sits and waits, forgets about life for a while, reminisces about happier moments, resurrects any positive thought he can muster, _anything_ to give him hope.

_I wish that I could take you to the stars_

_I’d never let you fall and break your heart_

_And if you wanna cry or fall apart_

_I’ll be there to hold you_

He sings the lyrics in his head for comfort but in reality…

“You hear that Harry?”  He whispers. “I’ll be there to _hold_ you.”


	9. Epilogue

He is standing before a mirror adjusting his collar.

The color is bold, too bold, however _someone_ wanted to make a statement so _this suit_ won in the end. _If it were me, I would have worn the black pinstriped one._

“I don’t know about this…” He states as he intently stares at himself long and hard. “I thought we wanted to be inconspicuous.”

“Not you. You were born to stand out!” Spindly fingers clutch onto his cheeks and squeeze. “This face is too beautiful to hide.”

“It doesn’t matter. Tonight is about your accomplishments not my stupid face.”

“Well, it’s your _stupid_ face that got me here so yeah I’d say it’s all about you!” The hand drops and now he has red marks lining his chin. _Great._

“But was this necessary?” He points to the gold dragon lining the side of the pant leg. “I get it, you like the shirt…but it’s covering my entire thigh.”

“Don’t care. I wanted it on you tonight so shut up and face me.” Louis turns him around and fixes the black button down. “You’re so handsome.” Harry rolls his eyes.

“You’re wearing black…why couldn’t we match?!” He points between them in annoyance. Honestly, this is such a shitty idea.

“We are.” Louis turns around and the gold dragon is across his back. “See?”

“I’m wearing PINK!!”

“It’s salmon actually. And like I said, you were meant to stand out. Trust me, people like your face better than mine.”

“They do not.” He disregards the comment. “People love you.”

“Maybe but they like looking at you rather than me when we’re papped together.”

“Most of the time I look like shit. So probably not.”

“Harry, darling, you never look like shit even if you tried.”

“This is not about my looks! This is about me standing out in front of a lot of people! _And me not liking it._ ”

“I know and I am so ready for it.” The boy pushes Harry out of the way to adjust his own suit and tie.

“I’m going to literally pass out I’m so nervous…” He attempts to grab a chunk of hair out of habit but Louis takes his hand preventing him from doing so.

“NO! Your hair is perfect. Do not touch a lock or I’ll chop your hand off.”

“Don’t worry, I almost did that myself.” He feels his cheeks heat up.

“Stop that. You did not.”

“I _couldn’t_ stop, that was the problem.” He hiccups as he feels the surge of tears forming. _Not now…remember what the doctor said…_

“Harry-”

“No Louis, I couldn’t find any relief so I kept cutting and running the blade along my forearms hoping it would eventually come to rescue me. But _it didn’t!_ Nothing worked and then the blood came and I couldn’t see straight.” He scrunches his eyes closed.

“Is this part of the treatment?” Louis whispers as he gently massages Harry’s biceps.

“The doctor thinks it’s best if I talk it through. Say it aloud. Let others, especially you, hear of it, understand what was going through my mind.”

“I’m listening.” The boy smiles warmly.

“Uh…” He pauses. “Well, I thought I was going to ruin you.”

“Ruin me? Why?! How?!”

“Because you based this fucking album off of me! What if your fans did not appreciate it? What if it flopped? What if they hated me and blamed me for your failure?” Louis turns Harry’s hand over and pushes the sleeve up exposing the thin, white, rigid scars.

“They would be stupid then because they do not know you. But they wouldn’t and they _haven’t_. They love you…love us together.”

“I guess?” He looks at the markings marring his skin. “You can’t see them though, right?” He whispers. Louis wraps his hand around his wrist.

“No, Harry. The shirt covers it. But no worries, you will not be questioned about them.”

“A-are you sure? What if there were paparazzi at the hospital and they wanted answers? They could have easily posed as a family member and asked questions…and found out?”

“My love, I promise you. Only me, you, and your mother know.” He swipes at his eyes. “When I’m interviewed you can stand behind me and I’ll be sure we only discuss the music not my personal life. I am the master of changing subjects.”

“Please?” He pleads with his eyes. The incident was a few months back but he still has this fear of being portrayed as mentally unstable, unfit to be a doctor, not _good enough_ to be with Louis. It seems the public is oblivious to it but he still keeps his arms covered at all times.

“Louis? It’s time to go.” Simon enters the suite and he quickly smooths down the sleeves. _Especially Simon_. “Oh, Harry so nice to see you.” He gives himself his usual pep talk. _Don’t fuck it up…tonight is for Louis. You’re just a guest. Nothing more._

“H-hi.”

“You gentlemen ready?”

“We are! Come on love, let’s go.” Louis takes his hand, drags him towards the door, and down to the street. “I am so excited you’re here with me.”

“M-me too?” _I may pass out. No problem._

“Shut it and get in.” Louis shoves him into the back seat of the truck.

During the ride, Harry is constantly checking himself, ensuring _everything_ is concealed and out of view, making sure his stupid pink (it’s not salmon, okay?) isn’t wrinkled…isn’t completely ridiculous. _I look insane. I’ll be walking the red carpet in a bubblegum pink three piece suit-_

“Oh Louis, it seems you’ve won a Grammy already.” Simon says from the front seat. _At the fucking Grammy’s…_ “I just received the notification.”

“I did?!” The boy jumps in his seat.

“Best Pop Solo Performance for _No Control_.”

“SHIT!!!” Louis takes Harry’s shoulders and kisses him square on the lips completely stunning him out of his reverie. “I wrote that the first night back home. Remember Simon? I called you the next day with the song?!”

“I do. I was quite impressed…we all were actually.”

“Let’s see how many more I can win!”

“Well you were nominated for five. The two we want are song of the year and album of the year.”

“Awesome! Harry here is my lucky charm.” His cheeks flare up in embarrassment.

“Fuck don’t say shit like that.” He whispers harshly into Louis’ ear.

“I will say what I want, when I want because I can. So shush and kiss me.” The boy puckers his lips in anticipation. “Hey!”

“Can we not right now?” He looks out the window as his nerves shoot through the roof. _Calm down…calm down._

“We’re here.” Simon announces.

“Oh fuck!” Harry freaks. He wants to run and hide in the trunk or wait for Louis back at the hotel. He cannot do this right now…be seen in front of so many eyes.

“Harry, come on it’ll be great!” He looks out the window feeling his anxiety as he notes the crowd.

“There are so many people!!!”

“I know but I’m here. You’ve got me to hold your hand.” He feels his cheeks and they’re on fire.

“Doesn’t matter…”

“I’ll meet you guys out there.” Simon says as he exits the truck.

“Harry, look at me. You’ll be fine. Just smile, hold my hand…crush it for goodness sake, anything to make you feel better. I love you and every person out there will too.” Harry stares into those blue irises willing himself to believe the boy. “I need you right now.” He cannot be selfish…he has to stop and think about Louis, the man he’s fallen head over heels for, the boy who stole his heart and claimed it. “So stop being a baby and get out!”

“Shit… _fine._ ”

“And Harry?” He turns back towards the boy.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.” The boy smiles and chastely kisses him on the lips.

“I love you, too.” He smiles in return. “This is for you.”

“Good, the dimple has made its grand entrance. Let’s do it!”

They exit the truck and into the star studded event hand in hand.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it folks.  
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> I never intended this to be as dark as it was. Many of the events just sort of played out...I find the character writes the story, not the author.  
> Also, this was based off of a Rom-Com called Just Like Heaven (it's actually really cute if you wanted to watch it.). And the song title is another Mumford & Son's song (reeeeeally good too!!)
> 
> Any way thank you again.  
> :)


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